World taking Apocalypse news surprisingly well

Global surprise reigns this morning, after people of all ages, religions and creeds are taking the news of the imminent threat of Earth’s total and utter obliteration by a Near-Earth asteroid very well, saying that “even though we’re all doomed, it’ll also kill everything and everyone we hate.”

“When you read about the end of the world in sci-fi novels, you are met by scenes of unutterable violence and horrifying chaos,” said editor of the BBC Lyon Touhus. “But even after yesterday’s announcement that a giant, 50km-wide meteorite is burning an unstoppable path towards our planet, there has been very little unrest, simply because I, just like thousands of others like me, am glad that all those contemptible bastards I’ve met in the course of my life are coming to a fiery, painful end.”

Many thousands now freely admit that, thought the spectre of death is a frightening one indeed, “at least all those arseholes we know will die in as excruciating a way humanly possible.”

“It brings me comfort,” said one South African resident Jakes Mhlala, “Whenever I think of how terrifying the end will be, I just remind myself that Jacques Eksteen, that fucking total dickhead who called me and my family ‘a bunch of black baboons’, is going to get torn limb from limb by an inescapable wave of fire and death, finally meeting the end he so rightly deserves.”

Mhlala added that “it could be even sweeter.”

“When I get sad and blue because everyone and everything I know will be killed in a firestorm of pain and suffering, I just think of how that narrow-minded fucktard might have some kind of final-days epiphany and come crawling back for my forgiveness,” he explained. “Then, after I and the dozens of others he has mistreated in his retrogressive, sadly-not-aborted life refuse to forgive him, he goes home to his empty, loveless house, broods for a long time in the dreary silence that only the unloved can know, and slowly works up the courage to kill himself, because he's too much of a soulless, cowardly shitstain to face the end that will consume us all.”

Mhlala added that “the body would probably only discovered days later” and might even be "half-eaten by his pet dog or cat, the one thing he thought would never betray him."

“And even then, no one will give a shit. Because he was such a cunt.”

Many other people have added reasons to be happy that the world is screeching to a halt.

“Yes, all the goodness and happiness in the world will come to an abrupt and terrifying end,” said another man, “but so will everything else that makes this decades-long road of unhappiness and misery we’re dictionary-bound to call ‘life’. Just think: a world with no more crime, no more murder, no more environmental destruction. No more vapid, meaningless listicles on Buzzfeed, no more trivial bullshit like ThoughtCatalog. No more comments section or News24. This isn't hell. It's a new utopia."

Survival experts now say that for the handful of survivors this new, torn-apart world, though a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland filled with roaming cannibals and murderous radioactive freaks fighting tooth and claw over the scarce resources left on the hellhole once known as our home, it will have its good aspects.

"Sure, it'll be bad," said doomsday prepper Jake Henderson. "With nuclear winter, flesh-eating tribes of deformed subhuman savages, mass epidemics of once-extinct diseases, death, chaos and endless suffering, it won't be a picnic. But every once in a while we'll remember that Kim Kardashian is no longer something that people talk about. We'll recall there is no Twitter for misognists to send women death threats for simply airing an opinion. And we'll breathe a sigh of relief."

"And best of all," he added. "No more terrible satire."

Pic: NASA, Public domain

Humankind increasingly surprised it’s made it this far

Looking back on its violent and retrogressive history of war, famine, ethnic cleansing, racial intolerance, invention of nuclear weaponry and dangerous disregard for the conservation of the planet and its biosphere, human beings across the world today expressed their growing incredulity that any of them were still around.

“I’m just gobsmacked,” said Earth resident and contributor to the slow decline to total self-extinction of our own species Kaiser Malemu. “That we’ve made it this far, despite our best efforts to not make it even close to this far, is just an incredible testament to our cockroach-esque tenacity and ability to survive against all odds.”

“I totally agree,” said unconvicted warlord and general of a rebel execution squad during the Rwandan genocides Sergeant Mance Lauter. “I mean, look at everything that’s led up to right now. Even a poor gambler would have chosen to bet against us, and yet here we are.”

