A contrite and sheepish Zuma shocked reporters at a press conference, after he admitted that his whole first two terms in government were an attempt to make people never vote him back into office and that “he didn’t even want another term anyway”.
“Someone once said that with great power comes great responsibility,” he told gathered reporters who were desperately trying to work out if this was some advanced form of satire or not. “I was thrust into a position where, no matter what I did, no matter what accusations or criminal charges were brought against me, no matter how much money I siphoned off from my people and what ridiculous things I said, I would still be assured the loyal, undying support of thousands of people – even those who were directly being harmed or disadvantaged by my actions. No one should have that kind of power. It’ll destroy your soul.”
Zuma went on to outline how, upon hearing his ascendency to power, he knew he had to save South Africa by getting himself out the pilot’s seat.
“In my first term, I started this long ordeal. After the Arms Deal controversy, the whole rape accusations and ridiculous shower comments denying AIDS, I started diverting millions of Rands into my own private residence in Nkandla all at the taxpayers' expense when everyone in the village around me were still mired in dire, abject poverty, struggling to eat and fine employment… I thought people would be able to see how grossly unqualified and unsuitable I was to run a country. Hell, I called a swimming pool ‘an emergency fire pool’ for godsakes!” he said.
Even this, he said, was not enough.
“Still, they marched and wore the yellow T-shirt and voted,” he said. “And still I was President. After that, I knew drastic action was necessary.”
Zuma told how he immediately increased the size of his Cabinet despite the economic situation of South Africa, and that he also reinstated Angie Motshekga and Bheki Cele.
“I took practically the two biggest mistakes in South Africa today, with their ‘there is no school crisis’ and ‘shoot to kill’ bullshit, and gave them back their old jobs. Surely, now people will realise what's going on?”
Zuma is now hopeful that his path of destruction will eventually teach South Africans to choose a better calibre of leader – but he is increasingly worried it still won’t be enough.
“People ask me, 'iJacob, why can't you just tell people? Why do you have to be a massive dick - not that Brett Murray thinks that - to change voters' minds?' and I tell them, 'sometimes telling a child not to play with pots of boiling water is enough. Sometimes you have to let them burn themselves so that they never repeat that mistake.' To tell the truth, I’m crossing fingers, but it’s not looking good,” he admitted. “Sure, a lot of other parties are making inroads toward securing a larger voting percentage, but at this stage I might have to be President for at least one more term.”
He added, however, that he was committed to ‘reeducating South Africans’.
“You’ll see how serious I am in my second term,” he told reporters. “I can promise you that, by 2020, you’ll be begging me to leave.
Zuma leaves today for Johannesburg to kick off the second month of his Second Term, where he will personally drown a basket of kittens at Nomfezo Orphanage in Soweto.
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