ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

China wins most beautiful sunset award

Years of hard work and extensive investment in large power plants and industrial centres have finally paid off today, after China finally cinched the international award for World’s Best Sunsets.

In a large and mandatory-attendance address given by President Xi Jinping of the People’s Republic of China, the country humbly accepted the award, paying homage to the “thousands of hours and lives” that had gone into the decades- long project.

“It’s been a long, hard journey,” said the president, a tear (that had nothing to do with the high levels of industrial smog in the air) in his eye. “It’s cost us millions of dollars, but it’s all been worth it. I think you and your one child can agree, the sacrifice has finally paid off.”

International awards committees were unanimous in their praise for the magnificent achievement, saying that, in terms of sunsets , there was just no competition.

“It’s utterly breathtaking,” said one reviewer on the awards selection committee panel, “and I mean that both literally and figuratively. Best of all, the sunset starts at about 3pm. The improvements to God’s canvas of light have been stunning – the dense layer of dust and smoke that gives the sun its characteristic beautiful auburn glow starts almost directly overhead, making for magnificent viewing at any moment of the day. Thanks to their ceaseless efforts, there aren’t even any natural obstacles, like trees or low-flying birds, to spoil the view.”

China’s tourism industry has long boasted their twilight spectacle, which is the world’s first ever scented sunset.

“With a robust – and some might say powerfully aromatic – odour, our sunset’s metallic and chemical overtones, which are complemented by a smoky, ashy finish that lingers on the palate, are perfectly representative of the sweet, sweet smell of human and industrial progress.”

The achievement has its controversies too, however, with economists and financial experts constantly debating the issue.

“It might be the world’s most beautiful sunset,” said financial analyst Paul Fiscal, “but it’s also one of the most expensive. Many don’t know this, but China has to keep nearly four-hundred coal-fired power plants running at overcapacity every day just to keep their oranges and golds that vibrant and luminous. This is above and beyond the millions of cars and busses that fill the streets. In today’s competitive market – especially with the fact that the world’s natural weather system naturally spreads our Sunset Beautifying Agents, like Sulphur Dioxide and Heavy Metal compounds, to other countries, China is going to have to step up their game if it wants to stay competitive in a world that is slowly but surely seeing these incredible sunsets becoming more and more commonplace.”

China, however, has taken this challenge confidently.

“Even if countries are stepping up their game and ignoring the Kyoto agreement – even if they triple their Sunset Development Programs – we are confident that China will be the world leader in beautiful sunsets until the end of the world,” said Minister of Natural Development Pol Hu-shun. “Which should be for about seven years or so.”

Pics (modified): Tyvek suits from Jarek Tuszynski, Sunset from PLJ, and nuclear waste from Christian Fischer.

Nkandla homestead debate heats up

The compound palace itself. 

The battle over the controversial presidential compound palace being build in Jacob Zuma's hometown of Nkandla has become more heated than ever, with political parties butting heads over the now R247 million project.

According to reports by the media, almost a quarter of a billion rand has been spent by the South African government on this private home. A breakdown of spending on the Nkandla compound, which forms part of the public works department's prestige portfolio, includes R121m to builders, R2.4m for bulletproof glass, R9.2m for a fence, a payment of R1.9m to a leading international elevator company and R23m for “emergency work”.
The average South African household income is R14 000.

The starting budget for the project was originally set at R23 million, a figure that government sources have decried as "far too low". "I looked at the plans and immediately thought, 'it needs more imported Belgian chocolate fountains hand-crafted from pure gold'," said Head Architect for the Nkandla Project, Bill Din-Holmes. 

Despite massive outcry at the projected costs, Din-Holmes has been adamant that the project was necessary. "Sure, with 250 million we could have build 28 Taj Mahals or about 4545-and-a-half RDP houses, but that would have meant that Zuma would have had to live in normal house, like that shoddy three-and-a-half-million Rand thing that Mbeki has to live in. Sies," he said.
When asked why the complex costs so much, Head of Construction John Turner-Blyndye explained that it all had to do with the building materials.

"For this house, we've had to take each individual South African's dreams, mix it with their hard work and hope, and then pour this concoction onto our foundations, which are made from pure Corruptium, a very common but expensive South African metal. The bricks are a special homemade kind made by Rytwing-Para Noya Industries, and we're using paint brewed from the National Keypoints Act. It's a time-consuming process," he said.