Lauter now lives and works in Liberia, Uganda, and war-torn sub-Saharan Africa, where he runs an orphanage for homeless and destitute children, teaching them vital skills like combat proficiency, how to outflank a dug-in group of United Nations Peace Keeping forces and Grenade Skills 101. “Right now my charity is a grassroots campaign,” he said humbly. “You have to catch them early at a young age to really make a difference in their lives.”

In light of the global proclamation of surprise and awe, Oil companies, illegal logging corporations and industrial plant giants, as well as the thousands of hardworking men and women in the financial and economic spheres who keep global wealth disparities under strict minimum standards, said they would redouble their efforts to devastate our little corner of life in the Solar System.

Free oil, complete with complementary BP Secret Sauce marinated sea bird
braai packs, will be given away on beaches across the globe.

“We’ve already planned massive free oil giveaway bonazas along many thousands of kilometres of untouched, pristine coastline,” said BP executive officer Cru Doyle, “and our child-labour-intensive, minimum-wage-and-Health-and-Safety-Regulation-violating factories in India have begun producing bleach just for the sole purpose of dumping into rivers and oceans. We’ve got this.”

Already reports suggest that these efforts are paying off, with conservative estimates putting Earth as a radioactive, desolate and polluted lifeless hellhole –also known as a ‘Zimbabwe’ - by as early as 2018.

“We’ve all got to do our bit,” said Doyle. “Even if that means doing something as simple and effective as leaving your lights on all day, flushing unnecessarily, or stamping on cute, big-eyed forest critters.”

Plan to destroy planet "well ahead of schedule"

pic: wikimedia commons

Bankers, Republicans and users of inefficient wall heaters and canned hairspray are reportedly rejoicing after a recent study has shown that the worldwide plan to utterly eradicate all life on planet Earth is "far, far ahead of schedule."

The study by the Harvard Review of Planetoid Desolation reported yesterday that, with current global levels of effort into destroying our planet, the original 1890 plan is many, many years ahead of schedule.

"We've had a massive legacy laid down for us, with people like Thomas Midgely, Jr and his bold and creative new methods for natural destruction, and so the bar has been set really high," said head of the Harvard research team and guy who leaves his geyser on all day Eric Schmidt. "With his CFCs and Lead Tetrethyl, he paved the first step, but with our modern deforestation methods and massive mining ingenuity, we're one step closer to achieving our goals."

The plan to destroy the planet was first proposed in 1865, when industrialist and businessman John Myers took a walk in a local park.

pic: natgeo animals

"'Tis a wretched thing, this nature," his now-famous autobiography reads, "I didst just find a spider, a vicious, fanged, disgusting hairy jumpy bastard with ugly grey beady eyes. A bird didst defecate right betwixt my shoulderblades. His grandchildren will pay for that."

After that seminal walk, Myers dedicated his life to scientific research into the problem of a wild planet full of bugs and creatures. His early studies were crucial in showing how dangerous many naturally occurring chemicals are.

"Ozone in high levels has been shown to be poisonous to human beings," read one of his most startling early papers, Natures Ugliness. "Meanwhile, other chemicals such as the noxious and corrosive Di-hydrogen Oxide have been shown to be pandemic cesspits of death, especially in places such as Grahamstown, where it causes irreparable yearly damage despite its low daily prevalence in the area."

Early estimates in the 90's said that the planet would only be eradicated of all life by 2050, but the new Harvard report has shown that our massively industrialized society and global population explosions have cut that time by at least 25 years.

"Even if we discount the advances made between the years of 1914 and 1918 and 1939 and 1945, we're still far ahead of schedule," said Schmidt.

The report, which cites Bleach, CFCs, DDT, industrial toxins, mass deforestation, and the systematic genocide of anything with wings or fur as some of the most crucial modern steps in this program, now estimates that by latest 2025, we won't have to worry any more about whales or birds or snakes. Eugh. Snakes.

