SA Music Union seeks chefs, businessmen, for next week’s gig

Chefs, businessmen, doctors and experts of all professions can look forward to an exciting opportunity for fantastic exposure in their various fields this weekend, after the South African Musicians' Union published a press release announcing free slots in their upcoming gig in Johannesburg this weekend.

According to the press release, the gig organisers are looking for professionals from all walks of life to come and show off their skills to a gathered crowd of hundreds. Chefs, painters, accountants – no matter their field of expertise – will work in 40-minute slots at the venue. 

“It really is going to be a fantastic opportunity for various career leaders to make their names known in their spheres of work,” said event organiser Eim hun der Payd. “For example, if you’re a struggling doctor who wants to get his name out there, or a starting-up chef already working two jobs to support his passion for cooking – often for free – then this is a great chance to get some unequalled notoriety.” 

However, he added, due to budgeting constraints, Hun der Payd added that they would be unable to offer remuneration for services rendered. 

“Right now we’ve unfortunately spent all of our allocated budget on paying our designers, photographers and musicians for a change, but we don’t think that’s too big a deal,” he said. “I mean, this about your art, your passion, your calling. What is money? Can you really justify paying for art? Doesn’t that debase it?” 

He did, however, mention that they might “swing you a free beer” or “at least one that’s much cheaper than usual.” 

“We’re cool like that. We think you’ll have earned it,” he added with a smile. 

Since the announcement, thousands of amateur professionals across the country have greeted the news with delight and excitement. 

“I’m going to sign up immediately,” said 36-year-old Sushi chef Roald de Maki. “Even if it means doing everything for free.” 

Other professionals aired similar enthusiasm. 

“I’m only doing this accountancy work to support my passion for figures and numbers,” said 42-year-old charted accountant Kerry Balance. “Maybe afterwards I’ll get paid for my pen-pushing? I know that to become a real, accepted accountant, you have to put in a few free hours here and there.”

“I’m also signing up,” agreed corporate CEO Emma Basil. “I’ve worked tirelessly, day-in and day-out from the lowly position of daughter-of-the-CEO for over a year to get to where I am, and this showcase will be an opportunity to show off what I’ve learned. My father always told me that if I worked hard I would succeed, and that’s exactly what I tell my kids.” 

However, not all professionals have been pleased. 

“It’s a joke,” said expert engineer Brad de Zyyn. “Every weekend people call me up and are like,’Hey, Brad, don’t you want to quickly draw up some standards-compliant, fully accurate and to-scale blue prints for my second home that I want to build in Durban?’ I’m sick of these free gigs. I mean, I put a lot of time and effort into my drawings. It is too much to ask for a little bit of recompensation for that time, skill, and hard work?”

This is a complaint that has been echoed by struggling neurosurgeons, nuclear physicists and advanced encryptologists across the world.

Meanwhile, in related and equally shocking news, a poster designer, a photographer and at least four musicians were actually offered money for their services. 

“We’re just playing around with a new strategy,” explained Hun der Payd. “But right now we don’t seriously think that it’s something that will catch on and continue as time goes by. I mean, that would make them think their work is actually worth anything of value. Hahahah!”

Facebook users concerned over Giraffe takeover

pic: wikimedia commons

Hundreds of Facebook users reportedly clogged up the Facebook Team’s complaints and queries service inbox this morning, after unanimously voicing concerns over the sudden and inexplicable increase in the number of giraffes on Facebook.

“I opened up my newsfeed this morning, and suddenly I saw that all my human friends had suddenly become giraffes,” said 23-year-old Rhodes student and hater of stupid fucking reposted riddles about what you would open first if your parents came over to your house at 3am, Derrick Anderson. “What is this bullshit?”

The complaints threw the Facebook investigative team into immediate action. However, the scale of the mystery has left them stumped and dazed.

“Right now, we just don’t know why this is happening,” said Head of Complaints Resolution for Facebook Ree Pears. “It could be Black Magick, transamorgraphying them into animals by way of voodoo and the dark arts. Or it could be a sophisticated hack. It might even be some sort of transcendant expression of our users' inner animal, the power of forgotten gods and ancestors making themselves known in the most public way possible.”

He went on to add, however, that it definitely couldn’t be because of a stupid riddle.

“Correlation isn’t the same as causality,” said Pears. “We’re fairly confident that our users aren’t so mindless that they would A) fall for such a daft word puzzle and B) actually go through with changing their profile picture after failing this incredible flawed and at the same time very easy challenge.”

Meanwhile, professors studying language at Universities across the world have expressed their outrage at the events.

“We’re concerned that there will be a giraffe monopoly on Facebook,” said the Rhodes University Dean of Students Div ke Vlerk in a statement this morning. “At Rhodes, we’re total supporters of an animal multiplicity, and as such we advise students to please upload pictures of goats, lions, carnivores, scavengers  diurnal and nocturnal animals, be they mammal or reptile or aquatic, in the interest of equal representation and diversity.”

