Thousands of fans of the HBO blockbuster medieval fantasy epic television drama Game of Thrones have reacted in outrage and mass protest today, after news was released that an elderly American man is reportedly set to publish a nearly 700-page tome exposing to the public in minute detail many hundreds of plot spoilers of the upcoming seasons of the series.
“It’s unacceptable,” said a man who openly weeps on Monday evenings after he has had his fix of Lannister-on-Stark action. “It’s already bad enough that I can’t go on Twitter or have normal conversations with friends who didn’t, you know, illegally download it, and now they want to publish a whole book that will ruin the most juicy secrets? We won’t stand for this!”
He explained that they would probably sit for it.
“In front of our computers, where we will blog and tweet about it. That’s always a sure-fire way to change the things you don’t like about the world.”
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| The as-yet-unnamed source of the leaked manuscripts, over whose head the Internet has issued a fatwa. pic-wikimedia commons |
Apparently, however, the protest and outcry is too late, as some media reports now show that this man has in the past released several plagiarised manifestos with thousands of crucial and key details of the series’ plot leaked to the public, which has led to threats of legal action by the show's producers.
“We’re lucky that we caught these illegal manuscripts early,” said police in their report, “and even luckier still that not really many people have been exposed to them, what with them being put down into books that are several hundred pages long instead of a series of ten million tweets.”
The police added that so far the only people really that had been exposed to these dangerous leaks were “mostly just smug idiots who shrug when we’re weeping at the Red Wedding or shocked at the emotive and heart-wrenching finale and say patronising shit like ‘oh, now you know how I felt three years ago’.”
They added that they were also unfazed by the announced release.
"The spoilers and leaks are only expected to be released in a few years' time," they said. "By then, the series should have reached its conclusion, and these huge manuscripts will be totally meaningless."
In other news, the next season of the much-awaited saga is set to come out to the public in a year, which means that almost thirty percent of the public is hoping to get some work done over the weekends. Many others, however, are not so optimistic.
“The only thing that brought me some cathartic release from the painful, dreary existence I lead on a daily basis, slogging off to the same dead-end job that will end someday with me being laid off and forced to go home to my depressing family and tiny house, was getting my weekly dose of seeing these beloved characters’ mothers and families murdered, tortured, their genetalia cut off, beheaded, and their loved ones scattered to the four corners of the globe or killed, and all their individual hopes and dreams cut off by the bleak reality of an uncaring world. Without this weekly reminder of how relatively unmiserable my life is, how am I supposed to go on?”
In response to these fears, television networks have promised to up the ante on their fear machine.
“We show terrifying images on TV every day, but now, in the light of this public need, we’ll ramp it up to 11,” said the SkyNews and CNN. “With our in-depth coverage of mass killings, racial hatred, armed conflicts, torture and brutal multiple-homicides, it’ll be like you’re watching season three all over again. Just with less tragedy.”
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