ANC unveils bold new “Get Something Right” plan

Following widespread criticism and condemnation of their style of governance and vision for South Africa, the ANC has today issued a powerful economic and political campaign, entitled the Just Get Something Right Development Program.

The bold program, which is aimed at supplementing the National Development plan by adding an element of realism to it, was tailor-made and hand-crafted to be “a lot more feasible than what we had before” by adding “statistically possible goals that could potentially be fulfilled before the ten-year deadline.”

“We know that South Africa feels ignored,” explained ANC spokesperson Jakob Mahala. “Even if South Africa isn't totally doomed yet, we know our people are worried and frustrated at where all this is going. So what better way to restore public confidence in our leadership and abilities than by Actually Doing Something Good For a Change?”

However, according to Mahala, this is just the beginning: this program is only one part of a more complex system of development plans, such as the “Pay Back The Money” plan, and the “Try not to call Anyone Cockroaches or Make Racist Statements in Public” Plan.

“We as the ANC have taken a bold new strategy and turn from our old ways – by simply having some sort of foresight and planning with regards to the future of our land,” he explained. “I think when we look back at the energy crisis, the education crisis, the service delivery crisis, the Nkandla crisis; so much could have been prevented if we’d just fucking given half a thought to where this was all headed. Hell, I could name more crises, but we’d be here all day.”

However, all these miniplans paled in comparison with their ultimate developmental campaign promise: the controversial and never-before-seen "Jesus, just do your goddamn job" plan.

"I have a feeling these National Development Projects will be well received by the public," said Mahala. "I think where we went so wrong before was how we were naively optimistic and yet utterly clueless as to what was going on. I think that now - now that we've embraced the simple truth of our total ineptitude and utter disrespect for not just the principals of common law, but also the fundamental ideals of our Constitution; now that we're sharing the brutal honestly and brusque skepticism of many South Africans - we can say 'guys, we promise, that in under a decade, we'll do something that wont' make you, not just as South African citizens but as human beings on planet Earth, feel immensely ashamed and disappointed.'"

This move is set to shake up the scene in the long road to the next general elections - however, at this stage, it's still too early to say how things will go. With Agang hinting at their own "actually do something" plan and the leaked documents outlining an imminent move by the Democratic Alliance to "stop being so goddamn butthurt all the time", there's no way of telling which party South Africans will hate the least come 2016.

Why this white South African is voting ANC

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen explains his controversial political decision – and argues why everyone should vote the green, gold and black.

The ANC is evil and filled with money-hungry pricks who don’t give even the most basic shit about the poor or disenfranchised people of our country – a country they have slowly but surely betrayed on a fundamental level.

Or at least that’s what the corrupt “news” media wants you to think.

So, South Africa, I think it’s about time we had a serious discussion about politics and why these lies are standing in the way of turning our country into a developed, prosperous nation.

But Johan, you’re white? How can you vote ANC?

Confession time: I’ve voted DA all my life. Ever since I was just a kid standing in front of the ballot box trying to decide whether to tick ANC to piss off my parents or tick DA because I’m white and it’s expected of me, I’ve never chosen the wagon-wheel and spear-flag.

Until now.

Now, you might call me a uncritical, blind fucktard who is actively supporting the death and destruction of our nation and lending my support to a system of widespread corruption and nepotistic cronyism, and so on and so forth, but give me a moment to explain why this is important.

You know, I used to be just like you. I used to comment on News24 articles about how disgraceful the state of our country is. I used to tell all the okes at my braai on Sunday exactly what was wrong with this blerrie country. I used to make clever puns about “cANCer”.

But then I did my research – and what I found truly shocked me.

Firstly, the ANC is a party that truly cares about the economy. Since Zuma took power, he alone spent half a billion rand on infrastructure development to the country. And that was on just one house - imagine a South Africa where every man and woman in positions of power is flooding the economy with employment and raising the GDP through similar construction projects?