Meanwhile, professors from the English departments of various tertiary institutes have complained at the riddle.

“It’s just too flawed to consider. I mean, why the hell would your parents be coming over at 3am?” said Dean of Humanities Jay Entprix. “The only reason anyone would feasibly suggest that sort of eventuality would be an in the event of an emergency of some kind, in which case why would you offer them wine or jam or cheese? And what kind of fucking cheese comes in a bottle or jar? They’re your parents, so presumably you wouldn’t offer them the cheap squeezey-cheese? And of course, if you wake up first the answer is ‘Your Eyes’, but what if you’re lying in bed comprehending the simple meaninglessness of the entire universe as outlined in theories of existentialism or nihilism? In that case, your eyes are already open and you’ll open the door first – unless they had their own key, or you live in a house with no doors or an open-plan vista that limits private enclosure.”

He shook his head before breaking off and adding that you could probably see his point so he wouldn’t bore you any further.

“Also, what if you’re not home?” he said. “None of these potential factors are even suggested at in this over-simplistic riddle.”

In spite of all this the Facebook Team is adamant that they will get to the bottom of this.

“Right now we’re programming and ‘Automatic Friend Spring-clean’ function to Facebook that will use your webcam and microphone to track your sarcastic eye-rolls and groans of ‘fuck, come on,’ or ‘god, I hate you’ and so on and so forth,” said Pear. “Currently we’re automatically adding anyone with a Giraffe in their profile picture to that list. One click, and you’ll never have to read that shit again.”

The group of Facebook experts has already made  a page outlining these plans – a page that has garnered over 700 million likes since its creation.

“We’re sure this is a feature everyone will love,” said Pears. “Except, of course, that bastard Reggie at Toys ‘R Us.”

Thousands sunburnt after Tornado ravages Eastern Cape

pic: wikimedia commons

Thousands of residents living in the Eastern Cape were left nursing third-degree sunburns after the much radio-hyped Class 6 tornado predicted to hit the coastline finally made landfall yesterday. 

Tornado Deathwave Bringer, as it has now been dubbed by the radio media which discussed the tornado's possible effects and path at length, viciously tickled tree leaves and violently creaked wind vanes after breakneck breezes, some racing at speeds in excess of 8km/hr, swept across the land, leaving in their wake a devastating path of flustered hair and underarm sweat. 

“The tornado was singularly awful simply because it was unlike any other that has ever hit the country, or any country, for that matter,” said local weather man Val Souds. “It was particularly iniquitous because it was a tornado that looked nothing like a tornado.” 

The claim has since been confirmed by traumatised eyewitnesses at ground zero. 

“It was terrifying!” said local Port Elizabeth businessman Sal Goods. “Here we were expecting rain and wind and the fury of a scorned wind god embodied in a towering funnel of windy death, and then… nothing. Not only was it slightly destructive, it was also utterly deceptive.” 

Since the odious weather began, locals have been flooding the Muse and Abuse offices with complaints of damage and trauma. 

“It was awful,” said Rhodes student Harry Cane. “The tornado magnified the sun’s rays, forcing me to take off my jersey and go down to the pool for a few hours. Then, when the clouds swept over the sun for a few minutes, I had to put my jersey back on.” 

According to Cane, this behaviour continued for up to an hour, forcing him to repeated remove and put back on various items of clothing. 

“It was terribly inconvenient,” he said. 

Meanwhile, weather centres across the Cape have reported that in some places the tornado reached windspeeds of nearly 14km/hr, as well as temperatures of 32 degrees Celsius, with high exposure risks of sunny skies. 

“Tornados usually only go up to Class 5, but this one brought with it risks of heat stroke and skin cancer, as well as damage to only-just-coiffured hair! We had to create a whole new class for this kind of weather monstrosity,” said head of Meteorology at the Centre for Weather Studies Chech McClowds. “It’s the worst weather we’ve had all week, and definitely worse than last week’s, too. It’s irrefutable proof of global warming, climate change, or at the very least that we’re praying to the wrong god.” 

He went on to slaughter a chicken and incant prayers of appeasement toward the furious wind god Col’chu’kaan. 

“All hail the Lord of Wind and Might, his glorious Majesty of the Skies and Clouds,” he added. 

Residents of the Eastern Cape have since been warned to make preparations for a possible second wave of similar tornado activity. 

“We’re putting all of our citizens on high alert,” said Mayor of East London Jehovah Payd. “If the weather gets worse, we’re going to have to start handing out emergency rations of sunblock and beach towels.” 

Muse and Abuse advises all residents to remain indoors, and maybe open a goddamn textbook and study for your Chemistry exam next week, event though we all know you’ll probably watch four seasons of Breaking Bad in one sitting. No, it’s not the same thing.

