Rhodes publishes new student cookbook

pic: Heroic Beer, Flickr

Students across South Africa are rejoicing after announcements by Rhodes University to publish a new cookbook aimed at catering to the lack of money, meal standards and real culinary skill that resounds in 18 - 25 year-olds.

The book, which is to be made available at the only monopoly of a bookstore in all of Grahamstown Schan Vaik's later this week, will cover not only the basics of student cookery, such as how to properly order a pie at BP when you're trashed, how to correctly open and heat a tin of beans, or set your toaster to the right setting, but will also introduce students to the more difficult aspects of cooking, including knowing when a swig is one too many, how to make sure you rotate between digsmates' cereal boxes, and how to reuse a dirty pan instead of washing up anything in the growing mountain of crockery and cookware piling up in the disease-festering hellhole you call a sink.

Studies show that using someone else's milk can
improve flavour by up to 38%.
pic:Bitch Cakes, Flickr

"This book is just perfect for all students who are just too lazy to go and buy their own goddamn bottle of milk at Pick n' Pay," said the book's author Rumaj Inthafrige. "Even if you just sneak a handful of friend's Rice Krispies every now and then, or maybe even just a slice of bread and a finger or two of their peanut butter, there's something for everyone in its pages."

The book includes many healthy and wallet-saving meals, for example the Sneaky Oat Bowl Breakfast. Take a cup or so of your digsmate's oats, microwave it to perfection and then add a splash of your other digsmate's milk. If you're feeling particularly brave, be sure to enjoy a fast swig of his orange juice.

Students can learn much from its pages, including proper meal preparation. "For example, before preparing any meal, it is always important that you check which of your digsmates are home," said Inthafrige. "So that you don't get seen 'accidentally' browsing their cupboards."

Many nutritional experts have praised the book, citing its scientific accuracy and large, colourful picture-based recipes that accommodate even the most inept BCom student.

"Studies have shown that not only is taking someone else's food a more cost-effective way of preparing easy, quick meals," said Rhodes dietology expert Noah Moorekarbs, "but that the food itself will also taste better, flavoured by the satisfying and salty tang of smug guilt that comes with being a sneaky dick."

The book also contains a section of handy excuses for those who get caught red-handed (seen in the section, "How To Argue That You Thought Your Milk Was The One With The Red Label" and "No, This Is My Beer, I'm Positive, Bro") as well as methods to avoid detection completely. 

"You can buy, or even dig through a bin to find, an empty oats box or milk bottle and just keep it in plain sight so that you can point at it and say something like, 'Oh no, I've got my own, why would I use yours?'," said Inthafrige. "Or, if push comes to shove, you can always point the first finger. Many students find it extremely beneficial to say something like, 'okes, who keeps drinking my fucking milk? It was all the way above the label, and now it's, like, half empty. Come on!' This way, they can move blame away from themselves and at the same time look caring, respectable and righteously angry, instead of the low-life cheapskate milkswigging motherfucker they really are."

The author has since announced plans to follow up with an Instagram- and Twitter-friendly version of the book, so that students correctly learn the art of uploading multiple shots of their cup of morning coffee. 

"Let's be serious," said Inthafrige. "It isn't good coffee until everyone you know has seen a picture of it. And liked that shit."