Thousands sunburnt after Tornado ravages Eastern Cape

pic: wikimedia commons

Thousands of residents living in the Eastern Cape were left nursing third-degree sunburns after the much radio-hyped Class 6 tornado predicted to hit the coastline finally made landfall yesterday. 

Tornado Deathwave Bringer, as it has now been dubbed by the radio media which discussed the tornado's possible effects and path at length, viciously tickled tree leaves and violently creaked wind vanes after breakneck breezes, some racing at speeds in excess of 8km/hr, swept across the land, leaving in their wake a devastating path of flustered hair and underarm sweat. 

“The tornado was singularly awful simply because it was unlike any other that has ever hit the country, or any country, for that matter,” said local weather man Val Souds. “It was particularly iniquitous because it was a tornado that looked nothing like a tornado.” 

The claim has since been confirmed by traumatised eyewitnesses at ground zero. 

“It was terrifying!” said local Port Elizabeth businessman Sal Goods. “Here we were expecting rain and wind and the fury of a scorned wind god embodied in a towering funnel of windy death, and then… nothing. Not only was it slightly destructive, it was also utterly deceptive.” 

Since the odious weather began, locals have been flooding the Muse and Abuse offices with complaints of damage and trauma. 

“It was awful,” said Rhodes student Harry Cane. “The tornado magnified the sun’s rays, forcing me to take off my jersey and go down to the pool for a few hours. Then, when the clouds swept over the sun for a few minutes, I had to put my jersey back on.” 

According to Cane, this behaviour continued for up to an hour, forcing him to repeated remove and put back on various items of clothing. 

“It was terribly inconvenient,” he said. 

Meanwhile, weather centres across the Cape have reported that in some places the tornado reached windspeeds of nearly 14km/hr, as well as temperatures of 32 degrees Celsius, with high exposure risks of sunny skies. 

“Tornados usually only go up to Class 5, but this one brought with it risks of heat stroke and skin cancer, as well as damage to only-just-coiffured hair! We had to create a whole new class for this kind of weather monstrosity,” said head of Meteorology at the Centre for Weather Studies Chech McClowds. “It’s the worst weather we’ve had all week, and definitely worse than last week’s, too. It’s irrefutable proof of global warming, climate change, or at the very least that we’re praying to the wrong god.” 

He went on to slaughter a chicken and incant prayers of appeasement toward the furious wind god Col’chu’kaan. 

“All hail the Lord of Wind and Might, his glorious Majesty of the Skies and Clouds,” he added. 

Residents of the Eastern Cape have since been warned to make preparations for a possible second wave of similar tornado activity. 

“We’re putting all of our citizens on high alert,” said Mayor of East London Jehovah Payd. “If the weather gets worse, we’re going to have to start handing out emergency rations of sunblock and beach towels.” 

Muse and Abuse advises all residents to remain indoors, and maybe open a goddamn textbook and study for your Chemistry exam next week, event though we all know you’ll probably watch four seasons of Breaking Bad in one sitting. No, it’s not the same thing.

Canoes may appear at drinking festival

The addition of traditional white-water canoes, pictured,
to these events have caused much consternation and
controversy.
pic: http://www.ichauffeur.co.uk/events/news/2009/02/the-oxford-and-cambridge-boat-race/

Thousands of students gearing up for this weekend's giant Hansa Drinking and Alcohol Festival held by Fish River in Cradock, the Eastern Cape, are reportedly in arms over the news that a canoe race might be held alongside the drinking festivities next weekend. 

"The Fish River Drinking Marathon has long been one of the greatest parties and drunken get-togethers in South Africa, just after the Port Alfred Drinking Boatraces and the Inter-Varsity Drinking Competition," said event organiser Nota Boutsport. "And now, alongside the lineup of DJs, sexy Red Bull girls and cheap drinks, we might even have some sports. Or something."

Many students planning to attend the event are reportedly excited by the addition.

"You know, I'm travelling a long way to get ultimately trashed as hell, and so if i get to see some boats, you know, maybe for a few minutes, well, that's a plus for me," said third-year Wits student Rachel Devibes. 

This is not the first time, however, that such a change to drinking festivals have been made.

"Back in 1977, when the annual Boat Races was all about drinking and nothing more, the party organisers thought it would be really cool if some, like, boats came by. You know, cos of the name," said South African Party historian Daits Antyms. "We've seen similar additions of sport to famous booze fests, such as the Tri-Var thing, which was originally named because of the three variations (Tri-Var) of booze - wine, beer and spirits - that were consumed over the three-day competition."

These additions were somewhat successful, and have been continued.

"I hear they even give out these fake trophies to give it an air of officialism and stuff," said Antyms. "You'd almost think that sport was a central part of the proceedings."

However, many attendees are worried that these new changes will ruin the spirit of the event, and detract from the real point of the whole festival weekend.

"This marathon weekend is supposed to be dedicated to the ultimate contest of struggle and will, and the pure essence of competition," said student and fourth-time Fish attendee Dow Ndowns. "How can we laud the astounding achievements of these accomplished alcoholics if there're these flippen' sportsmen and their bloody boats trying to steal the spotlight?"

In spite of this, many more students are not at all worried about the changes.

"I've been to the Boat Races before, and half of us didn't even see a boat," said fourth-year BSc student Marion Phistpumps. "So like, who cares? These guys are acting as if these events are all about sport."

Events organisers have arranged for the racing to be right between dancing and the complex art of getting plastered, so as to disturb or distract the partygoers as little as possible.

"We don't want people to think that we're prioritising the wrong crowd," said Boutsports,