"Where we've really stepped up our game is the ocean," said global annihilation analyst and proud Hummer owner Oyelle Spils. "Ever since the great plan to dump large quantities of toxic and radioactive waste into it - not to mention all those nuclear tests in the 60s and 70s - we're moving faster than ever to achieve our goal of utter oceanic obliteration."

Leading scientists have since been quick to heap praise on the various peoples of the world, in particular the Chinese.

"We really could not have done it without them," said Spils. "They are the real visionaries here. They sacrifice long hours and suffer illness, poverty and constant oppression just to get their bit done, often under the harshest living and working conditions. They're an inspiration to the rest of us, opening so many new coal-burning power plants every month."

However, many scientists have also expressed concern over a growing rebellion to the cause, namely so-called "vegetarians" and "environmentalists".

"If these tree-hugging arseholes have their way, they'll deny our children the future they so rightly deserve," said Spils. "Do you want your kids growing up in trees and poison ivy and mosquitoes and crocodiles, or in a safe, warm, barren wasteland of endless sand and desolation where you can see dangerous animals coming from miles around?"

In spite of this, experts say they are not worried about these possible obstacles to making the new expected completion date.

"If push comes to shove, we'll just 'accidentally' launch a few nukes at a nuclear-capable, war-loving, fanatic and unstable rising world power," said head of the American program Hopen Fyre. "The ensuing nuclear winter should undo all the serious damage and obstacles these Pruis-driving, eco-friendly, organic-produce-eating motherfuckers have done.

Muse and Abuse would like to remind all its readers to leave their lights on tonight. Every minute is a polar bear that will never again endanger your children.

Global shortages could destroy Valentine’s

Massive shortages of many of the traditional gifts exchanged on Valentine’s Day have swept across the world, sending many would-be wooers into frenzies of anxiety.

“I can’t buy roses, chocolate, champagne, lingerie or crappily-made, vomit-inducing slogan-wearing teddy bears – how will I ever show my date that I truly care about her?” said an enraged lover, Givemore M.T Jestures.

Since the days of the Classical Greek Period, Valentine’s Day has been celebrated with cheap roses and tacky, too-expensive gifts. With this strong tradition rocked to its core, many are expressing concerns over whether the day will work at all.

“In the earliest of Greek mythological texts, Cupid is portrayed as having a magical bow and arrow that he used to make famous romantic figures fall in love. However, a new text unearthed and translated by the Woolworth’s Ancient Text Translation Division has shown that it was the fluffy cotton puppy (R895) and matching his-hers red heart-covered towels (R12 560) that sealed the deal,” said historian and sales rep Dusty Toams.

With gifts like these unavailable, statisticians across the world have predicted a 100000% rise in the divorce rate

Thousands of woman across the globe are expressing concerns that these shortages will affect the purity of this traditional day of romance.

“Up until yesterday, when Woolworth’s still had fluffy hearts and overpriced chocolates in small, red, heart-shaped tins, I was certain that my husband loved me deeply,” said one wife. “Now that there’s nothing to get tomorrow morning, how can I be sure that he still does?”

Many of the Valentine’s celebrators are steeling themselves for the day, preparing for the worst.

“I’ve already called my lawyer and had the divorce papers pre-signed and waiting in a DHL RushXpress box,” tells 28-year-old Janice Koldhaart. “I haven’t been able to get my husband anything yet – I just know he has divorce papers of his own squirreled away somewhere.”

However, international suppliers of sweat-shop handmade fluffy toys and unfair child labour intensively-produced red roses have issued statements saying that contingencies are falling into place and that customers should not be worried.

“We’re working as hard as we can to right the wrongs and end these severe shortages. We care very deeply about our customers, and would hate to inconvenience them,” said spokesperson for international rose supplier C&K Jones. “Also, if this day doesn’t happen, we’ll lose millions.”

Customers have reacted to this news with savage relief.

“I don’t know what I’d have done,” said 22-year-old student James Mooney. “Imagine if I’d had to do something… dare I say the word… meaningful? Eugh!”