“Fuck you Mugabe” wins landslide Zim election victory

Zimbabwean elections have been thrown into uproar today, after president of 29 years Robert Gabriel Mugabe was soundly beaten in this year’s impromptu democratic presidential elections by none other than surprise candidate “Fuck You Mugabe”.

This unexpected election was held following riots and protests across the country this week.

The political party – of which very little is currently known – was reportedly a last-minute addition to the political candidature register. According to the Zimbabwean Electoral Commission this burgeoning mystery power was scribbled into the margins of over 5.6 million voting slips, neatly beating the three-decade ZANU-PF incumbent.

“When we opened the boxes, we were astounded by what we found,” said Chief Operations Officer of the ZEC, Riginya Vhoats. “Of the some 11 million votes that were cast this year, over 50% of those were cast in favour of this new secret candidate. Clearly there is something special in the ‘Fuck You Mugabe’ manifesto that resounds strongly in the hearts and minds of a majority of Zimbabweans.”

However the FYM party was not the only one to surpass ZANU’s votes.

“Yes, the FYM’s achievement is commendable, but what really surprised us was the number of smaller minority parties that took their share of the votes,” said Vhoats. “For example, who could have guessed that close runner-up ‘Die You Old Bastard’ would scrape past ZANU into second place, or that the determined independent party ‘Stop Killing Us We Are Starving And Poor’ would cinch an easy bronze? The fact that we have such unpredictable results just goes to show that democracy is well and truly alive in the glorious nation of Zimbabwe.”

ZANU PF placed fifth overall, sliding into this low position just below another modern candidate, 'You Have Betrayed Us All, Go To Hell."

When asked how Morgan Tsvangirai’s Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) party placed, he laughed.

“We didn’t count those things,” he said, “as per the rites and rituals of our Zimbabwean traditions that go back nearly two decades.”

However, the majority political power has already contested the count and demanded a full investigation.

”The idea that someone beat Mugabe is absurd,” said ZANU-PF chief whip Arthur Oterian. “We asked the opposition if they rigged the vote and they said ‘No’ – but how can you possibly win an election without rigging it?”

Citizens, on the other hand, are happy with the results.

"This party and its mantra has resounded on social media, in private conversations, and in correspondence with those who send us money from the diaspora so that we don't starve to death," said Mbare Musika resident Ayava Hadnuff. "It seems almost everyday that someone is saying 'Fuck You Mugabe' this and 'Fuck you Mugabe' that. 'Fuck you Mugabe' is clearly a party that speaks to our hearts and lives, and perfectly describes the future we all want."

However, the took time to recognise the acheivements of the ancien regime.

"He made us lots of promises, and he lived up to them," said Hadnuff humbly. "Like how Zim would never become a colony ever again. That's true. I mean, technically it's more of an authoritarian oligarchy, or a nepotistic dictatorship. And he did so much for race relations here. He hates black people who oppose him just as much as he hates white people. He gave us a truly equal state, where you could be beaten to death regardless of your skin colour. Now that's progress."

ZEC officials now say that a second round of run-off elections could be held as early as July – a prospect that pleases ZANU heads.

”Now a run-off election is something we know how to win,” said Oterian. “We’re confident that we’ll be back at our desks and offices in August, working hard once more to pioneer the next fuck-up for South African politicians to copy and reproduce in SA.”

Picture of Mugabe from Wikipedia by the United States Air Force (Creative Commons)

“My vote doesn’t even matter” say 21 million non-voters

Expressing their belief that ballot-driven democracy is hopelessly flawed and that their one vote wouldn’t change a single thing, 21 million non-voters individually said today that “at the end of the day, voting doesn’t even matter.”

The 20 685 435 voters – who make up the 26% of citizens who choose not to exercise their democratic and hard-won right to choose their president and country’s government – explained how their one vote wouldn’t even be missed.

“The system is broken,” said 25-year-old Noah Voating, one of the nearly one-third of the entire voting populace who has chosen to abstain on voting. “It’s all corrupt and gone to hell. There’s no way my one single vote would even affect the outcome of the elections.”

Voating – and many, many others – defended their choice.

Voats is just one of millions of people who
prove that elections for a representative
democracy is a totally flawed system. 

