New children’s book series take on nihilism, ennui

It’s a great day for education and philosophy, after publishing giant McMillin Publishing announced long-awaited plans to adapt several world-renowned books on nihilism and fatalism into kid-friendly books for children of all ages.

Saying that the current climate of children’s literature does nothing to prepare them for the crushing loneliness, chaos and bitter meaninglessness of life, McMillin CEO Sue Wisside said that the books would finally correct the widespread and erroneous childhood notion that the world is a place of love and fairness.

“I think we can all agree that growing up was a fantastic experience,” she said to gathered reporters at a press conference this morning. “Love, friendship, unity, justice, fun – these are just a few of the cherished lies that we all remember so fondly from our formative years. And if you’re looking for books to fool your children into thinking there’s some kind of meaning or purpose or reason to this short, ugly existence of hatred and suffering, you have literally thousands to choose from.”

However, said Wiside, when it comes to cultivating a curiosity and interest in the emptiness and howling despair that awaits us all, or even just getting the littl'uns thinking about the uncertainty of existence and being instead of frolicking puppies and candy trees in far-off magical kingdoms, there just isn’t anything kid-friendly.

“The only books we have on these fascinating, life-altering, addiction-causing subjects are filled with hopelessly long words that our young tykes would never be able to understand,” she explained, drawing on the collected works of Nietzsche, Sartre, and other existentialist philosophers. “And to be honest, they also all lack the colourful, wide-eyed and naïve animal heroes that our youngest seem to crave so much.”

And parents of children involved in the early focus group testing say the books are amazing.

“I’m blown away,” said one parent. “Just yesterday I went into little Johnny’s room and found him drinking whiskey out the bottle and smoking an unending chain of cigarettes. When I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged and said ‘muting the unbearable scream that is silence' and then went back to writing his terrible, self-pitying poetry.”

McMillin says that the books will go on sale in bookstores across the globe as early as next Spring, and children will be able to choose between wonderful titles like See Spot Contemplate the Meaninglessness Of It All, The Secret Seven and the Mystery of The Benevolent God Who Allows Children To Die Of Easily-Treated Illnesses and Fun With Dick And Jane (also titled “The Virtues of Reckless Hedonism”).

Facebook user yet to prove he's against xenophobia

Public concern is approaching an all-time high, after another day passed where a Facebook user hasn't changed his cover picture or posted a status denouncing xenophobia and condemning the series of hate crimes that have recently hit South Africa's population.

According to everyone on his friend list 24-year-old Jake Henderson has not changed his profile picture to a picture of a bleeding Africa, taken the effort to condemn the attacks in a lengthy post that contains a hashtag, or even posted a link where other people but him can donate to Aid groups working in the affected areas.

"It's certainly troubling," said a source close to Henderson who agreed to speak to reporters under anonymity. "When I heard about the attacks, the first thing I did was let everyone be sure I was firmly against the butchering of Nigerian immigrants. I mean, without my profile picture being 'xeNOphobia', what's to stop everyone suspecting I might be in favour of burning ten-year-old Malawian children to death? What's to stop my friends and family thinking I'm an insane racist psychopath who secretly revels in the saturation of violent imagery our newsfeeds are experiencing?"

This is not the first time difficult and dark questions have been raised about young Henderson's potentially terrible political motives. According to other facebook users, they've never seen him denounce many other obviously-terrible and universally reviled hate crimes and acts of barbarism.

"Really, I don't know what Jake's deal is," said another member of his friendgroup. "To this day, I've never seen him publically condemn homophobia, racism, or the various examples of ethnic cleansing and genocide that pepper our world's history. How can I be sure he doesn't have a closet full of Nazi regalia if he doesn't let us all know using one single picture that he isn't an antisemitic dick?"

And according to machete-wielding xenophobes on the street, decisions like Henderson's can have dire consequences.

"I walked past this group of friendly, hard working, differently-accented people who live in my area and the first thing I did was check my phone to see how much public outrage there was against xenophobia," said one 21-year-old KZN dweller. "Unless this unknown person living halfway across the world lets me know that he's against the senseless slaughter of innocents, well, how can we possibly expect me not to lynch some lazy job-thieves?"

Alas, just like with those photos of emaciated Somali children, or pictures of bald-headed children, until people like Henderson do their part to stop xenophobia, it - just like world hunger, famine and cancer - will continue to ravage our world.

World taking Apocalypse news surprisingly well

Global surprise reigns this morning, after people of all ages, religions and creeds are taking the news of the imminent threat of Earth’s total and utter obliteration by a Near-Earth asteroid very well, saying that “even though we’re all doomed, it’ll also kill everything and everyone we hate.”

“When you read about the end of the world in sci-fi novels, you are met by scenes of unutterable violence and horrifying chaos,” said editor of the BBC Lyon Touhus. “But even after yesterday’s announcement that a giant, 50km-wide meteorite is burning an unstoppable path towards our planet, there has been very little unrest, simply because I, just like thousands of others like me, am glad that all those contemptible bastards I’ve met in the course of my life are coming to a fiery, painful end.”

Many thousands now freely admit that, thought the spectre of death is a frightening one indeed, “at least all those arseholes we know will die in as excruciating a way humanly possible.”

“It brings me comfort,” said one South African resident Jakes Mhlala, “Whenever I think of how terrifying the end will be, I just remind myself that Jacques Eksteen, that fucking total dickhead who called me and my family ‘a bunch of black baboons’, is going to get torn limb from limb by an inescapable wave of fire and death, finally meeting the end he so rightly deserves.”

Mhlala added that “it could be even sweeter.”

“When I get sad and blue because everyone and everything I know will be killed in a firestorm of pain and suffering, I just think of how that narrow-minded fucktard might have some kind of final-days epiphany and come crawling back for my forgiveness,” he explained. “Then, after I and the dozens of others he has mistreated in his retrogressive, sadly-not-aborted life refuse to forgive him, he goes home to his empty, loveless house, broods for a long time in the dreary silence that only the unloved can know, and slowly works up the courage to kill himself, because he's too much of a soulless, cowardly shitstain to face the end that will consume us all.”

Mhlala added that “the body would probably only discovered days later” and might even be "half-eaten by his pet dog or cat, the one thing he thought would never betray him."

“And even then, no one will give a shit. Because he was such a cunt.”

Many other people have added reasons to be happy that the world is screeching to a halt.

“Yes, all the goodness and happiness in the world will come to an abrupt and terrifying end,” said another man, “but so will everything else that makes this decades-long road of unhappiness and misery we’re dictionary-bound to call ‘life’. Just think: a world with no more crime, no more murder, no more environmental destruction. No more vapid, meaningless listicles on Buzzfeed, no more trivial bullshit like ThoughtCatalog. No more comments section or News24. This isn't hell. It's a new utopia."

Survival experts now say that for the handful of survivors this new, torn-apart world, though a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland filled with roaming cannibals and murderous radioactive freaks fighting tooth and claw over the scarce resources left on the hellhole once known as our home, it will have its good aspects.

"Sure, it'll be bad," said doomsday prepper Jake Henderson. "With nuclear winter, flesh-eating tribes of deformed subhuman savages, mass epidemics of once-extinct diseases, death, chaos and endless suffering, it won't be a picnic. But every once in a while we'll remember that Kim Kardashian is no longer something that people talk about. We'll recall there is no Twitter for misognists to send women death threats for simply airing an opinion. And we'll breathe a sigh of relief."

"And best of all," he added. "No more terrible satire."

Pic: NASA, Public domain