Also, the import of once “luxury items” into South Africa is becoming commonplace. Once upon a time, BMWs were reserved for the elitest of the elite – no longer. Expensive goods like Chivas, gold watches, Blue Label and Mercedes Benz S Classes are almost mundane now. Lots of people talk about debt and unemployment – but in a future where everyone and their brother has an expensive car, how can debt exist?

I’m a true natural-born Afrikaaner. I love the bush. I love Mother Nature and the wild. Under the ANC and thanks to Eskom, long-forgotten and obsolete sciences like astronomy will return to the forefront. South Africa will be a shining beacon in the star-gazing community. Or rather, it won’t be a shining beacon, which is even better. And just like with Zimbabwe and the tireless, ceaseless efforts of the ZANU-PF, South Africa, too, is seeing a slow return to a Golden Era of Pastoral Values.

Growing up in the Transvaal, I hated school. Today, my kids are carrying on that fine family tradition. And who is supporting my family values and personal beliefs and culture? The ANC. Who else could make school less boring by taking away boring things like teachers’ salaries and textbooks, and yet still suffer no negative effects in our National Matric Pass Rate? If anything, we’re passing more and more students – and this is despite the ‘media’ saying schools have gone to the dogs.

And we’re seeing the benefits of this even now. For example, I think we can all agree that’s we’re sick of okes who blame apartheid for everything. Now, this might make my political choice seem paradoxical (Zuma blamed Eskom on apartheid)– but ask yourself: who is helping us to get over and finally forget apartheid? The DA, who always talk about the role they played in it, or the ANC, who is making sure that our children don’t have the schools, paid teachers or history books to learn that apartheid ever happened and constantly obsess over it?

We as South Africans have a history of foreign meddling and imperialist forces trying to force their way of life on us. One of the many ugly examples of this is in alternative medicine. Parties like the DA (and sadly, even early ANC leaders – thankfully a distant memory!) blindly support western “scientific” medical charlatanry, which so arrogantly sneers at traditional and alternative treatments.

A western-centric hegemony on vital medicines and alternative treatments is stopping people getting access to proven cures like that super cure-all beetroot or the world-famous panacea, garlic. It’s a shame that Thabo Mbeki’s legacy didn’t do more to discourage people’s trust in imperialist quackery. How many thousands of now-dead AIDS patients would still be alive today if they hadn’t been misguided into taking expensive pills that the state was wasting our hard-earned tax rands on? The thought of this makes me feel so sick that I have to take an extra -strength, 1-part-per-100-million homeopathic tincture just to keep writing this article.

Another fitting nail in the coffin of the idea that the ANC is a bad party is the simple fact that they want true racial equality in South Africa. The ANC – unlike the liars and thieves in other parties – want us to all be equal.

Once upon a time, shoddy public services, water and electricity cuts and bad social services were solely reserved for an oppressed black minority. By making sure that these things no longer just affect a disenfranchised minority in smaller areas in the outskirts of urban zones, the ANC is introducing true egalitarian society filled with empathy and equality.

Once upon a time it used to be white racist police killing black people who were merely standing up for their basic human rights. Those days are over. Now we have people of all colour in the police killing black people who stand up for their basic rights.

Hell, it used to be only white leaders who introduced oppressive laws trying to curtail freedom of speech and give free reign and no accountability to police. But now we have politicians of all colours doing that. Even I think that the ANC is singling itself out as a bastion of progressivity – and hell, I’ve been called racist for some of my controversial opinions.

And on this point, just ask yourself: what has the DA ever done? Nothing. Nothing at all – and I don’t care what ‘facts’ or ‘statistics’ or ‘internationally-recognised socially progressive programs’ you quote to try and make your sick lies sound sweet as honey. Worse yet, let us not forget that the leader of the party has the same name as a giant radioactive Japanese monster. Is that not reason enough to err on the side of caution?

