New children’s book series take on nihilism, ennui

It’s a great day for education and philosophy, after publishing giant McMillin Publishing announced long-awaited plans to adapt several world-renowned books on nihilism and fatalism into kid-friendly books for children of all ages.

Saying that the current climate of children’s literature does nothing to prepare them for the crushing loneliness, chaos and bitter meaninglessness of life, McMillin CEO Sue Wisside said that the books would finally correct the widespread and erroneous childhood notion that the world is a place of love and fairness.

“I think we can all agree that growing up was a fantastic experience,” she said to gathered reporters at a press conference this morning. “Love, friendship, unity, justice, fun – these are just a few of the cherished lies that we all remember so fondly from our formative years. And if you’re looking for books to fool your children into thinking there’s some kind of meaning or purpose or reason to this short, ugly existence of hatred and suffering, you have literally thousands to choose from.”

However, said Wiside, when it comes to cultivating a curiosity and interest in the emptiness and howling despair that awaits us all, or even just getting the littl'uns thinking about the uncertainty of existence and being instead of frolicking puppies and candy trees in far-off magical kingdoms, there just isn’t anything kid-friendly.

“The only books we have on these fascinating, life-altering, addiction-causing subjects are filled with hopelessly long words that our young tykes would never be able to understand,” she explained, drawing on the collected works of Nietzsche, Sartre, and other existentialist philosophers. “And to be honest, they also all lack the colourful, wide-eyed and naïve animal heroes that our youngest seem to crave so much.”

And parents of children involved in the early focus group testing say the books are amazing.

“I’m blown away,” said one parent. “Just yesterday I went into little Johnny’s room and found him drinking whiskey out the bottle and smoking an unending chain of cigarettes. When I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged and said ‘muting the unbearable scream that is silence' and then went back to writing his terrible, self-pitying poetry.”

McMillin says that the books will go on sale in bookstores across the globe as early as next Spring, and children will be able to choose between wonderful titles like See Spot Contemplate the Meaninglessness Of It All, The Secret Seven and the Mystery of The Benevolent God Who Allows Children To Die Of Easily-Treated Illnesses and Fun With Dick And Jane (also titled “The Virtues of Reckless Hedonism”).

Next Hunger Games novel “will be set in South Africa”

South Africa will be placed in the international spotlight next year, after world-renowned author Suzette Colins has made public plans to set the recently announced fourth and final installment of her famous Hunger Games series in South Africa.

“For some time now, we’ve seen undeniable thematic links and locational similarities between the fictional world of Panem and South Africa,” said her publishing agent and PR Manager Mark Kinjay. “The book is set in segregated districts, much like apartheid South Africa was, and even in more modern times we see starting parallels between the brutal, murderous police force that kills protesters, and the SAP.”

The similarities were so numerous that Colins found it “the only course of action” to put South Africa in her books.

“In her books, the protagonists and downtrodden people of the land fight against the forces of darkness, much like we do with Eskom every day,” said Kinjay. “There’s dire social inequality. There are corrupt, power hungry leaders who will do whatever it takes to cling to power. There are the hedonistic elite. There is even the national obsession with pointless games and competitions and massive waste of public funds to build elaborate stadiums to host their beloved entertainment when obviously the money could be better spent elsewhere. How can this book not be set in South Africa?”

The plot, Kinjay says, is sure to be intriguing.

“The novel is set about 30 years after the events of the third book, after Katniss has taken down the evil government and restored peace to the land. However, the people who followed in Katniss’s footsteps betray her legacy and start recreating the hateful, exploitative and corrupt demeanour of those they unseated,” he explained. “In this troubled new age, it is up to the young Katrien Eevyndag and her best friend Pieter Meerlagt to win an oppositional majority in a cutthroat political battle royal in her district and expose the evil President Jacorneliab Snuma. Will she succeed? Will she choose Pieter, or finally be together with her true love Gheybriel Heythiern?”

He added that the book would go on sale sometime in January early 2016.

“Basically, it’s going to be as exciting as the 2014 elections, just with happier ending.”

Game of Thrones fans react in anger to announced spoiler publication

Thousands of fans of the HBO blockbuster medieval fantasy epic television drama Game of Thrones have reacted in outrage and mass protest today, after news was released that an elderly American man is reportedly set to publish a nearly 700-page tome exposing to the public in minute detail many hundreds of plot spoilers of the upcoming seasons of the series.

“It’s unacceptable,” said a man who openly weeps on Monday evenings after he has had his fix of Lannister-on-Stark action. “It’s already bad enough that I can’t go on Twitter or have normal conversations with friends who didn’t, you know, illegally download it, and now they want to publish a whole book that will ruin the most juicy secrets? We won’t stand for this!”

He explained that they would probably sit for it.

“In front of our computers, where we will blog and tweet about it. That’s always a sure-fire way to change the things you don’t like about the world.”

