"I'm actually a total pussy" admits man in Tap Out shirt

Following increasing feelings of guilt and shame, Johannesburg resident, Blue Bulls fan and training supplement addict Johannes Berger admitted to reporters that this morning that, despite his 3-sizes-too-small Tap Out gym shirt, totally schweet pecs, seeming violent disposition and tribal barbed-wire tattoos on both arms, he was, in fact, "a total pussy."

"Laaike, you maaight think that I'm laaike this lank angry oke, bru," he said in a statement yesterday morning, "but actually I'm a cowardly , homophobic-and-yet-strangely-homoerotic guy who hides behind the image of a boet you don't mess with. Brutha."

He pushed through his wretched sobs to explain how his social image and the corresponding peer pressure of his screaming-in-the-gym friend circles were forcing him to live a lie.

"The other night at the bar where I go to not enjoy myself and try to start fights, this oke's eyes momentarily passed over my chick and I was forced to do that whole 'what the flip are you flippen' looking at, china? You checkin' my chick, bra? You should chew a brick 'cos you'll lose less teeth that way, guy.' It almost turned into a fight, which I definitely would have lost, even though he was a head shorter than me, much smaller than me and was by himself thereby making him the perfect fighting target for me an my eight friends."

Berger, who has no formal training or experience in boxing, self-defence, fighting or any form of martial arts, including that TapOut MMA crap, said it was only the 'hold me back, okes, or i'll klap this flippen boet' that prevented him from getting the utter crap beated out of him.

"It was a close call," he said. "I've never even been in a fight before, even though I own a small country's GDP worth of Affliction and TapOut Tees."

Berger went on to say that although he has been keeping up a very convincing facade for almost 23 years now, it is only a matter of time before his friends discover how much of a gutless yellow-bellied sack of shit he really is.

"I've already got the crap tattoos, too-taaight kiff gym vest and schweet biceps - there isn't anything more, unless I buy an orange-magged Subaru that is strangely too small for me." he said. "I can't do anything more to prove my boytjiehood. One small slipup and I'm done for."

His friends could not be reached for comment, as they were all too busy screaming at each other by the benchpress section for "one more, boych, come on, push it!".

Global youth shocked as WWF revealed as "fake"

Millions of eight- to twelve-year-olds were left reeling in shock this morning as a tell-all scandalous book was released exposed the World Wrestling Federation (with its signature logo of a cute panda), World Wrestling Entertainment and all other forms of Wrestling Entertainment as fake.

The book, entitled, "Bodyslams and bodyshams: a life behind the ropes" and written by famous Wrestler-turned-"actor"-turned-informercial-product-host-turned-"writer" Beau D. Slahms (who once wrestled under the stage name John Cena) turns an insider's eye on the very-real looking wrestling profession.

"As a kid, I used to think that these men must have been gods," said Slahms. "I mean, to take that many chairs, ladders, pile-drivers and choke-slams, you must be literally made of steel. Literally."

Entranced by the moves on tv, and after ignoring that stupid warning and Trying These Moves At Home on his younger brother, Slahms was determined to become one of these ultimate men. It was only once he had made the big break and was put in his first real title match, that he realised what was really going on.

"They gave me a script and I had my own personal assistant who brought me lattes and I had to follow cues and rehearse and put on makeup and everything," he said. "I was devastated. It made me want to punch a wall that looks real but is actually cardboard and kaylite painted very convincingly."

The book gives damning evidence into the sham of wrestling.

"That fall from a ladder onto a metal table might look very real, but it's fake," said Slahms. "The same applies for the punches and kicks. All totally fake. You never would have guessed it, right?"

According to child psychologists, the revelation of wrestling's true status has rocked prepubescent teens to the core.

"This would have been the single largest shock to pre-teen belief systems since learning that Santa Claus is actually their drunk uncle in a costume," said child psychologist Reed Mynds. "However, that doesn't really matter. Pretty soon they'll be too busy discovering masturbation. In a month they'll be like 'Steve Austin who?"

Wrestling now joins the long list of mythical, fake things in the world, alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts, beer for less than R10, and that video of that girl who catches fire while twerking.