Archaeologists discover ancient Greeks had “some pretty fucked up fetishes”

The archaeological world is stunned today, after a team of scientists unearthed new evidence that proves that the ancient Greeks and Romans “had some pretty fucked up fetishes”.

The revelation came to light after a dig team found dozens of naked statues in the buried ruins of a home just outside Rome.

“We’ve been digging all day, and already we’ve found several armless naked statues of men and women stashed underneath or inside what we’ve figured out are Roman-era mattresses and sock-drawers,” said dig coordinator and program overseer Doug Biggols. “These artefacts – which are very similar to those on display in museums across the world – prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that these toga-wearing deviants had a pretty depraved sexual appetite."

"I mean, I’ve watched some fucked up porn in my life, but armless amputee porn? That shit is pretty hard-core, man.”

The dig’s findings have since been corroborated by ancient scrolls authored by two young Greek men who – it is thought – lived in the house.

“The dialect and language structure is certainly difficult to decipher from these fragile, faded papers,” said leading translator for the program, Jess Ingames. “But the document clearly translated to something along the lines of, ‘whoa dude, check out the knockers on this one! Phwoar, I’d definitely bang her even though a handjob is totally out of the question.’”

The findings, however, don’t stop there.

“We’ve also found several other statues that prove that most Greek women had a thing for ripped guys with tiny dicks,” said Biggols. “Basically they were turned on by the ancient equivalent of flat-cap-wearing, ‘roid-abusing body builders who go to the gym four times a day.”

This is not the first time such a stunning discovery has been made. In 2013 a similar study unearthed other unsettling indications of strange sexual appetites.

“Back then, we found hundreds of urns and wall murals featuring side-on portraits of men and women,” explained Biggols. “These sick bastards obviously had a massive fetish for one-eyed pornstars."

"And let’s not even get started on the snake-haired ladies and minotaurs and stuff.”

The Greek government has since denied the claims, saying it that that part of their history was “just a phase” and that “anyway, it’s normal for any developing nation to experiment with their sexual fantasies”.

“Besides, they’re not even our statues,” they said in a statement, “they belonged to the Byzantines, we swear, we were just keeping them for them, we’d never look at that kind of stuff, promise! Anyway, at least we aren’t as bad as the Egyptians: those thick bastards communicated entirely in Emojis. Seriously, our data now suggests that the average Egyptian was a 15-year-old girl called Tiffany.”

However, the Greek government now says it has a simple solution to avoid future embarrassments.

“We’re going through our libraries and museums just burning and smashing all the evidence of what our forefathers got up to at 10pm after locking the door and drawing their curtains once their parents had finally left for dinner with the Mulligans,” they said in a prepared statement. “Right now, we think that’s our safest option: just delete our history.”

Nkandla is totally justified and necessary

Police Minister finds that Zuma does not have to pay back any money for the “security upgrades” to his luxury hotel in KwaZulu Natal Province. What do we make of these s-Nkdandla-lous developments? Well, Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen knows: that they’re totally justified and necessary, and that they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the upgrades Zuma still needs.

Pic: John A Forbes from http://www.panoramio.com/photo/84617082
(Attribution; Share-alike license)

My friends, we’ve all heard the news. We’re enraged. We’re furious. How could the Minister of Police – after everything, after the Public Protector’s report, after Parliamentary ruckuses and fights, after all the hundreds of newspaper articles – possibly say that Zuma doesn’t have to pay back anything of the near half a billion rand he spent on his private residence?

Well, the answer is simple: he’s right.

The (correctly arguing) Minister rightfully states that Zuma needs a security amphitheatre – for dignitaries to meet him, and as a security meeting point. If, by chance, the amphitheatre is used for parties or theatrical productions of musical performances, does this at all diminish the security aspect of this addition? If you built a fortress, and then everyone used it for Kurt Darren concerts, would that make it any less of a fortress? No.

The same goes for the installed Security chicken coops and Security cattle kraals. Having been nudged semi-violently by a cow once, I personally know how important it is to keep a barrier between poor defenceless humans – at the whim of these ultimately superior bovine predators, since all we have are better brains, opposable thumbs, critical reasoning and access to tools – and the deadly, bloodthirsty species of cattle and poultry. Those peckers can be blerrie dangerous.

And then we have the security firepool. In this technologically unadvanced day and age, where we don’t have dedicated firefighting services and where we understand nothing about the Dark and Mysterious Hidden Magicks of Fire, how could Zuma possibly defend himself against an out-of-control braai fire? In fact, scientists say that the only reason we add chlorine to our swimming pools is because it’s an excellent flame retardant. Skeptical? Well, I ask you, have you ever seen water that is burning? Of course you haven’t. You’re not Adele.

Friends, all of these upgrades in the Pesky Protectorate’s report are absolutely vital. And what’s more, they are just the first in many upgrades Zuma not only needs, but deserves.

