Student voter torn between best friend, guy with nice poster

Uncertainty reigns today, after a student voter is unsure whether to cast his vote for Student President in favour of his best friend, or the guy with an awesome poster and unlimited printing credit.

According to sources close to the 21-year-old BSC student James Sullivan, the decision is a tough one.

“On the one hand, Brad is my best mate,” said the unnamed insider, “and in such important decisions that effect the entire student body you're kinda obliged to vote for your friends. Hell, voting your best mates into the presidency has been a tradition that stretches back hundreds of years.”

“But on the other hand, the other guy [Presidential Candidate Eric Ramalack] has such an awesome poster. I mean, he’s wearing a suit, he’s looking tough and serious, and it’s covered in words like ‘transformation’, ’accountability’, ‘transparency’ and ‘responsibility’. You take one look at that badboy and it becomes immediately clear how qualified and experienced he is, and how he is the ideal candidate for the job.”

As can clearly be seen, this candidate possesses all the
skills necessary to bring about excellent
student governance.

Sullivan himself has expressed guilt and frustration.

“This is a momentous decision of incredibly huge ramifications that will affect not just me, but the entire student body,” he said. “If I don’t pick Brad, then that means every time he buys me a beer or lends me his psych notes or agrees to sign the attendance register at History and Appreciation of Music, I’ll feel awful.”

“But if I pick Eric, then I won’t be able to have an inside man to organise the artists and bands that I want to see performing at the Great Field Party or [the] Tri-Var[sity Tournament],” he said. “I mean, I’ve never looked into what the SRC do, but that’s obviously the only thing they ever do during the entire year. So yeah.”

However, Student Political analysts say there is still time for an underdog candidate to snatch the presidency away from these favourites.

“We’ve got some really strong candidates for student leadership this year, with all the qualities you’d want in someone in charge of nearly 8000 students,” said Politics editor of campus newspaper Coppie-Paste, Karl Styabalots. “Really, I wouldn’t be surprised if the hot blonde chick in the short black dress takes it, or even the guy in first year who says ‘my comrades’ and ‘chief’ a lot.”

Whatever Sullivan’s decision, one thing is clear.

“I’m definitely not voting for that guy in fourth year who has had two years’ experience in the SRC,” he scoffed. “I mean, all he’s saying is shit like ‘work on realistic goals, like fighting for lower fees and a better DP return rate’; He’s not even campaigning for better res food, vending machines on campus, or even a shuttle service up the hill. Why anyone would ever want that guy in charge just defies logic.”

Outcry at “Even fish vote for the ANC”

A storm of controversy has swept across South Africa after a news bulletin by iAfrica this morning reported that African National Congress national head of elections Ngoako Ramatlhodi told a rally in Polokwane that, given the chance, animals would vote for the ANC.

According to the news aggregation site, daily paper The Star quoted Ramatlhodi (who is also the deputy minister of correctional services) as saying: "Even the fish, I am told, when the time comes, they vote for the ANC from the sea. If animals at Kruger National [Park] were allowed to vote, they would be voting [for] the ANC."

However, many scientists and sociopolitical analysts have come forward to refute these claims, saying they’re “offensively stupid and utterly ridiculous.”“

Such a claim is preposterous!” said Animal Sciences Researcher Dave Hutton. “Animals don’t even have thumbs. Besides, it’s obvious that they have their own nations and fish, horse and donkey presidents who preside over their own matters. They wouldn’t dabble in human politics.”

However, other public figures have since stepped forward to weigh in on the debate.

“The man has a point,” said political analyst Have Dutton. “For example, Salmon and free-range chickens would never vote for the DA. That would be like Jews voting for the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei (NSDAP).”

He went on to point out that many other domesticated animals would never vote DA.

”Horses, donkeys, cattle, sheep… these are all animals operating under the chains of middle-class privilege,” said Dutton. “However, initial studies have suggested that cats and dogs would be very much inclined to vote for the Whisker’s and Pedigree-buying DA members.”

He also mentioned that the more obscure minority pets, such as rare pigeons, parrots, guinea pigs, snakes and lizards would all probably vote DA.When these animals were questioned, they all remained strangely unresponsive, leaving politicians wonder if these claims have an veracity to them.

ANC stalwart Mr Clucky McCluckens
is clear on his political leanings
pic: Marji Beach, Flickr

“Bhaaak bhak bhaaaaaaaaaaak, bhak bhak bhak,” said the one chicken that did respond to questions. The ANC have since kindly translated that for us: “WE WILL VOTE ANC UNTIL JESUS COMES AGAIN”.

Despite all this, other public figures have denounced such suggestions as racist.

“[Dutton] thinks that all animals will vote along a simplified, reductive black-white dichotomy,” said COPE leader Trina Ghetvoats. “But where does this leave black-and-white sheep, and the rarer animals, like leopards and lions, who don't occupy either end of the polarised species spectrum?”

In spite of the controversy, the ANC is taking no risks. 

“We’ve set up the relevant government departments just in case we need to deal with such a thing,” said newly appointed second cousin of Zuma’s third wife’s brother’s best friend’s uncle Minister of Animal Rights and Voting Allowances Jeff Mahlala. “We’ve already been allocated a budget of several million, which has been put through my wife the necessary tender processes to allows for the purchase of the ministerial vehicles necessary for the development of such a portfolio.”

Meanwhile, the Independent Electoral Commission and Western bodies have been quick to warn South Africa that there is a strong need to ensure that underwater and farm-side voting stations have “transparent, free, fair, democratic and accountable processes that ensure every species exercises their voting right accordingly”.

“We will me monitoring these new developments carefully," said head of the International Voting Watch Committe Impi Rialist. "If we hear that even one horse was pressured to vote for a party not of his personal choosing, we may be forced to impose strict sanctions.”