As a wise man once said, but better the devil you know than the DA-Zille you don’t.

VIVA ANC VIVA.

New SA Zoo popularity soars

A new zoo has hit the South African big-time, after video footage of a savage battle between the different members of this private enclosure went viral online.

“This zoo has been around forever,” said media analyst Wile D’animo, “but recently its popularity has soared through the roof – all because of a massive and fierce fight between the various specimens in this small space. There was howling. There was yammering. There was hissing and roaring. It was true primal savagery, the likes of which we have never seen before - even in the far calmer, far less bloodthirsty Kruger [National Park].”

Though many experts are baffled by the sudden interest in this beastly, chaotic slice of nature’s true ugliness and disorder, some believe it is due to the sudden remarketing of a brand fraught with misguided preconceptions.

“This particular enclosure is only one of many similar hundreds across the world,” said one zoological specialist. “However, where most iterations of this zoo in other countries are boring, calm, quiet and peaceful zones where battles between the various species inside its walls are short and almost cordial, this one broke the mould. It was chaos. Like staring into the black, abyssal heart of Mother Nature’s dark side.”

The zoo, which is maintained by tax payers’ dollars and is known only as the PoRSA, has captured the public's attention with its wild spats and blood-thirsty struggles between opposing beasts.

"Where else in the animal kingdom can you see the mighty Ayencius Phumelele Stone Sizani locked in mortal struggle against its archnemisis Deeyayus Mmusi Maimane, or embroiled in a life-or-death brawl with Iyeffeffius Malemia Julius?" asked one Youtube commentator who differed from the rest in that they didn't use the footage as the basis for a lengthy thesis arguing smugly in favour of white supremacy. "There is just something about watching these animals fighting over the rotting and slowly festering remains of that favoured prey, Kountree Southus Africensis, the you just can't look away from. It's like nature's car crash."

Other media analysts, however, say that the popularity will be short lived.

“Really, they’ve ravaged all the best parts of what is left of the lifeless, devoured carcass, and now they’re locked in a tooth and claw battle over the last few bones,” said Johnathan von Johnathanson. "It's only a matter of time until something gives."

And though visitors can hope for a sighting of the rare and reclusive Ayencius Zumus Jacob, zoological experts says they shouldn’t get their hopes up.

“There have been many pleas and calls by thousands of visitors and fans of the zoo to have this animal finally make an appearance, you know, actually be visible in this enclosure,” they said, “but they shouldn’t get their hopes up. The King of the Beasts rarely ventures out of his large Private Enclosure, and prefers to remains in his preferred natural habitat of gold and green".

Pics (edited): Hyena by Joanne Goldby, Vulture by Jerry Pank, Lion from Rochkind, and Olive Baboon from Nevit Dilmen

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Study: South Africa still not utterly ruined

Pictured: South Africa in ten years

Claims made by men holding braai tongs across the country were today put to rest after a study has irrefutably shown that, despite tireless effort by government, police and many aspects of our problematic society, the country is still not absolutely "gone to the dogs."

"Science does not lie," said a man who for some reason wore a white coat, glasses and had the letters 'PhD' after his name.

According to the study, which has run since about the turn of the millenium, there are still many places in South Africa which have yet to feel the brunt of a ruinous political agenda.

"We've all heard the countless Doctoral Theses and Masters Dissertations entitled, 'Can I Tell You What's Wrong With This Country?', written by middle-aged political studies scientists and experts who have just finished their fifth beer and are among friends in the comfort and privacy of their own home, but the evidence points that these theses may just be discredited - there are still some areas of SA that are kind of okay."

When asked for comment, the DA were clear in their message of responsible, mature politics.

"NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYA-NYAAAAAA!," they said, ignoring statistics showing that there weren't exactly blameless or perfect themselves.

Following the release of the controversial report, which has already been met with many counter-theses entitled 'These Blerrie Fokken' University Students, Always Reading Too Much Into Things And Making Stories' and 'Ag, Blerrie People Just Can't Accept The Blerrie Truth, Hey', many political factions have vowed to redouble their efforts.

