Endangered seabirds still best way to clean up oil spills

The argument over whether artificial and chemical methods of cleaning up large oil spills are any good was put to paid today, after a scientific study reaffirmed that seabirds are still the reigning method for quick and efficient mop-up operations.

According Shelby Pee, head researcher for the Institute of Environmental Affairs, “seagulls, albatrosses, penguins and gannets [as well as] a variety of lesser coastal bird species” still outweigh chemical dissipation agents, biological remediants and other ingenuous solutions when it comes to soaking up millions of gallons of oil.

“Really, when we look at the incomparable oil-absorptive qualities of feathers – especially those of fluffy cheeping fledglings – and the even distribution of these living oil rags across the areas affected, our modern methods are just sorely lacking,” he said. “Bird feathers are 100% natural and have no toxic additives in them. They’re 100% biodegradable and naturally sourced, and – if you take internal avian pouches into consideration, such as lungs, the gullet and eyes – they can hold up to four times their weight in oil.”

And that’s not all, he explained.

“Best of all, they come with built-in saturation indicators – when it’s still moving and making small squawking noises, you know it can still wipe up a considerable amount of crude. This struggling, writhing motion is actually perfect for surface area coverage, grabbing as much oil as possible. And as soon as it stops moving, you know it’s reached maximum saturation – after that, it’s as simple as picking up the used avian oil receptacle and tossing it in a bin bag.”

Pee said that, even with close competition by the ultra-absorptive fur of baby seals and polar bears, seabirds were still the best method by far.

“Yes, the much-larger endangered bears can clean up quite a bit of oil, but even with other close natural contenders for the title of Best Cleaning Solution – such as the large-surface-area, super absorptive miles of pristine, white-sand coastline, or fragile, expansive wild marshlands – it’s not even close.”

“When it comes to oil spills, cleaning it up really is for the birds.”

Humankind increasingly surprised it’s made it this far

Looking back on its violent and retrogressive history of war, famine, ethnic cleansing, racial intolerance, invention of nuclear weaponry and dangerous disregard for the conservation of the planet and its biosphere, human beings across the world today expressed their growing incredulity that any of them were still around.

“I’m just gobsmacked,” said Earth resident and contributor to the slow decline to total self-extinction of our own species Kaiser Malemu. “That we’ve made it this far, despite our best efforts to not make it even close to this far, is just an incredible testament to our cockroach-esque tenacity and ability to survive against all odds.”

“I totally agree,” said unconvicted warlord and general of a rebel execution squad during the Rwandan genocides Sergeant Mance Lauter. “I mean, look at everything that’s led up to right now. Even a poor gambler would have chosen to bet against us, and yet here we are.”

Lauter now lives and works in Liberia, Uganda, and war-torn sub-Saharan Africa, where he runs an orphanage for homeless and destitute children, teaching them vital skills like combat proficiency, how to outflank a dug-in group of United Nations Peace Keeping forces and Grenade Skills 101. “Right now my charity is a grassroots campaign,” he said humbly. “You have to catch them early at a young age to really make a difference in their lives.”

In light of the global proclamation of surprise and awe, Oil companies, illegal logging corporations and industrial plant giants, as well as the thousands of hardworking men and women in the financial and economic spheres who keep global wealth disparities under strict minimum standards, said they would redouble their efforts to devastate our little corner of life in the Solar System.

Free oil, complete with complementary BP Secret Sauce marinated sea bird
braai packs, will be given away on beaches across the globe.

“We’ve already planned massive free oil giveaway bonazas along many thousands of kilometres of untouched, pristine coastline,” said BP executive officer Cru Doyle, “and our child-labour-intensive, minimum-wage-and-Health-and-Safety-Regulation-violating factories in India have begun producing bleach just for the sole purpose of dumping into rivers and oceans. We’ve got this.”

Already reports suggest that these efforts are paying off, with conservative estimates putting Earth as a radioactive, desolate and polluted lifeless hellhole –also known as a ‘Zimbabwe’ - by as early as 2018.

“We’ve all got to do our bit,” said Doyle. “Even if that means doing something as simple and effective as leaving your lights on all day, flushing unnecessarily, or stamping on cute, big-eyed forest critters.”