Endangered seabirds still best way to clean up oil spills

The argument over whether artificial and chemical methods of cleaning up large oil spills are any good was put to paid today, after a scientific study reaffirmed that seabirds are still the reigning method for quick and efficient mop-up operations.

According Shelby Pee, head researcher for the Institute of Environmental Affairs, “seagulls, albatrosses, penguins and gannets [as well as] a variety of lesser coastal bird species” still outweigh chemical dissipation agents, biological remediants and other ingenuous solutions when it comes to soaking up millions of gallons of oil.

“Really, when we look at the incomparable oil-absorptive qualities of feathers – especially those of fluffy cheeping fledglings – and the even distribution of these living oil rags across the areas affected, our modern methods are just sorely lacking,” he said. “Bird feathers are 100% natural and have no toxic additives in them. They’re 100% biodegradable and naturally sourced, and – if you take internal avian pouches into consideration, such as lungs, the gullet and eyes – they can hold up to four times their weight in oil.”

And that’s not all, he explained.

“Best of all, they come with built-in saturation indicators – when it’s still moving and making small squawking noises, you know it can still wipe up a considerable amount of crude. This struggling, writhing motion is actually perfect for surface area coverage, grabbing as much oil as possible. And as soon as it stops moving, you know it’s reached maximum saturation – after that, it’s as simple as picking up the used avian oil receptacle and tossing it in a bin bag.”

Pee said that, even with close competition by the ultra-absorptive fur of baby seals and polar bears, seabirds were still the best method by far.

“Yes, the much-larger endangered bears can clean up quite a bit of oil, but even with other close natural contenders for the title of Best Cleaning Solution – such as the large-surface-area, super absorptive miles of pristine, white-sand coastline, or fragile, expansive wild marshlands – it’s not even close.”

“When it comes to oil spills, cleaning it up really is for the birds.”

China wins most beautiful sunset award

Years of hard work and extensive investment in large power plants and industrial centres have finally paid off today, after China finally cinched the international award for World’s Best Sunsets.

In a large and mandatory-attendance address given by President Xi Jinping of the People’s Republic of China, the country humbly accepted the award, paying homage to the “thousands of hours and lives” that had gone into the decades- long project.

“It’s been a long, hard journey,” said the president, a tear (that had nothing to do with the high levels of industrial smog in the air) in his eye. “It’s cost us millions of dollars, but it’s all been worth it. I think you and your one child can agree, the sacrifice has finally paid off.”

International awards committees were unanimous in their praise for the magnificent achievement, saying that, in terms of sunsets , there was just no competition.

“It’s utterly breathtaking,” said one reviewer on the awards selection committee panel, “and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Best of all, the sunset starts at about 3pm. The improvements to God’s canvas of light have been stunning – the dense layer of dust and smoke that gives the sun its characteristic beautiful auburn glow starts almost directly overhead, making for magnificent viewing at any moment of the day. Thanks to their ceaseless efforts, there aren’t even any natural obstacles, like trees or low-flying birds, to spoil the view.”

China’s tourism industry has long boasted their twilight spectacle, which is the world’s first ever scented sunset.

“With a robust – and some might say powerfully aromatic – odour, our sunset’s metallic and chemical overtones, which are complemented by a smoky, ashy finish that lingers on the palate, are perfectly representative of the sweet, sweet smell of human and industrial progress.”

The achievement has its controversies too, however, with economists and financial experts constantly debating the issue.

“It might be the world’s most beautiful sunset,” said financial analyst Paul Fiscal, “but it’s also one of the most expensive. Many don’t know this, but China has to keep nearly four-hundred coal-fired power plants running at overcapacity every day just to keep their oranges and golds that vibrant and luminous. This is above and beyond the millions of cars and busses that fill the streets. In today’s competitive market – especially with the fact that the world’s natural weather system naturally spreads our Sunset Beautifying Agents, like Sulphur Dioxide and Heavy Metal compounds, to other countries, China is going to have to step up their game if it wants to stay competitive in a world that is slowly but surely seeing these incredible sunsets becoming more and more commonplace.”

China, however, has taken this challenge confidently.

“Even if countries are stepping up their game and ignoring the Kyoto agreement – even if they triple their Sunset Development Programs – we are confident that China will be the world leader in beautiful sunsets until the end of the world,” said Minister of Natural Development Pol Hu-shun. “Which should be for about seven years or so.”

Pics (modified): Tyvek suits from Jarek Tuszynski, Sunset from PLJ, and nuclear waste from Christian Fischer.