"Ever since about 2002, when we first made it our goal and passion to be to societal harmony and progressivity what industrial-strength bleach is to a nest of fragile, helpless baby birds, we have been committed to achieving a nation-state worthy of the speeches of the country's top Braai Master Political Analysts," said ANC spokesperson Jake Meddels.

However, the majority poitical party does admit to having slipped up here and there.

"Here and there we have screwed up by actually delivering a decent standard of government and actually delivering basic services, not being corrupt, etc, etc, but we think we have vindicated outselves in the overtly negative press the mass media gives us every week," said Meddels. "We're excelling in that area."

Current estimates now predict that South Africa might only be a lifeless, radioactive and worthless hellhole of a banana republic - also known as a 'Zimbabwe' - by late 2018.

Agang realises most crucial weaknesses in elections strategy – “too honest, realistic”

Agang had a huge moment of epiphany today, after they realised and publically admitted to South African voters today that their key manifesto, political mandate and elections strategy “contained some huge flaws” and “never really stood a snowball’s chance in hell.”

“Even that metaphor doesn’t do our failure justice,” said Agang spokeperson Jake Mthuli. “Perhaps ‘A Bafana-Bafana’s chance in the World Cup’ is more accurate?”

Following the realisation, Agang had a full press conference outlining their key weaknesses and faults.

“We know exactly what we did wrong,” said Mthuli. “We told the truth. We were too realistic. That’s why we only have two seats in Parliament: we didn’t hand out endless T-shirts and fliers (even on election day, right outside the voting stations), we didn’t give anyone kickbacks or jobs that required our continued political majority rule to stay in existence, we didn’t hand out bags of maize meal to loyal voters.”

However, the endless list of critical flaws in their politicking did not stop there.

“I mean, we were outclassed on all fronts,” admitted a heart-broken and weary Mamphela Ramphele. “We realise now the error of our ways: not once did we whip out our well-thumbed race card; we didn’t emotionally blackmail our electorate; we didn’t send out a rallying call for loyalist patriotism or reactionist ‘this country is going to hell’ voting. Hell, we didn’t even use that much emotional argument or rhetoric. We campaigned honestly. We campaigned honourably. And we lost abysmally.”

In response to the announcement, however, thousands of South Africans have scoffed at the fledgling party, saying its inadequacies were far more deep-seated than those they had so far admitted. Some even questioned their leadership credentials.

“South Africa has gotten used to a certain quality, a very particular standard, of leadership,” said one political analyst. “But Ramphele and her merry band of half-wits are wholly unsuited to government. They aren’t confident or daring in spending public resources of government funds. They don’t act all self-righteous and superior to the others, as if they are the better and incorruptible party."

And to add insult to injury, he said, none of the leadership has a criminal history.

"Zuma knows that to catch a crook you have to hire a crook – which explains our cutting-edge and hugely successful police force - and that to stop corruption you have to first fully understand what corruption is and how far it can penetrate a good person’s soul. He’s like a black South African Professor Snape," he explained. "You can’t fight dark magic if you don’t know what it is, looks like, or how many houses it can build you before the people snap and impeach you. Instead they have meaningless things. Care for the country. Necessary qualifications. Education. A sound political manifesto. How are these things supposed to keep a country running smoothly?”

Another voter added that “she [Ramphele] is vastly inferior to [President Jacob] Zuma.”

“She doesn’t even have more than three wives,” he said, adding that two was “the bare minimum.” “And she declared her assets as like 50 million or something. Zuma’s house alone is creeping up on half a billion rands. Do we really want a poorer president? What will other countries think? That our widespread socioeconomic disparities and prevalent poverty extend all the way to the Big Office? We’ll be the laughing stock of Southern Africa – and that’s saying something.”