Corruptium is an extremely dense and stable metal found in all parts of South Africa. 

Din-Holmes also let on that R2 million had been put towards a hand-crafted, specially designed shower flown in all the way from Sweden. 

"Called the Zumanator3000, it has over 28 high-power nozzles. I'm told it's like standing in the middle of a hot, pleasant Hurricane Sandy," he said.He also stressed that the above-listed additions were as necessary. 
"You can't have this house without bulletproof glass, fence, helipad, or underground bunker with an elevator. I mean, most people don't have houses, but Mr Zuma isn't most people, is he?"
However, these 'extra' security measures have been brought into question.
"I mean, he's the president. He could have at least gotten some landmines or tanks. Isn't arms procurement his thing?" said security expert Batabaya Gunn.

The Nkandla complex is relatively affordable, and it would only take the average South African 17 857 years to get his own palatial expanse. 

Years of preparation

"We've been putting aside money for a long time to get this project finally started," said Project Manager Havno Moraals excitedly. "We've had to make some real sacrifices, like education and social welfare, and we've cut back on needless frivolities, like Public healthcare to make this work. It's been a massive struggle, and this monument represents that."

In terms of an instruction approved by Cabinet in June 2003 and included in the ministerial handbook, the department can spend R100 000 on security improvements at the private houses of public officials. Any costs above that must be covered by the official. To date all but 10 million rands of the cost of the project have been paid for by the state.
However, Minister of Treasury, Johnathan M.T Pohkits, has said that this misconception was the result of a typo. "You're reading it wrong. We're in the process of releasing a revised booklet that puts the decimal point in the correct place, approximately 4 decimal places to the right. This booklet will be declared a national secret, and anyone who has it but us will, of course, go to jail."

"They should be glad," said Head of the Nkandla PR team, Talya Tales. 
"Usually we try as much as possible to not spend any of our money, but here we spent over R10 million. How can people complain about that? Besides, if you consider our track record, 250 mill is just coppers."

Once completed, the massive complex will be viewable from space

The project is chiefly financed by the public works department with the last payment reportedly taking place days before Zuma called for financial caution in light of current economic conditions – along with a pay freeze for senior public and private sector executives.

"We simply can't waste any precious public funds or taxpayer's rands on public workers' wages, especially with the price of diamond-studded 24-carat gold toilet seats where they are now," he said in a speech at the House of Finance.

The region of Nkandla encompasses nearly 160,000 inhabitants, spread relatively sparsely over a large area. Poverty is prevalent, with over 90% unemployment. It has the highest rate of HIV infections with statistics stating 1 in 4, but it is closer to 1 in 3. There are also many orphans due to the AIDS epidemic killing many middle-aged parents. Nkandla is mainly a rural area and is on the top five of the poorest places in KZN. 

However, Head of the Planning committee for the development, Gareth Ontgin, said that this makes it the ideal location.

"We'll be bringing in at least 200 jobs. After all, someone needs to cook, clean, garden and serve as security guards for the walled residence and considerably extensive family living there," he said. "Also, with such a nice place on the hill, there's no way anyone will think it's one of the poorest places in South Africa."

Artist's depiction of an unused storage shed at Nkandla 

Tribal Land Trust

The huge sprawling luxury complex currently rests on communal land owned by the Ingonyama Trust and is about 24km south of Nkandla town centre - land that the government has leased.

"The land there is precious, sacred, priceless tribal land. That's why we're leasing it for R1000 a year," said Ontgin. "This is the standard amount paid by the Department of Public Works. Well, we call it public, but that doesn't mean just anyone can go there. Especially not pesky opposition leaders," he said, alluding to the Democratic Alliance's march to Nkandla last week.

When asked if Zuma would be paying for this, Ontgin scoffed. "Flip, boet, haven't you been vokken reading the newspapers? Of course not."

Political battles break out

In an attempt to look into the developments at Nkandla, leaders from the Democratic Alliance attempted a march into the complex, where they were blocked by a crowd of nearly a thousand people.

"Look at how many people there were blocking her. Clearly the the squalor-dwellers here want a multimillion-rand palace on the hill," said protester Mdlala Pickett.

He also explained the need for so large a crowd. "We needed to react strongly. There were nearly 6 of them marching to Nkandla. We had to call in nearly 200 people from the ANC. Jassis, but Zille is scary when she's cross."Madala and others were quick to criticise the DA's spending money to see Nkandla. 

