“You are utterly boring” – NSA

After decades of bugging, phone- and wire-tapping, covert surveillance, back-door email hacking and in-depth scrutiny of all your personal and private data, the United States National Security Agency has arrived at the absolutely certain conclusion that you are “unremarkable, undangerous, and in all likelihood destined to have no real meaningful or noticeable bearing or impact on the general course of human history whatsoever.”

“If you look at the data, at just a single glance, you might be lead to thinking that you are just another mediocre, basically negligible example of the human race,” said Lead Commissioner of the NSA operations, Sir Vey Lance, “and actually you’d be 100% correct.”

He went on to add that “nothing about you at all sounds like someone who would make the history books.

“Seriously. I know the media likes to kick up a huge scare about terrorists and bombs and threats and one never knowing who is good and who is bad, but in all likelihood you’ll just go on living your normal boring life, go on posting meaningless irrevelencies on your normal boring facebook wall, have normal boring children with a normal boring wife, and then die," he said with a noncommittal shrug. "Probably at an average age of a disease normal to your age and demographic – like cancer, or heart failure.”

Upon hearing the news US President Barack Obama said that he was “very pleased” with the news, but “kinda knew all along where this investigation was going.”

“The NSA and the billions of dollars we give it every year have done an incredible, time-consuming and ultimately foregone-conclusion piece of work,” he said pretending to read the words off a piece of paper at the White House this afternoon. “Countless hours have been slogged out so that the American people can rest assured that you’re not really worth paying attention to, and certainly not in any way a potential or credible threat to national security.”

However, many critics have refuted the claims as “hasty” and “sorely mistaken”.

“We have looked at the data and disagree entirely,” said chief critics of the study Your Mom and Your Dad. “You are special,” read the joint statement. “Special to us.”

Meanwhile, the NSA have said they will continue monitoring your email “just in case”.

“Who knows what a terrorist really looks like? Certainly not us,” said Lance. “We’re not going to take the chance.”