In light of the constructive criticism, Agang has sworn to shake up its election strategy, aiming to secure a much more considerable percentage of South African voters.

“Next time, we know,” said Mthuli. “Less honesty, less realism. More emotion. More statistics. More lies. More empty promises. Mandela’s face? Use it! Endless reference to the struggle which was almost two decades ago? Abuse it! We will take more journalists and cartoonists to court for defamation. We will marry more wives, take more money, build bigger houses, drive expensive-er cars with messages about social responsibility on their sides. We now know our flaws. But now we also know how to win; we know what kind of leaders South Africans not just want but need. Christians had better get ready, because if the ANC are right, Jesus is coming in just four very, very short years. Bring it.”

Thousands of dead South Africans vote

It has been a fantastic year for Constitutional Rights this week, after Government officials upheld everyone’s Constitutionally-enshrined right to cast their ballot, regardless of their individual metabolic rate.

“In the past, the vote – not to mention many, many other fundamental rights – were denied to a great many people because of many silly factors,” said government spokesperson and Independent Electoral Commission voter’s roll manager Sam Ngoma. “Never again will we return to such an oppressive tyrannical system of government. People should be allowed to vote whether they are black, white, Indian, or slowly decomposing in a cemetery somewhere.”

The decision to allow the interred South Africans (which are now being formally being labelled as a more politically-correct “previously breathing”) is not the first time such a democratic freedom has been extended to those who have moved off this earthly coil.

“Zimbabwe has a proud, proud history of allowing these most crucial democratic rights to the most marginalised of our community: those who have suffered death. In the 80’s we even had a huge group of military-trained voting coordinators roaming the country to help mostly Ndebele people join this queue-free voting station. The locals even had a loving nickname for our boys and their work: the ‘Green Bombers’ and ‘Gukurahundi’, ” said ZANU-PF Voting Coordinator Uraya Ndokurova, who has a degree in Political Management and Stomping on Blair-loving Oppostion Leader’s Heads. “Just because you’ve buried someone, doesn’t mean you must bury our beloved Constitution with them!”

He went on to add that that rejecting this particular demographics’ vote was a popular pastime in the Western world.

“How typical of these greedy, sanction-loving, colonial oppressors,” he said. “Sure, they get some things right, like the US dollar, medical technologies and awesome expensive Mercedes Benzes, but otherwise they are no different to their slave-owning forefathers.”

The move has been met with widespread approval, by both the living and the dead.

“It’s great,” said one voter who spoke to us via Ouija Board, “I see all my family, and there are no queues for us. Also, the people that help us to make our disembodied X are so friendly and uncorrupt and helpful.”

Since the massive announcement, government officials have announced that in future a Ministerial Portfolio for Contacting the Dead will be set up using only the most highly advanced techniques in contacting the deceased, such as throwing a handful of KFC bones and talking to yourself in gibberish after drinking something containing battery acid and industrial-strength bleach, and only the most highly qualified sangomas and naangas to ensure that the voters’ electoral decisions are accurately interpreted.

“We really, really want to be utterly certain of their vote before making a cross,” he said. “Techniques like these are fool-proof. We know. Many of our cadre have tried to screw them up and failed.”

However, government officials have since confirmed that this is but the beginning of a new era in voting.

“In future, we want to extend these simple and hard-won freedoms and rights to everyone,” said Ngoma, “even those poor and disenfranchised South Africans who have yet to be born. Just because they technically don’t exist yet, it does not mean they won’t want to vote ANC. I’m sorry, can you cut that last word out when you publish?”

"Taking selfie with stolen ballots also illegal" - ANC

Following much electoral controversy across the country yesterday as millions lined up to cast their vote (after the Independent Electoral Commission warned that taking a self-portrait with your ballot choice using a cellphone is deemed illegal and punishable by jail time), the African National Congress has also stepped forward, reminding its paid inside officials in the IEC that taking similar pictures with stolen ballots was equally illegal.