All these additions have been carefully thought out, all aimed at letting Jacob Zuma live in peace, prosperity and, most importantly, safety with his small family of, like, only 100 people. After all, doesn’t the most hated president of our time need this extra protection?

Think about all that he’s done in the past couple of years, and it makes total sense. When it comes to protecting the life and safety of someone as globally reviled as Zuma, who can really say that any safety precaution is an unnecessary extravagance?

I mean, I talk about racism and sexism and misogyny and other non-existent topics once or twice, and I get death threats. Can you imagine what the father of South Africa 2015 must get? Can you imagine how many threats and embittered hate you must rack up if you, oh, I don’t know, keep Angie Motshegka as Minister of Basic Education, or have Blade “#StudentsMustFall” Nzimande as Minister for Tertiary Education? Can you imagine the scorn and contempt that must be heaped on you if you were to go into Parliament and laugh, out loud, at an entire country when they say you’re being a greedy fuck?

No, friends – he needs all of these upgrades, and more. For his own good.

That’s why the rooms are equipped with Security Dolby 3.0 Sound Systems from Sennheiser: to ensure that security warnings can be broadcast around the various mansions, in full surround sound so that no one will underestimate the urgency of the emergency. Of course, without the necessary backup security ultra-HD 4x-resolution Samsung 108-inch TVs in every room, this measure is just not useful or adequate.

Then there’s the Security Pub and grill. This secure location comes equipped with security-expert-formulated liquids all scientifically tested to ensure the security of our president and his families, including but not limited to Security Johnny Walker Blue, DEFCON 1 Glenfiddich, and, of course, NATIONAL EMERGENCY Moët & Chandon Bi Centenary Cuvée Dry Imperial 1943. Add this to an adjoining security kitchen, with food rated five stars in both taste and security, and you can see how this isn’t about a mad agenda of self-serving greed, nor is it an abuse of an uncontrolled system of rampant spending.

And in extreme cases, Zuma and his extended entourage will need a fleet of security vehicles – and these will need to be fast to get away from potential threats. A Security Maserati, perhaps, or a Security Bugatti Veyron, so that they can escape danger to their Security G9 Private Jet.

And finally, in case that the whole country realises his true nature and goes to hell, Zuma will need a safe and secure location to lay low while the danger blows over: a Security Safemansion, on a Security Private Island in the Security Bahamas.

You know, just as long as it's as far as possible from the President's Office of The Republic of South Africa.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like the hideous scourge of immigration, why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.

Pic of Kraal: Creative-commons licence from GovernmentZA, Flickr (GCIS).
Pic of Zuma from Official SA Govt Website.

Gangsters protest school dropouts

Reacting to what it has called “an unfair, hurtful and biased knee-jerk response”, the notorious 28s gang of Cape Town has today protested against the terrible state of education in South Africa, calling on all 12-to-18-year-olds to stay in school and complete their education.

“We have a terrible rep’ in the media,” said 28s gang leader Slevin Tymsfore. “All these community members are attacking us, saying kids are dropping out to join us and that we’re destroying children, their future and our communities. But ask yourself – who the hell would want a kid with no Matric working for them?”

He explained in more depth, pointing out that the Numbers gangs have always had huge respect for education, and that no person in their right mind would trust any simple task in the high-risk crime world to someone with what is not even a minimalist qualification

“Think about it: we run multimillion rand smuggling, drug and racketeering operations. There is no margin for error, no room for mistakes. If someone can’t finish a Matric Maths exam and can barely scratch by in Maths Lit, how can we trust them to count out our blood money, or work out how much flour and talcum powder to cut into the cocaine and heroin?”

"Besides," he added, "you can see what no Matric does to a country. Those okes are right: it's blerrie going to the blerrie dogs, man."

Experts have since agreed wholeheartedly with the gangs’ statements.

“If we look at gang culture, most people would think they’re a bunch of uneducated psychopaths with massive drug addictions and their shorts five inches too low,” said Head of the Anthropology Department at the University of Cape Town, Di Aspora. “But really, you would actually need tertiary education to succeed in this lifestyle. You need a master’s level understanding of economics to understand the fluctuations of supply and demand and how international drug busts and police action affect product quality, supply and price; you need sociology to know how the groupings work and who not to ‘diss’; you need physics and anatomy to know where to shoot a guy to kill him instead of making another 50 Cent; and you need language and linguistics to be able to understand exactly which words to use to describe how much of a trippin’ skank-ass bitch that nasty trick hoe is.”

In light of this controversy, the Department of Education has announced plans to “modernise and reboot” exams to be more culturally and socially relevant.

