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| pic: wikimedia commons |
Thousands of residents living in the Eastern Cape were
left nursing third-degree sunburns after the much radio-hyped Class 6 tornado
predicted to hit the coastline finally made landfall yesterday.
Tornado
Deathwave Bringer, as it has now been dubbed by the radio media which discussed the tornado's possible effects and path at length, viciously tickled
tree leaves and violently creaked wind vanes after breakneck breezes, some
racing at speeds in excess of 8km/hr, swept across the land, leaving in their
wake a devastating path of flustered hair and underarm sweat.
“The tornado was
singularly awful simply because it was unlike any other that has ever hit the
country, or any country, for that matter,” said local weather man Val Souds.
“It was particularly iniquitous because it was a tornado that looked nothing
like a tornado.”
The claim has since been confirmed by traumatised eyewitnesses
at ground zero.
“It was terrifying!” said local Port Elizabeth businessman Sal
Goods. “Here we were expecting rain and wind and the fury of a scorned wind god
embodied in a towering funnel of windy death, and then… nothing. Not only was
it slightly destructive, it was also utterly deceptive.”
Since the odious
weather began, locals have been flooding the Muse and Abuse offices with complaints of damage and trauma.
“It
was awful,” said Rhodes student Harry Cane. “The tornado magnified the sun’s
rays, forcing me to take off my jersey and go down to the pool for a few hours.
Then, when the clouds swept over the sun for a few minutes, I had to put my
jersey back on.”
According to Cane, this behaviour continued for up to an hour,
forcing him to repeated remove and put back on various items of clothing.
“It
was terribly inconvenient,” he said.
Meanwhile, weather centres across the Cape
have reported that in some places the tornado reached windspeeds of nearly
14km/hr, as well as temperatures of 32 degrees Celsius, with high exposure
risks of sunny skies.
“Tornados usually only go up to Class 5, but this one
brought with it risks of heat stroke and skin cancer, as well as damage to
only-just-coiffured hair! We had to create a whole new class for this kind of
weather monstrosity,” said head of Meteorology at the Centre for Weather
Studies Chech McClowds. “It’s the worst weather we’ve had all week, and definitely
worse than last week’s, too. It’s irrefutable proof of global warming, climate
change, or at the very least that we’re praying to the wrong god.”
He went on
to slaughter a chicken and incant prayers of appeasement toward the furious
wind god Col’chu’kaan.
“All hail the Lord of Wind and Might, his glorious
Majesty of the Skies and Clouds,” he added.
Residents of the Eastern Cape have
since been warned to make preparations for a possible second wave of similar
tornado activity.
“We’re putting all of our citizens on high alert,” said Mayor
of East London Jehovah Payd. “If the weather gets worse, we’re going to have to
start handing out emergency rations of sunblock and beach towels.”
Muse and
Abuse advises all residents to remain indoors, and maybe open a goddamn
textbook and study for your Chemistry exam next week, event though we all know
you’ll probably watch four seasons of Breaking Bad in one sitting. No, it’s not
the same thing.
