Parliament nears resolution on crucial “which superpower is the best” debate

Weeks of arguments and rhetoric are going to pay off today, after MPs and parliamentarians announced that they are on the brink of reaching a resolution on the heated and months-long debate over which superpower would be the best.

The debate – which has seen proponents for “totally sweet” invisibility at loggerheads with advocates for “frikken awesome” flight or like really cool laser-beam eyes – has raged in the halls of our nation’s legislative centre for nearly two months; and both sides have been staunch and unmoving.

“Those idiots don’t even get it,” said the leader of the Freedom Front Plus party, Lay Zerbeems. “I mean, how sweet would it be to be able to fly? Like, no more walking from place to place, just you and the eagles in the sky – how frikken cool would that be?”

She explained at length.

“Some of our critics have put forward super strength as an alternative – but when do you ever lift anything heavier than like a suitcase at the airport?” she said, to loud “exactly”s from the Minister of Argiculture.

“Besides, all your friends would just always ask you around to their house whenever they need to move house and you’d have to move all their furniture – and just think, all this time you could have been chilling with the hawks in the boundless blue skies above,” she finished to resounding murmurs of approval, agreement and “so friggin’ badass” from gathered MPs.

The debate has unleashed a slew of controversy.

“This whole debate is just silly and a massive waste of time, because it stops us from asking important questions,” said chief whip of the opposition party IKP, Ian Visabel. “Questions like, 'How would you even breathe in the thin upper atmosphere?'. It's glaringly obvious that you’d freeze to death without some kind of heated suit, and the baddies would see you easily and use radar to fight you.”

The answer, he explained, was obvious.

“Everyone knows mind control or telekinesis would be just so awesome,” he said, speaking at a deliberation over a moratorium of debate proceedings, “like, you could lift things with your mind.”

“Or, like, block bullets and throw things around without even having to stand up, so freakin' cool,” added the Minister of Rural Development.

But even this brings has only served to add fuel to the flames.

“The Honourable Member is misguided and wasting our valuable time, my Fellow Honourable Ministers,” said the chief whip for the Democratic Alliance. “You can’t just say ‘mind powers’ because you can’t have more than one, that’s cheating and totally not fair.”

And despite contentious and tiring debate, citizens are showing their support for the democratic process.

“I think it’s important,” said Johannesburg accountant Flei Mbreff. “After all, how can we deliberate over trivial issues like Nkandla and the growing issues around unemployment, the education crisis and worsening corruption when we can’t even agree over whether we’d use our ice breath to freeze the baddies or swish our hands to fight with the metal around us like we’re Magneto?”

“Besides, it gives us a great insight into our politicians,” he added. “Like that one minister of finance wanting invisibility? Bloody pervert probably just wants to sneak in the ladies’ volleyball changing room, the creep. Or steal money in a way that doesn’t involve some intricate tenderpreneurship scandal.”

“And that guy who wanted to slow down time? Shows you why he’s the Head of the Department of Home Affairs.”

But despite all of this, the Office of the Presidency has assured all South Africans that the real answer is in their hands.

“We don’t really listen to parliament, and this time is no different,” they said in a statement early this morning. “Besides, if you’re looking for a power that will give you unlimited control over a whole nation, totally freedom from attack and accountability, and as much wealth and luxury as you want, I think it’s pretty clear which power is the best of them all.”

“Being Jacob Zuma.”

Government begins campaign to improve graffiti

Bad graffiti and the defacement of public property has long been a stain on our society, but finally the Department of Education is striking back. Today, the Minister of Education has announced a much-needed injection of almost 3 billion Rand into South African schools, aimed at improving students’ grammar and punctuation so that, “at the very least, our schools will be vandalised and defaced in an educated and correctly-spelled manner.”

“Have you seen some of our students’ tags and ‘art’?” asked the Minister at a press conference in Pretoria. “I mean, Jake waz heer? Blu Klan Gang 4 lyf? Have we so failed our children that they can’t even deface public property in a respectable, grammatically sound way? They say ‘fuk da police’, but why? We hope that this new boost will enable our children to at least have an empirically-based and nuanced critique of our problematic police force and why, exactly, we should ‘fuk’ them.”

The cash boost follows on the heels of a damning study commissioned by the Institute of Public Art, which recently found that a “made-up but very high” percentage of gang-affiliated graffiti contained innumerable spelling, grammar and punctuation errors.

“While this widespread creativity and love of art is a sign of promise in the next generation,” said the sixty-page report, “their inability to differentiate between ‘to’, ‘too’ and ‘two’, or ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or even ‘were’, ‘we’re’ and ‘where’, is something that needs to be immediately addressed.”

This isn't the first time South African education has been drastically altered to suit contemporary trends, and despite government officials remaining obstinate that "a Matric isn't easy", teachers have embraced the new introductions.

“The system of basic education is failing many thousands of little obnoxious shits I’m legally obliged to call ‘students’,” said a High School maths teacher in Kwazulu-Natal. “If we don’t do something now, we’ll forever be doomed to see ‘fuck’ spelt without the ‘c’ on our trains, buildings and public spaces.”