The as-yet-unnamed source of the
leaked manuscripts, over whose head
the Internet has issued a fatwa.
pic-wikimedia commons

Apparently, however, the protest and outcry is too late, as some media reports now show that this man has in the past released several plagiarised manifestos with thousands of crucial and key details of the series’ plot leaked to the public, which has led to threats of legal action by the show's producers.

“We’re lucky that we caught these illegal manuscripts early,” said police in their report, “and even luckier still that not really many people have been exposed to them, what with them being put down into books that are several hundred pages long instead of a series of ten million tweets.”

The police added that so far the only people really that had been exposed to these dangerous leaks were “mostly just smug idiots who shrug when we’re weeping at the Red Wedding or shocked at the emotive and heart-wrenching finale and say patronising shit like ‘oh, now you know how I felt three years ago’.”

They added that they were also unfazed by the announced release.

"The spoilers and leaks are only expected to be released in a few years' time," they said. "By then, the series should have reached its conclusion, and these huge manuscripts will be totally meaningless."

In other news, the next season of the much-awaited saga is set to come out to the public in a year, which means that almost thirty percent of the public is hoping to get some work done over the weekends. Many others, however, are not so optimistic.

“The only thing that brought me some cathartic release from the painful, dreary existence I lead on a daily basis, slogging off to the same dead-end job that will end someday with me being laid off and forced to go home to my depressing family and tiny house, was getting my weekly dose of seeing these beloved characters’ mothers and families murdered, tortured, their genetalia cut off, beheaded, and their loved ones scattered to the four corners of the globe or killed, and all their individual hopes and dreams cut off by the bleak reality of an uncaring world. Without this weekly reminder of how relatively unmiserable my life is, how am I supposed to go on?”

In response to these fears, television networks have promised to up the ante on their fear machine.

“We show terrifying images on TV every day, but now, in the light of this public need, we’ll ramp it up to 11,” said the SkyNews and CNN. “With our in-depth coverage of mass killings, racial hatred, armed conflicts, torture and brutal multiple-homicides, it’ll be like you’re watching season three all over again. Just with less tragedy.”

Global youth shocked as WWF revealed as "fake"

Millions of eight- to twelve-year-olds were left reeling in shock this morning as a tell-all scandalous book was released exposed the World Wrestling Federation (with its signature logo of a cute panda), World Wrestling Entertainment and all other forms of Wrestling Entertainment as fake.

The book, entitled, "Bodyslams and bodyshams: a life behind the ropes" and written by famous Wrestler-turned-"actor"-turned-informercial-product-host-turned-"writer" Beau D. Slahms (who once wrestled under the stage name John Cena) turns an insider's eye on the very-real looking wrestling profession.

"As a kid, I used to think that these men must have been gods," said Slahms. "I mean, to take that many chairs, ladders, pile-drivers and choke-slams, you must be literally made of steel. Literally."

Entranced by the moves on tv, and after ignoring that stupid warning and Trying These Moves At Home on his younger brother, Slahms was determined to become one of these ultimate men. It was only once he had made the big break and was put in his first real title match, that he realised what was really going on.

"They gave me a script and I had my own personal assistant who brought me lattes and I had to follow cues and rehearse and put on makeup and everything," he said. "I was devastated. It made me want to punch a wall that looks real but is actually cardboard and kaylite painted very convincingly."

The book gives damning evidence into the sham of wrestling.

"That fall from a ladder onto a metal table might look very real, but it's fake," said Slahms. "The same applies for the punches and kicks. All totally fake. You never would have guessed it, right?"

According to child psychologists, the revelation of wrestling's true status has rocked prepubescent teens to the core.

"This would have been the single largest shock to pre-teen belief systems since learning that Santa Claus is actually their drunk uncle in a costume," said child psychologist Reed Mynds. "However, that doesn't really matter. Pretty soon they'll be too busy discovering masturbation. In a month they'll be like 'Steve Austin who?"

Wrestling now joins the long list of mythical, fake things in the world, alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts, beer for less than R10, and that video of that girl who catches fire while twerking.

Rhodes publishes new student cookbook

pic: Heroic Beer, Flickr

Students across South Africa are rejoicing after announcements by Rhodes University to publish a new cookbook aimed at catering to the lack of money, meal standards and real culinary skill that resounds in 18 - 25 year-olds.

The book, which is to be made available at the only monopoly of a bookstore in all of Grahamstown Schan Vaik's later this week, will cover not only the basics of student cookery, such as how to properly order a pie at BP when you're trashed, how to correctly open and heat a tin of beans, or set your toaster to the right setting, but will also introduce students to the more difficult aspects of cooking, including knowing when a swig is one too many, how to make sure you rotate between digsmates' cereal boxes, and how to reuse a dirty pan instead of washing up anything in the growing mountain of crockery and cookware piling up in the disease-festering hellhole you call a sink.

