“My vote doesn’t even matter” say 21 million non-voters

Expressing their belief that ballot-driven democracy is hopelessly flawed and that their one vote wouldn’t change a single thing, 21 million non-voters individually said today that “at the end of the day, voting doesn’t even matter.”

The 20 685 435 voters – who make up the 26% of citizens who choose not to exercise their democratic and hard-won right to choose their president and country’s government – explained how their one vote wouldn’t even be missed.

“The system is broken,” said 25-year-old Noah Voating, one of the nearly one-third of the entire voting populace who has chosen to abstain on voting. “It’s all corrupt and gone to hell. There’s no way my one single vote would even affect the outcome of the elections.”

Voating – and many, many others – defended their choice.

Voats is just one of millions of people who
prove that elections for a representative
democracy is a totally flawed system. 

“All throughout history, there have been courageous, inspiring men and women – such as Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr - who have fought tirelessly for the rights of citizens to cast their vote and have a say in their country’s future,” said Voating. “But they also fought for the right for citizens to spit in the face of that legacy and just opt out like a teenager in a particularly ugly family argument.”

He elaborated on his political apathy.

“Voting for a man and a party that has thousands of workers, volunteers and committed people behind it is not a way to fix all the problems in our country,” he said. “We all know that there’s only one way to fix these massive problems: by complaining about it endlessly on the internet.”

Voating has since started a petition to change the electoral system in South Africa.

“ Casting your ballot changes nothing,” reads the document. “That’s why we have this petition to do away with it. All you have to do is show up at the special petition show-of-support booths we’re going to set up in town halls across the country.”

And putting your name behind the petition could not be simpler, he says.

“All you need to do is register to give your support for the petition. Then you go down and just sign your name on a piece of paper and put it in the boxes we’ve set up. We count the number of people who want this petition, and if enough people support it, it will be used to change everything and do away with impractical, retrogressive voting.”

But getting numbers could still be tricky.

“I dunno,” said one citizen. “It sounds like I’d have to read the petition, make an informed decision and then walk all the way down there – and for what, just to change our country for the better? Nah, sounds like too much effort.”

Ubisoft announce upcoming release of “actually finished, playable” game

Ubisoft is taking a massive U-turn from their established business model, after this morning’s announcement that they’ll be making a game that actually works when you put it in your computer or console.

“We know our customers are just used to a certain ethos and experience when they see our swirling logo,” said CEO for the company, “but I think it’s about time we acknowledged the world’s clamouring for change.”

As such, Ubisoft has announced that they cancelling their original plans for their next release This is Literally Just a Corn-flecked Shit We Took In A Game Case, and are now in the process of developing an original IP that isn’t Assassin’s Creed or Far Cry and will actually work and not have hundreds of dollars of microtransactions embedded into the core gameplay.

Ubisoft's most recent release has been scrapped in
favour "of something actually worth buying"

“We know we’ve become the villians,” admitted the French publishing giant in a lengthy statement. “We’re a bunch of fucking cynical money-hungry pieces of shit who aren’t content with just some of the money but who have to ravage our customers’ wallets for every last dime like rapacious, dollar-devouring vultures by putting a price tag on what is actually content that should really just be in the original game or unlocked to reward normal game progression. We’re a bunch of soulless stains on humanity with our desire to control and stifle our trusting and naïve loyal customers by abusing the system of review embargoes. Some might even say we’re a collective of detestable, low-life, scum-eating bastards because we don’t even release a game that works without extensive patches and updates, or that we're even cowardly, irresponsible and abusive rectal worms because we still refuse to have a working returns policy that compliments legislation aimed at protecting customers from harmful business practices or inferior products. It’s about time we change this.”

Ubisoft now say this massive shift in organisational ethos is the product of long periods of existential introspection and meditation.

“Remember our last over-bloated, super-hyped piece-of-shit that didn’t deliver on its promises? No, not Unity, we’re talking about the other one, Watch_Dogs. We’ve learnt our lesson. You can’t just take disparate and singular elements and hype them into a ground-breaking gamechanger only to have it all too apparent that said element is just a shallow and unimaginative context-specific gimmick to peddle more copies.”

Ubisoft also apologised for their other flaws.

“We spend millions of dollars on breath-taking graphics and realistic settings which no one can appreciate because the framerate and resolution is locked or limited or sinks to levels seen only in the biopic penny arcades in the early 1900s,” they said. “It’s about time we stopped making the same game again and again – you know, even peppering our new IPs with done and cliché elements like towers you have to visit to unlock portions of the game or map? – and ceased this brainless obsession with graphics and ‘an immersive, cinematic experience’ and just made a simple, awesome game with great mechanics and moving storytelling. Did you even understand what the hell is going on in our last game? DNA, memories, something something, Templars, New World Order? Who even knows, bro?”

This is not the first time Ubisoft has teken a responsible decision – earlier this year they announced they didn’t want to “oppress and insult women by putting them in a game as shit as Unity.”

“Woman have it bad enough,” said an executive at the controversial press conference, “why would we want to degrade the further by including them as playable characters in an inexcusable piece of shit like this?”

However, the company was shrewd about details for the upcoming game.

“Why do you even care what kind of game it is?” the said. “I mean, you’re going to buy it anyway.”

The game, which has already scored a perfect 10/10 from IGN, will go on sale for $60 in Q4 of 2015.

Note: at the time of going to press, God had not responded to prayers that The Division be good, please, just be good.

Pic (my edit) from AJC1

Makana launch probe into unbroken pipe

Makana Municipality has announced their intention to launch a series of in-depth investigations and reports into the water pipe running up High Street, saying that there has got to be some insidious reason it hasn't broken yet.

The pipe, located on the corner of High Street, has apparently not leaked once since its installation in 1989.

"The pipes of Grahamstown have been incorporated into the ground to naturally, automatically and eventually convert into fountains, free car-washes, and small rivers," said Mayor of the City of Saints, Jake Kalimba. "This pipe, this one is a whole different story."

According to the Municipality, all the pipe does all day is merely transport water from A to B.

"It has not served all the other functions that we equate with Gtown water pipes," he said.

Grahamstonians have been equally mystified.

"We just don't get it," said Fingo resident Rob Dabiedamuni. "Raglan Road, New Street, the higher suburbs... they are all broken. What makes this one pipe so special?"

Many local residents have applauded the Municipality's decision, but have said that there is still much more that needs similar investigation.

"It's a step in the right direction, but the Mayor needs to look into other things, like the small section of road at the bottom of my driveway, and the electricity supply at my neighbour's house," said resident John Tom. "These two have been respectively pothole-free and uninterrupted since we came here."

The Mayor has promised action.

"We will get to the bottom of this, even if we have to dig all day," he said