Speculation, shock and rumours have swept Johannesburg this morning, after a man poured petrol all over himself outside the High Court, flicked a match and set himself ablaze in front of a crowd of hundreds of traumatised onlookers.
"Why did he do it?" stammered haunted-for-life magistrate and part-time blogger Justice Laaifen Pryson. "What could be so singularly awful in our country that he would douse himself in fuel, light a match, and end it all? Crime? Poverty? Worsening socioeconomic disparities and widespread political corruption under a nepotistic, loyalist government? What could possibly drive him to such desperate lengths?"Despite the endless speculation, police investigators from the Pretoria SAPS now think there could be a simpler, far more obvious reason.
"Footage pulled from surveillance cameras around the area clearly shows why he would be driven to such an act," said Chief Investigator Ian Competance. "He was wearing a T-Shirt which, upon close examination, shows adverts for not one or two but THREE Leon Schuster movies: Mad Buddies,Mama Jack, and - God help us all - Mr Bones 2. Eurgh...
According to the Centre for the Management of Hazardous, Dangerous, Toxic and Radioactive Substances (CMHDTRS) , Leon Schuster Films - know by their empirical chemical name LSF - are a highly dangerous waste product of the South African film industry, with over a million DVD cases of the deadly, radioactive substance being dumped in Afrikaans households and struggling small-town Mr Video stores every year.
"LSF is clearly one of the most toxic forms of industrial waste that South Africa produces," said Dr John Doe of the CMHDTRS. "Prolonged exposure can cause insanity, blindness, hysteria, brain damage, full-body cringes so powerful they can shatter bone and burst internal organs, and the dangerous tendency to think a scene centred loosely around a protagonist losing control of his bowels in a public place as hilarous, original comedy."
He went on to add that the substance was even deadly to those who only suffered partial exposure.
"Such as the blind and the deaf," he said, pointing to a sheaf of paper covered in graphs, long latin words and numbers that looked very sciency indeed.
Police reports now confirm the man's cause of death, saying that the utter lack of mirrors in his house meant that he would not have known his exposure to lacklustre fart-joke comedy weakly hinged around racial differences in a modern South Africa until it was too late.
"He was probably in a rush to work and pulled on the first T-shirt his hand grabbed out the cupboard. He was probably in public for hours... Jesus," read the offical police statement.
The public is hereby formally warned to immediately destroy any LSF they should come in to contact with.
"Fire, a hammer, a knife, a shredder that you don't care whether it breaks or not - these are all scientifically tried and tested methods of dealing with LSF," said Dr Doe. "Please, people, don't take any chances."
This is the second such incident in the past four months, after a man stood in a high-speed industrial blender after being forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon with his eight-year-old brother, who reportedly found the films "hilarious".
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