"If you take a photo of yourself with your democratic right to choose your future President and political representation in the background, that is bad," said ANC spokesperson Eraaz Abillink, "but taking a photograph of yourself with stolen ballots is even worse. It's unforgivable. IEC officials should be above such actions."

The ANC has reminded these wrongdoers and counterrevolutionary sellouts that the punishment is of the highest severity possible.

"If you show the world these boxes of pre-stamped votes, we will cut you off," he said. "No more tenders, no more Uncle Jake getting his RDP house ahead of the queue, no more kickbacks, no more Mercedes SLR with ANC poster about equality and changing socioeconomic disparity on the side. We're serious."

When asked whether these offenders would face equal threat of prison time, he scoffed.

"An ANC guy, go to court or jail? What is this, a Utopian society?"

Meanwhile, the IEC has defended both itself, this ruling, and the question of the election's fairness with staunch obduracy.

"There is a misconception that we're targeting those people who want to make themselves look slightly more socially responsible and intelligent than their usual -nice-looking-meal-photographing, blurry-colour-enhancing-filter-choosing, thousand-hashtag-abusing shallow selves, but this really is not the case," said Head of the Voting Monitoring Program for the IEC Wahch Doug. "We take these crimes seriously for everyone, regardless of how moronic the daily tedium they upload to Facebook is."

And in response to growing concerns and complaints that in some areas the electoral process was unlawfully disrupted, the IEC, despite fears, has declared the elections "mostly free and fair".

"We know that for the past couple of years we've been like the boy who cried wolf and told the world that elections like the Zimbabwe 2008 elections were 'Free and Fair'," said IEC Ballot Official Lyon Touyuu, who paused to laugh so hard that he simultaneously vomited and shat himself, "but this time we're really telling the truth. Really. There was nothing wrong. I mean, a couple of ballot boxes tampered with and a few dozen irregularities here and there, but I think for this part of the world these are acceptable numbers of screw-ups."

Politicos release new language handguide

Pic: wikimedia

Politico wannabes who struggle to be taken seriously in the South Africa can lay their troubles to rest, after a recent publication teaching any and all aspiring tenderpreneurs how to correctly employ rhetoric has hit the bookshelves.

According to Stark publishing, an initiative between various leading political figures from the ANC, SASCO and COPE has seen the release of a new book aimed at teaching would-be politicians how to ‘talk the talk’.

“Comrade brother chiefs, this is a great day for anyone who wishes to get into the political sphere,” said the book’s author, Speekmore Rahbish, best-selling writer with such famous works under his belt as How to Play the Race Card, and Making Money: a Tender Issue. The book has a breakdown of equivalent translations of politi-speak, and serves as a guideline for political rhetoric with advice such as “call people, ‘the masses'” and "when in doubt, use big words".

The book, entitled How to Talk the Talk (now on sale at all major bookstores), outlines many helpful phrases and translations that can aid future politicos, says Rahbish. 

"This book will demystify the whole thing," said the author, opening the book to read a few examples to gathered reporters. Noteworthy examples include:

“Chief brother honourable comrade, I seek clarity as to the issue pertaining to the certainty and extent thereof concerning the matter at hand arising from current conversation” ---->  “Are you sure?”

“Comrade brother-in-arms, I would like to seek further and additional nutritional substance and satisfaction of a more meaningful, worthwhile nature as such that we fulfill the aims of such an endeavourous occasion” ---->  “Let’s eat something else”

“Comrade great leader, might I make the unequivocal suggestion that we place more pertinence on the issue pertaining to the mobilisation of the current gathered masses beknownst to us so that we may further reoccupy the territories stolen from us by imperialist colonial oppressive history.”
----> “Let us call our friends and go to the beach” 

Since its publication last week, the book has been met by a resounding wave of approval and praise.