Studies show that using someone else's milk can
improve flavour by up to 38%.
pic:Bitch Cakes, Flickr

"This book is just perfect for all students who are just too lazy to go and buy their own goddamn bottle of milk at Pick n' Pay," said the book's author Rumaj Inthafrige. "Even if you just sneak a handful of friend's Rice Krispies every now and then, or maybe even just a slice of bread and a finger or two of their peanut butter, there's something for everyone in its pages."

The book includes many healthy and wallet-saving meals, for example the Sneaky Oat Bowl Breakfast. Take a cup or so of your digsmate's oats, microwave it to perfection and then add a splash of your other digsmate's milk. If you're feeling particularly brave, be sure to enjoy a fast swig of his orange juice.

Students can learn much from its pages, including proper meal preparation. "For example, before preparing any meal, it is always important that you check which of your digsmates are home," said Inthafrige. "So that you don't get seen 'accidentally' browsing their cupboards."

Many nutritional experts have praised the book, citing its scientific accuracy and large, colourful picture-based recipes that accommodate even the most inept BCom student.

"Studies have shown that not only is taking someone else's food a more cost-effective way of preparing easy, quick meals," said Rhodes dietology expert Noah Moorekarbs, "but that the food itself will also taste better, flavoured by the satisfying and salty tang of smug guilt that comes with being a sneaky dick."

The book also contains a section of handy excuses for those who get caught red-handed (seen in the section, "How To Argue That You Thought Your Milk Was The One With The Red Label" and "No, This Is My Beer, I'm Positive, Bro") as well as methods to avoid detection completely. 

"You can buy, or even dig through a bin to find, an empty oats box or milk bottle and just keep it in plain sight so that you can point at it and say something like, 'Oh no, I've got my own, why would I use yours?'," said Inthafrige. "Or, if push comes to shove, you can always point the first finger. Many students find it extremely beneficial to say something like, 'okes, who keeps drinking my fucking milk? It was all the way above the label, and now it's, like, half empty. Come on!' This way, they can move blame away from themselves and at the same time look caring, respectable and righteously angry, instead of the low-life cheapskate milkswigging motherfucker they really are."

The author has since announced plans to follow up with an Instagram- and Twitter-friendly version of the book, so that students correctly learn the art of uploading multiple shots of their cup of morning coffee. 

"Let's be serious," said Inthafrige. "It isn't good coffee until everyone you know has seen a picture of it. And liked that shit."

Politicos release new language handguide

Pic: wikimedia

Politico wannabes who struggle to be taken seriously in the South Africa can lay their troubles to rest, after a recent publication teaching any and all aspiring tenderpreneurs how to correctly employ rhetoric has hit the bookshelves.

According to Stark publishing, an initiative between various leading political figures from the ANC, SASCO and COPE has seen the release of a new book aimed at teaching would-be politicians how to ‘talk the talk’.

“Comrade brother chiefs, this is a great day for anyone who wishes to get into the political sphere,” said the book’s author, Speekmore Rahbish, best-selling writer with such famous works under his belt as How to Play the Race Card, and Making Money: a Tender Issue. The book has a breakdown of equivalent translations of politi-speak, and serves as a guideline for political rhetoric with advice such as “call people, ‘the masses'” and "when in doubt, use big words".

The book, entitled How to Talk the Talk (now on sale at all major bookstores), outlines many helpful phrases and translations that can aid future politicos, says Rahbish. 

"This book will demystify the whole thing," said the author, opening the book to read a few examples to gathered reporters. Noteworthy examples include:

“Chief brother honourable comrade, I seek clarity as to the issue pertaining to the certainty and extent thereof concerning the matter at hand arising from current conversation” ---->  “Are you sure?”

“Comrade brother-in-arms, I would like to seek further and additional nutritional substance and satisfaction of a more meaningful, worthwhile nature as such that we fulfill the aims of such an endeavourous occasion” ---->  “Let’s eat something else”

“Comrade great leader, might I make the unequivocal suggestion that we place more pertinence on the issue pertaining to the mobilisation of the current gathered masses beknownst to us so that we may further reoccupy the territories stolen from us by imperialist colonial oppressive history.”
----> “Let us call our friends and go to the beach” 

Since its publication last week, the book has been met by a resounding wave of approval and praise.

“Ever since I failed Woodwork last year, I have known that I was destined for political power," said third-year Politics student at Rhodes University, Julian Marx. "However, sounding legit has been a real stumbling block for me – the masses just don’t take me seriously. This book has changed all that. Within months, I intend on getting taxpayers to renovate MY homestead.” 

The book has been met with scathing criticism, however, with many calling the book "dangerous, useless, and classless." Despite this, the book's publishers and author are unmoved.

"Of course it's classless!" said Rhabish. "It's Marx!" 

The author has since announced plans for a new book, but has been secretive on details.
"I don't want to give it all away too soon, but I will give you three words," he said with a wink:
"'HIV' and 'African Beetroot'".