SA Music Union seeks chefs, businessmen, for next week’s gig

Chefs, businessmen, doctors and experts of all professions can look forward to an exciting opportunity for fantastic exposure in their various fields this weekend, after the South African Musicians' Union published a press release announcing free slots in their upcoming gig in Johannesburg this weekend.

According to the press release, the gig organisers are looking for professionals from all walks of life to come and show off their skills to a gathered crowd of hundreds. Chefs, painters, accountants – no matter their field of expertise – will work in 40-minute slots at the venue. 

“It really is going to be a fantastic opportunity for various career leaders to make their names known in their spheres of work,” said event organiser Eim hun der Payd. “For example, if you’re a struggling doctor who wants to get his name out there, or a starting-up chef already working two jobs to support his passion for cooking – often for free – then this is a great chance to get some unequalled notoriety.” 

However, he added, due to budgeting constraints, Hun der Payd added that they would be unable to offer remuneration for services rendered. 

“Right now we’ve unfortunately spent all of our allocated budget on paying our designers, photographers and musicians for a change, but we don’t think that’s too big a deal,” he said. “I mean, this about your art, your passion, your calling. What is money? Can you really justify paying for art? Doesn’t that debase it?” 

He did, however, mention that they might “swing you a free beer” or “at least one that’s much cheaper than usual.” 

“We’re cool like that. We think you’ll have earned it,” he added with a smile. 

Since the announcement, thousands of amateur professionals across the country have greeted the news with delight and excitement. 

“I’m going to sign up immediately,” said 36-year-old Sushi chef Roald de Maki. “Even if it means doing everything for free.” 

Other professionals aired similar enthusiasm. 

“I’m only doing this accountancy work to support my passion for figures and numbers,” said 42-year-old charted accountant Kerry Balance. “Maybe afterwards I’ll get paid for my pen-pushing? I know that to become a real, accepted accountant, you have to put in a few free hours here and there.”

“I’m also signing up,” agreed corporate CEO Emma Basil. “I’ve worked tirelessly, day-in and day-out from the lowly position of daughter-of-the-CEO for over a year to get to where I am, and this showcase will be an opportunity to show off what I’ve learned. My father always told me that if I worked hard I would succeed, and that’s exactly what I tell my kids.” 

However, not all professionals have been pleased. 

“It’s a joke,” said expert engineer Brad de Zyyn. “Every weekend people call me up and are like,’Hey, Brad, don’t you want to quickly draw up some standards-compliant, fully accurate and to-scale blue prints for my second home that I want to build in Durban?’ I’m sick of these free gigs. I mean, I put a lot of time and effort into my drawings. It is too much to ask for a little bit of recompensation for that time, skill, and hard work?”

This is a complaint that has been echoed by struggling neurosurgeons, nuclear physicists and advanced encryptologists across the world.

Meanwhile, in related and equally shocking news, a poster designer, a photographer and at least four musicians were actually offered money for their services. 

“We’re just playing around with a new strategy,” explained Hun der Payd. “But right now we don’t seriously think that it’s something that will catch on and continue as time goes by. I mean, that would make them think their work is actually worth anything of value. Hahahah!”

Global youth shocked as WWF revealed as "fake"

Millions of eight- to twelve-year-olds were left reeling in shock this morning as a tell-all scandalous book was released exposed the World Wrestling Federation (with its signature logo of a cute panda), World Wrestling Entertainment and all other forms of Wrestling Entertainment as fake.

The book, entitled, "Bodyslams and bodyshams: a life behind the ropes" and written by famous Wrestler-turned-"actor"-turned-informercial-product-host-turned-"writer" Beau D. Slahms (who once wrestled under the stage name John Cena) turns an insider's eye on the very-real looking wrestling profession.

"As a kid, I used to think that these men must have been gods," said Slahms. "I mean, to take that many chairs, ladders, pile-drivers and choke-slams, you must be literally made of steel. Literally."

Entranced by the moves on tv, and after ignoring that stupid warning and Trying These Moves At Home on his younger brother, Slahms was determined to become one of these ultimate men. It was only once he had made the big break and was put in his first real title match, that he realised what was really going on.

"They gave me a script and I had my own personal assistant who brought me lattes and I had to follow cues and rehearse and put on makeup and everything," he said. "I was devastated. It made me want to punch a wall that looks real but is actually cardboard and kaylite painted very convincingly."

The book gives damning evidence into the sham of wrestling.

"That fall from a ladder onto a metal table might look very real, but it's fake," said Slahms. "The same applies for the punches and kicks. All totally fake. You never would have guessed it, right?"

According to child psychologists, the revelation of wrestling's true status has rocked prepubescent teens to the core.

"This would have been the single largest shock to pre-teen belief systems since learning that Santa Claus is actually their drunk uncle in a costume," said child psychologist Reed Mynds. "However, that doesn't really matter. Pretty soon they'll be too busy discovering masturbation. In a month they'll be like 'Steve Austin who?"

Wrestling now joins the long list of mythical, fake things in the world, alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts, beer for less than R10, and that video of that girl who catches fire while twerking.