“Ever since I failed Woodwork last year, I have known that I was destined for political power," said third-year Politics student at Rhodes University, Julian Marx. "However, sounding legit has been a real stumbling block for me – the masses just don’t take me seriously. This book has changed all that. Within months, I intend on getting taxpayers to renovate MY homestead.” 

The book has been met with scathing criticism, however, with many calling the book "dangerous, useless, and classless." Despite this, the book's publishers and author are unmoved.

"Of course it's classless!" said Rhabish. "It's Marx!" 

The author has since announced plans for a new book, but has been secretive on details.
"I don't want to give it all away too soon, but I will give you three words," he said with a wink:
"'HIV' and 'African Beetroot'".

Outcry at “Even fish vote for the ANC”

A storm of controversy has swept across South Africa after a news bulletin by iAfrica this morning reported that African National Congress national head of elections Ngoako Ramatlhodi told a rally in Polokwane that, given the chance, animals would vote for the ANC.

According to the news aggregation site, daily paper The Star quoted Ramatlhodi (who is also the deputy minister of correctional services) as saying: "Even the fish, I am told, when the time comes, they vote for the ANC from the sea. If animals at Kruger National [Park] were allowed to vote, they would be voting [for] the ANC."

However, many scientists and sociopolitical analysts have come forward to refute these claims, saying they’re “offensively stupid and utterly ridiculous.”“

Such a claim is preposterous!” said Animal Sciences Researcher Dave Hutton. “Animals don’t even have thumbs. Besides, it’s obvious that they have their own nations and fish, horse and donkey presidents who preside over their own matters. They wouldn’t dabble in human politics.”

However, other public figures have since stepped forward to weigh in on the debate.

“The man has a point,” said political analyst Have Dutton. “For example, Salmon and free-range chickens would never vote for the DA. That would be like Jews voting for the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (NSDAP).”

He went on to point out that many other domesticated animals would never vote DA.

”Horses, donkeys, cattle, sheep… these are all animals operating under the chains of middle-class privilege,” said Dutton. “However, initial studies have suggested that cats and dogs would be very much inclined to vote for the Whisker’s and Pedigree-buying DA members.”

He also mentioned that the more obscure minority pets, such as rare pigeons, parrots, guinea pigs, snakes and lizards would all probably vote DA.When these animals were questioned, they all remained strangely unresponsive, leaving politicians wonder if these claims have an veracity to them.

ANC stalwart Mr Clucky McCluckens
is clear on his political leanings
pic: Marji Beach, Flickr

“Bhaaak bhak bhaaaaaaaaaaak, bhak bhak bhak,” said the one chicken that did respond to questions. The ANC have since kindly translated that for us: “WE WILL VOTE ANC UNTIL JESUS COMES AGAIN”.

Despite all this, other public figures have denounced such suggestions as racist.

“[Dutton] thinks that all animals will vote along a simplified, reductive black-white dichotomy,” said COPE leader Trina Ghetvoats. “But where does this leave black-and-white sheep, and the rarer animals, like leopards and lions, who don't occupy either end of the polarised species spectrum?”

In spite of the controversy, the ANC is taking no risks. 

“We’ve set up the relevant government departments just in case we need to deal with such a thing,” said newly appointed second cousin of Zuma’s third wife’s brother’s best friend’s uncle Minister of Animal Rights and Voting Allowances Jeff Mahlala. “We’ve already been allocated a budget of several million, which has been put through my wife the necessary tender processes to allows for the purchase of the ministerial vehicles necessary for the development of such a portfolio.”

Meanwhile, the Independent Electoral Commission and Western bodies have been quick to warn South Africa that there is a strong need to ensure that underwater and farm-side voting stations have “transparent, free, fair, democratic and accountable processes that ensure every species exercises their voting right accordingly”.

“We will me monitoring these new developments carefully," said head of the International Voting Watch Committe Impi Rialist. "If we hear that even one horse was pressured to vote for a party not of his personal choosing, we may be forced to impose strict sanctions.”