Internet mistrust causes widespread dismay

A new study has shown that internet mistrust and skepticism has caused millions lost in revenue and much personal disappointment among the net’s users.

The study, done by Rhodes University Dean of Computer Science Tom Hakker, has covered a wide range of subjects, drawing on personal interviews conducted around the world.

"Statistically, 86.57% of people believe that 91.232% of all the statistics they hear on the internet are false."

According to the study, some 400 000 Russian brides have spent the last decade or so sad and desperately lonely. “There are literally thousands of beautiful women with great cooking skills and voracious sexual appetites being ignored on a daily basis,” said Hacker, flipping through the massive thesis on his desk.

“All I want is for man to make happy long life with me,” said interviewee would-be bride Katja Kokoff, who is a five-star chef, international supermodel, and has recently been diagnosed with nymphomania. “I message many man saying I want for make marriage, but they never respond.”

Katja is one of the many beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, loving brides who live in constant loneliness.

This trend has affected struggling online businesses too. Local online business magnate Celine Stuftouya has reported massive lost revenues.

“I have a wide variety of products and services for sale, and not even a single item is moving,” she said. “In desperation, I’ve had to resort to trying to give away free iPad 3s and huge, all-expenses-paid trips overseas, but even that has failed.”

Business expert Crun Chinumbers agrees, saying that the amount of free stuff that businesses try to give away that doesn’t get claimed is just shocking.

"People just don't believe in a free lunch anymore," he said, saying that it was probably due to rising cynicism due to Youtube arguments and News24 comments.

Other businessmen have aired similar exasperation.

"I make $5000 a day from being online,” said online entrepreneur Ian Ternet. “All I want to do is share my money-making secrets online, but everyone thinks it’s a trick. It reminds me of the time I found this life-changing penis-enlargement cream and this 100% guaranteed workout programme that gives you rock-hard killer abs in just 3 days. I was so excited that I emailed thousands of people, trying to change their lives forever, and I didn’t even get a handful of responses. Either everyone in the world is hung like Chuck Norris and is more ripped than Zuma’s arms deal paperwork, or no one trusts anyone on the internet anymore,” he said.

Even banks have been affected.

"Many of our tellers email our clients asking for their account numbers and PIN numbers. For some reason, they think it's a ruse," said head of Stranded Bank, Jane Phisher.

Even since its invention in the 1980s by Al Gore, the internet has seen a shocking downturn of trust.
Trust levels on the web are now as low as The Black Eyed Peas' originality.

Son of deposed Nigerian King and Oil tycoon, Ido Nwanashair, has also complained bitterly that he can’t share his father’s fortune.

“Thanks to the backwards Nigerian banking system, for me to clear my inheritance I need to transfer it to another international account first. It’s a dumb loophole that has caused me endless misery. I’ve become so desperate that I’ve even offered to share the billions with whoever helps me out, but even that couldn’t convince them that it was a bone fide offer,” he said.

Since the study’s publication, The Internet Lottery Association has released a public statement saying that millions of dollars go unclaimed everyday in online lotteries.

“We have run European lotteries, US lotteries, UK lotteries, and have even allowed people not from those states to take part and stand a chance to win billions. We’ve even dropped the winning odds so that they’re guaranteed to win, but still no one signs up. It’s heartbreaking,” said ILA spokesman Lyon Tou-Hevriuan.

The lottery, however, is not the only competition to be affected by surfers' skepticism. According to Jim Hussler, CEO of online competition website wanttowin.com, they've had almost zero participation.

"We do everything we can to make entering the competition as easy as possible. We make huge, flashing buttons that scream out that they've won millions of dollar and all-expenses-paid vacations on Cruise Liners, but nothing. Hell, we even changed our programming so that everyone who visits our site is the 'millionth customer'. We can't even give these prizes away," he said.

Even the global sphere of welfare has taken a massive hit.

"We've recently come up with new, technologically awe-inspiring methods to solve all the world's problems," said head of international welfare organisation "Like if you're against cancer/animal abuse/world hunger/poverty" (LIYACAWP), Tom Lykinkomment.

"Our team of quantum scientists have broken the barrier of quantum dynamics, allowing us to transfer cures from digital information. We have embedded solutions to all the world's problems into relevant pictures, such as that of a dying dolphin, starving child, or kid with no hair. All we need is a million likes," he explained.

One of the millions of images created by LIYACAWP
Source: scalablemedia.com

So far, the campaign has been fruitless.

"We've had maybe a couple of hundred thousand likes, but there are a lot of hateful, mistrusting people online who think it's all a stupid waste of time that helps no one and distracts from meaningful, real activism and awareness campaigns. It's these people who are keeping the world a sick, damaged place."