“All throughout history, there have been courageous, inspiring men and women – such as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr - who have fought tirelessly for the rights of citizens to cast their vote and have a say in their country’s future,” said Voating. “But they also fought for the right for citizens to spit in the face of that legacy and just opt out like a teenager in a particularly ugly family argument.”

He elaborated on his political apathy.

“Voting for a man and a party that has thousands of workers, volunteers and committed people behind it is not a way to fix all the problems in our country,” he said. “We all know that there’s only one way to fix these massive problems: by complaining about it endlessly on the internet.”

Voating has since started a petition to change the electoral system in South Africa.

“ Casting your ballot changes nothing,” reads the document. “That’s why we have this petition to do away with it. All you have to do is show up at the special petition show-of-support booths we’re going to set up in town halls across the country.”

And putting your name behind the petition could not be simpler, he says.

“All you need to do is register to give your support for the petition. Then you go down and just sign your name on a piece of paper and put it in the boxes we’ve set up. We count the number of people who want this petition, and if enough people support it, it will be used to change everything and do away with impractical, retrogressive voting.”

But getting numbers could still be tricky.

“I dunno,” said one citizen. “It sounds like I’d have to read the petition, make an informed decision and then walk all the way down there – and for what, just to change our country for the better? Nah, sounds like too much effort.”

Thousands of dead South Africans vote

It has been a fantastic year for Constitutional Rights this week, after Government officials upheld everyone’s Constitutionally-enshrined right to cast their ballot, regardless of their individual metabolic rate.

“In the past, the vote – not to mention many, many other fundamental rights – were denied to a great many people because of many silly factors,” said government spokesperson and Independent Electoral Commission voter’s roll manager Sam Ngoma. “Never again will we return to such an oppressive tyrannical system of government. People should be allowed to vote whether they are black, white, Indian, or slowly decomposing in a cemetery somewhere.”

The decision to allow the interred South Africans (which are now being formally being labelled as a more politically-correct “previously breathing”) is not the first time such a democratic freedom has been extended to those who have moved off this earthly coil.

“Zimbabwe has a proud, proud history of allowing these most crucial democratic rights to the most marginalised of our community: those who have suffered death. In the 80’s we even had a huge group of military-trained voting coordinators roaming the country to help mostly Ndebele people join this queue-free voting station. The locals even had a loving nickname for our boys and their work: the ‘Green Bombers’ and ‘Gukurahundi’, ” said ZANU-PF Voting Coordinator Uraya Ndokurova, who has a degree in Political Management and Stomping on Blair-loving Oppostion Leader’s Heads. “Just because you’ve buried someone, doesn’t mean you must bury our beloved Constitution with them!”

He went on to add that that rejecting this particular demographics’ vote was a popular pastime in the Western world.

“How typical of these greedy, sanction-loving, colonial oppressors,” he said. “Sure, they get some things right, like the US dollar, medical technologies and awesome expensive Mercedes Benzes, but otherwise they are no different to their slave-owning forefathers.”

The move has been met with widespread approval, by both the living and the dead.

“It’s great,” said one voter who spoke to us via Ouija Board, “I see all my family, and there are no queues for us. Also, the people that help us to make our disembodied X are so friendly and uncorrupt and helpful.”

Since the massive announcement, government officials have announced that in future a Ministerial Portfolio for Contacting the Dead will be set up using only the most highly advanced techniques in contacting the deceased, such as throwing a handful of KFC bones and talking to yourself in gibberish after drinking something containing battery acid and industrial-strength bleach, and only the most highly qualified sangomas and naangas to ensure that the voters’ electoral decisions are accurately interpreted.

“We really, really want to be utterly certain of their vote before making a cross,” he said. “Techniques like these are fool-proof. We know. Many of our cadre have tried to screw them up and failed.”

However, government officials have since confirmed that this is but the beginning of a new era in voting.

“In future, we want to extend these simple and hard-won freedoms and rights to everyone,” said Ngoma, “even those poor and disenfranchised South Africans who have yet to be born. Just because they technically don’t exist yet, it does not mean they won’t want to vote ANC. I’m sorry, can you cut that last word out when you publish?”