The new educational fund is also aimed at improving students’ limited or incorrect knowledge of human anatomy as depicted in erroneous and crude tags.

“Most graffiti pictures of genitalia are not anatomically correct,” said one biology teacher. “For example, most crudely sprayed penises on industrial buildings disregard the usual kinks, bends and demographically relevant size proportions of the average male; the same can be said for roughly painted breasts or hastily tagged vaginas. They are just in no way indicative of real breasts, and don’t convey even half the complexity or sophisticated anatomical structures of the female reproductive organs.”

Government opinion remains divided on the matter, with some claiming that "education is not in a crisis in South Africa" and others admitting that education in South Africa would be "a terrible idea", but at the end of the day, the decision has excited great number of school kids.

“I’ve already been working on a new series of tags,” said a grade-ten learner. “I think it’s gonna blow people away.”

Artists depiction: before education program.

Artist's depiction: after education program.

Pics: Grafitti, Matthew de Klerk. Wall (both edits): Creative Commons.

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Angie Motshekga – Matric is “not that easy”

The government has struck back at critics of the Education System and the Department of Education this morning, after a statement released by somehow-still-Minister for Basic Education Angie Motshekga and signed by almost 100 Members of Parliament declared that “Matric exams aren’t easy” and that “we’d know, because we tried to do one.”

“Everyone is criticising it, saying it’s simple, it’s too easy, that the standard of education is falling quickly, but it really isn’t,” said Motsekga at a press conference in Johannesburg today.

Many MPs have agreed, having taken the exam themselves.

“The first question was quite challenging, but I eventually figured it out after maybe fifteen minutes of thought,” said Minister of Agriculture Lander Eforme. “But after I wrote down my name in that first blank, I realised that being asked my name isn’t actually a part of the question paper - and then I couldn’t go past the real Question One, which was something about two numbers and a small cross between them. I put my head in my hands and looked around Parliament at everyone else’s anxious, confused faces and thought, ‘Jesus, what are these hieroglyphics? Have we done this in class?’”

Minister Motshekga has slammed criticism of Matric,
saying, "Me, Malema, Zille and Zuma all agree - that's
seventeen people who prove my point."
pic:Flickr, Governmentza

According to Motshekga, 100% of the MPs who sat the exam failed to get over the minimum 33% pass mark, proving that the exam isn’t as easy as many claim.

“These critics, people like Johnathan Jansen, they are wrong about the exams,” she said, “and by wrong I mean more wrong that you’re allowed to be to be deemed eligible to get a Matric.”

Though some of the submitted papers did garner a few correct marks here and there, exam markers have now determined this to be “merely coincidental.”

“If we look at the papers themselves, statistically speaking they could only have gotten a few lucky ticks,” said script marker Nawt San-Krosis, “because the ANC just filled in all the (A) and (C) boxes on the multiple choice grids, with Helen Zille and her cadre of counterrevolutionaries filling in all the (D) and (A) choices. COPE and Agang didn’t provide any of their own problems to the solution, but probably just tried to peek over their neighbours' shoulders to steal some answers and points and pretend it was their original thoughts.”

The full results of the experiment, however, are not known.

“We don’t know what how the EFF did, because firstly there aren’t any (E) or (F) choices on the grid, and secondly because they staged a mass walk-out when the Woodwork Exam Question Papers were handed out. “

Despite all this, Motshekga says that she and other Organs of State were not worried by these Parliamentary failures.

“You don’t need a Matric to run a country,” she said. “Just ask Jacob.”

However, to combat possible issues they have announced new legislation and changes in law and education, such as protecting doctors in medical malpractice suits who only get one or two things wrong.

“If he cuts you open, fixes your liver, and then sews you up nicely, but accidentally leaves a box of needles in you, that’s okay, because that’s more than 33% correct.”

Motshekga and her coworkers are also excited to announce a new series of Matric Examination Papers, such as Put The Coloured Blocks In The Right-Shaped Holes and new multiple choice style papers in fitting with today’s high standard of education.

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Government to change ID photo policy

Following social media developments and the advent of instagram, the South African government is implementing a new passport and ID photo policy.

"We use these documents to try and identify you," said the press release. "But actually no one looks anything at all like what they do on facebook and twitter."

When asked for comment, the Minister of Passport Photos and Women said that it's a reasonable move. 

"My son's passport makes him look like an upstanding, contributing member of society. But I know the truth.On facebook and twitter, he's a drunken alcoholic misanthrope who never wears anything but beaters and sunglasses."

The government has since published new guidelines concerning these legal documents.

"Filters, many people in one shot, badly cropped pics, selfies, duckface... these are all preferable to normal, face-on profile shots," it said.

Artist's impression of future ID documents

The document went on to outline the benefits of these.

"Using these pictures in conjunction with facebook and twitter, we believe, will result in higher identification and conviction rates for criminal activity." 

Many people have met the decision with praise, including all your friends, who are glad they won't have to laugh at your ID photos any more.