“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

“Go fuck yourself” now a legally-permissible argument

Citing the sheer overwhelming number of deserving articles, posts, statuses, opinions and stories posted every minute all over the internet, Supreme justices, advocates and judges at every level of the Legal System have today allowed full legal permissibility and support of the argument that someone should “go fuck themselves”.

According Justice Eric Secutioner of the Supreme Court, the decision was made after many hours of hard,vigorous debate, when one Justice sneakily checked her phone and saw a tweet from part-time “singer” Steve Hofmeyr proclaiming that blacks were the architects of apartheid.

The Supreme Court roll clearly records the events, showing that Justice Annabelle Torrends rolled her eyes and said aloud, “oh, go fuck yourself”, which was shortly followed by her passing around the phone. Other justices then gave various renditions of “just kill yourself” and “choke on a fat one, you fucktard”, eventually agreeing that “go fuck yourself” would be permissible as it made no allusion to homophobic slurs and did not constitute a death threat.

“It’s important to be progressive with these kinds of things,” they explained.

Legal experts now say that this “Go Fuck yourself” legal rebuttal is based in powerful legal precedent, in the form of the Reasonable Person measure.

"Look, when you post shit like this on Facebook and Twitter, it’s clear that any reasonable person would tell you to go fuck yourself,” said legal expert Lawyer. “Or rather, as we say in legal circles, ‘describe to you in graphic detail how to use your genetalia to go commit auto… autoerotica? autosexual something? Eroti… er, whatever fucking yourself is in Latin.”

People across the country have voiced widespread support for this new introduction.

“When I see a dumb post on Facebook or Twitter, I think, geez, I could easily debunk this using a rational and critically-analytical approach, showing the logical inconsistencies and rhetorical weaknesses of the poster’s argument,” said one internet user, “but what with the time and energy it would take to do this, and the likelihood of him actually reading the response with genuine interest and taking to heart my central criticisms and suggestions and ultimately changing his flawed way of looking at the world, it’s honestly just easier and saves more time and effort to simply tell him to take two Viagra, bend his cock under his balls and through his gooch-hair and stick it right up his own ass.”

Other online commentators said that the decision would be well received in the online community.

“Sorry to offend, but in my books dickheads and arseholes tend to be indistinguishable and quite inseparable on the internet,” said another. “So why not also in actual real life with the human body? Go figure.”

Pic of judge (my edit) by maveric2003

Football fans don’t blame referee

It was first for the history books today, after thousands of Manchester United and Arsenal fans agreed that last night’s game was “totally fair” and that the referee did a “marvellous, simply excellent job” of ensuring a clean, even match.

“The game was absolutely fair and unbiased,” said one fan, Shirley Reff, who emailed us without once using her CAPSLOCK key or any exclamation marks. “I would just like to congratulate the referee on doing a great job of the overwhelming task of making sure that a soccer match is objectively controlled, fair and utterly impartial.”

Reff explained in more depth.

“Let’s take for example his offsides call at about the 32-minute mark,” she said. “Excellent! What acuity! It was quite clearly offsides, no two ways about it. And that tackle between Santi Cazorla and Ander Herrera? It was fair and clean: his foot clearly hit the ball first. The referee was right to exercise his play-on discretion.”

Pictured: Most referees

Fans now say that even when there were questionable moments replayed in slow-motion where the referee missed a call or didn’t issue a penalty, one had to be understanding.

“We can’t expect him to see everything,’ they said, quietly drinking their beers in a calm and orderly fashion while seated and not taking off their shirts or hurling abuse at the Plasma screen. “It’s a huge stadium, lots of noise, lots going on. He’s just human. We’re bigger than being childish ranting lunatics.”

Experts in the act of guys kicking around a bag of air have agreed with this reaction, saying it “only makes sense”.

“Really, if you think about the utter meaninglessness of the world and the impossibility of our existence, and the overwhelming and terrifying fact that we live in just one tiny shard of space-time, an insignificant blink in history’s eye in which we’re all definitely going to die alone and unloved one day, with all our life’s works and struggles reduced to a forgotten and trivial collection of futile acts in the face of our own inevitable mortality, then getting worked up about one missed call in one inconsequential football match just feels dumb,” said Refereeologist Blou de Vissle. “Unless we’re talking about last weekend when that fucking blind dick ref missed that totally obvious handball by Suarez right outside the goal line. I mean, how could you miss it? The useless myopic fuck.”

"Taking selfie with stolen ballots also illegal" - ANC

Following much electoral controversy across the country yesterday as millions lined up to cast their vote (after the Independent Electoral Commission warned that taking a self-portrait with your ballot choice using a cellphone is deemed illegal and punishable by jail time), the African National Congress has also stepped forward, reminding its paid inside officials in the IEC that taking similar pictures with stolen ballots was equally illegal.

"If you take a photo of yourself with your democratic right to choose your future President and political representation in the background, that is bad," said ANC spokesperson Eraaz Abillink, "but taking a photograph of yourself with stolen ballots is even worse. It's unforgivable. IEC officials should be above such actions."

The ANC has reminded these wrongdoers and counterrevolutionary sellouts that the punishment is of the highest severity possible.

"If you show the world these boxes of pre-stamped votes, we will cut you off," he said. "No more tenders, no more Uncle Jake getting his RDP house ahead of the queue, no more kickbacks, no more Mercedes SLR with ANC poster about equality and changing socioeconomic disparity on the side. We're serious."

When asked whether these offenders would face equal threat of prison time, he scoffed.

"An ANC guy, go to court or jail? What is this, a Utopian society?"

Meanwhile, the IEC has defended both itself, this ruling, and the question of the election's fairness with staunch obduracy.

"There is a misconception that we're targeting those people who want to make themselves look slightly more socially responsible and intelligent than their usual -nice-looking-meal-photographing, blurry-colour-enhancing-filter-choosing, thousand-hashtag-abusing shallow selves, but this really is not the case," said Head of the Voting Monitoring Program for the IEC Wahch Doug. "We take these crimes seriously for everyone, regardless of how moronic the daily tedium they upload to Facebook is."

And in response to growing concerns and complaints that in some areas the electoral process was unlawfully disrupted, the IEC, despite fears, has declared the elections "mostly free and fair".

"We know that for the past couple of years we've been like the boy who cried wolf and told the world that elections like the Zimbabwe 2008 elections were 'Free and Fair'," said IEC Ballot Official Lyon Touyuu, who paused to laugh so hard that he simultaneously vomited and shat himself, "but this time we're really telling the truth. Really. There was nothing wrong. I mean, a couple of ballot boxes tampered with and a few dozen irregularities here and there, but I think for this part of the world these are acceptable numbers of screw-ups."