"It's a giant waste of money," he said. "They spent almost R2000 getting here. That's a clear abuse of funds."

When violence threatened, over 100 riot police and police officers were brought in with several armoured Nyala personnel carriers, two trucks with water canons, and a helicopter in the area. After a full day of being on high alert, the police managed not to shoot any innocents in the area. "It's been a surprising day indeed," said Chief of Police, Sergeant-Major Kho Verup. "We thought something would happen, and then we'd have to tamper with critical evidence. Again."

Head spokesperson for the ANC, Lapdogg Mxwele, agreed that the DA's move was wrong.

"We don't even know why they are trying to question Nkandla. It falls under the National Keypoints Act. Well, it almost falls under the act, but still. And yeah, sure, it's height-of-apartheid legislature, but damn, is it SO useful."

Outcry at the Democratic Alliance

"They are simply being like puppies barking at the moon. The values of Ubuntu cannot be sacrificed at the altar of political expediency on the back of what is clearly a racist and right wing agenda," said SACP spokesperson Malesela Maleka in a statement that has been backed by Chief of Protest, Charl Tinloudly. 

"We explicitly honour diversity in age, culture, ethnicity, gender identity or expression, language, national origin, political beliefs, profession, race, religion, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, subculture and technical ability. Introducing an extremely wealthy man into a poor society perfectly encompasses the spirit of diversity," said Tinloudly.

Maleka said the visit threatened the country's reconciliation between races, calling the move "racist, insensitive and extremely provocative".

The DA's racist march to Nkandla was led by almost three white people. 

Online criticism has been as harsh. Sitha Gqomfa, Leader SA Students' Congress at the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University tweeted on Saturday: "DA mischievous to visit Nkandla they will die KZN akudlawa pha [we are not playing] and they must die like cockroaches!!!"

He has NOT since apologised profusely. "I apologise for my what I said," he didn't say, ever.  "What I mean to say was "you must die slowly like right-wing, racist cockroaches," he said. 
The KZN branch of SASCO was quick to comment on this tweet, which has been called racist by some of the racists in the DA.

"                                                                                           ," they said.
In defence of Nkandla

However, many say that the president is deserving of this new palace, saying that he has been a shining example to not just the people of South Africa, but to many other figures in government. 

"Of the 535 MPs, 29 have been found guilty of domestic violence, 7 have been arrested for fraud, 19 have been accused of bouncing fraudulent cheques, 117 have been involved in at least two businesses that have gone bankrupt, 71 cannot obtain a credit card because of their bad credit ratings, 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges, 8 have been arrested for shoplifting, and 84 have been arrested for drunken driving. Zuma is basically a saint, and he deserves a reward," said Minister of Nothing Really, Just In Government Because His Brother Got Him The Job, And It's Not Bad, Actually, Especially The Ministerial Allowances, John Forsythe.

Many African leaders, too, have given their wholehearted support.

"It's a very nice place, but I'd suggest that he gets a runway, too, and a private collection of cars," said ex-President of the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mobutu Sese Seko.

Another, President of Equitorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo, was similarly supportive. "Mad respect, J-Z. And it only took you one term to do it, too. I've been in power since '71, and only now is my bank account filled with my people's money," he said.

President Robert Mugabe was equally pleased.

"I just hope that I can get some spare time from my busy schedule promoting peace, love, and cross-political understanding in Zim to visit my best friend. He's been so good to me these past few years, and so I'd love to kick it back in his new crib sometime," he said.

"Shame," said local businessman Jim Edwards. "His face isn't even on a single South African bank note. Let him have his mansion of sadness to wallow in. Besides, which do you really want: R250 million, or another 4 years with he-who-shall-not-be-defamed-(for-fear-of-court-action)?"

In an interview, Jacob Zuma gave a statement to would-be protesters to his new palatial gigantic sprawling mansion of ultimate luxury house. "I'd just like to thank the public again for all their hard work. I want to assure citizens that if they work hard and tirelessly, save up their money, and keep struggling for bigger, better things, I'll live in an bigger house next year."

When asked whether he was concerned about potential judicial or parliamentary scrutiny, he roared with laughter, and had to take a minute to compose himself.

"This is why we have a 66% majority," he eventually said. "So that we can democratically tell you to go and democratically fuck yourselves."