“Look at the old exams: ‘if John has R128 and apples cost R8, Oranges cost R12 and bananas cost R4, what is the optimum ratio of fruit he can get to maximise his expenditure?’ I mean, who the hell ever thinks like that in a shop?” said Head of the DOE Noah Bhooks. “This makes far more sense: ‘Those motherfuckin’ balla tricks from the 26s have cut in on your turf. If a dime of coke sells R800, and you and your 7 homies can move 5 keys a week, and an illegal assault rifle costs R3000 with bullets at R4 a pop, how many days of dope pushing will it take to make back your losses AND clean out your tuft of those bitch-ass punks, assuming they are undercutting you at R600 a dime and that it takes a full mag to cut down each of the 42 invading foo’s?’”

Teachers and community leaders everywhere have praised the move.

”Lots of people attack and undermine what studying to be a gangster, saying it’s easy and a waste of time,” said local resident Jerry Hatrick. “Kinda like a BA. However, at least with this, my kid will make lots of money instead of being perpetually broke, have excellent employment opportunities and great upward mobility, and sell drugs instead of taking them at trance parties to ‘experiment and gain a deeper understanding of the human condition.’”

However, the DOE was quick to reassure those without a Matric or formal education who still want to be a part of an organised crime syndicate that they can still apply for a position in the Cabinet of Ministers or their local municipality.

Swaziland witches protest govt flight restriction

The Swaziland Association for Witchcraft and Wizardry has this morning announced plans for a series of strikes and protest actions against the Swaziland government following its controversial decision to restrict all witches from flying above 150m.

The flight altitude restrictions, which were put into law last week, would fine any lawbreaking masters of muti, the dark arts or black magic R500 000 for going over the newly imposed limit.

"It's backwards and utterly ridiculous to put in such a law. It makes no sense," said Swaziland citizen Matt Henderson, who asked not to be named. "No one would have ever thought that such a law would even be entertained by citizens and lawmakers - I mean, we all know Swazi witches use their brooms to fling potions at houses and perform incantations, not fly."

The Swaziland government, however, is adamant that such a move is necessary.

"We can't have sorcery in plane engines," said Civil Aviation Authority spokeswoman Seess Wichcroft. "The tokoloshe-bringing hazards they pose on ground-level must not be allowed in the skies." He added, however, that witches were still free to fly below this level. "We don't want the people of other countries to think we're backwards, anti-progressive and witchophobic."

However, the law has been extensively critised by the Sangoma and N'anga Association of Southern Africa.

"Many of our members are not evil witches, but are still grouped under this hurtful law. Some of them make a fair amount of their money protecting would-be air travellers from the dangers of modern aviation," said Chairwizard Aldus Bumblemoore. "We also have a ten-year contract to provide muti application processes to all the 747s and A-380s in the Swazi fleet." This, said Bumblemoore, constitutes an illegal reversal of a contractual agreement, as the airlines argue that they no longer need protection.

He went to outline the dangers of this arguement. "You see, they haven't yet passed legislature restircting the operational limits of tokoloshes and evil spirits. Unless we have formal laws and limitations on where these insidious creatures can practice their trickery, passengers are still in danger."

The government declined to comment on the matter, saying that they were still waiting for their bone-throwers and intestine-readers to get back to them with an official response.

Countrywide protests prove there is no Education "crisis"

Media experts have officially debunked the existence of a so-called “education crisis” in South Africa, after tens of thousands of learners, parents and teachers took to the streets to demonstrate just how much they actually don’t need teachers or a formal education system.

“Despite all the mythical ‘difficulties’ and ‘obstacles’ before them, like ‘no text books’, ‘overcrowded classes’ and ‘a lack of quality teachers or teacher support by government’, all these hundreds and hundreds of people managed to organise themselves into a decent demonstration complete with handcrafted placards that had not even a single spelling mistake or grammar error in them,” said media analyst Jeremy Maggs. “I think we can all see how everyone is blowing this ‘education scandal’ a little out of proportion,” he said, before adding that realistically someone under the so-called ‘crisis’ would probably spell it “teechaz”, “demokracy” or “edukashin”.

Learners turned out in their hundreds in a
Grahamstown education protest to show
how badly they don't need teachers
pic - Joshua Oates

He went on to suggest that school should in future include more formal on-the-street training in all children’s education programs.

“We really should organise more strikes,” he said. “They bring such a sense of community and togetherness. We need to get these children out of the dangerous and overcrowded, underfunded and dilapidated gang- and disease-infested hellholes that the government forces us to call ‘schools’ and into the relatively cleaner, relatively safer streets.”

He expounded on the fallacies that were immediately apparent once you took an in-depth look at reportage on the ‘schools crisis’.

“Here we have one article,” he said, holding up a copy of The Herald, “that says some students say they have classes crammed with over 100 learners. This is definite proof there is no crisis: these kids can count up to 100 and beyond! I know a guy in the gym who breaks down his exercises into four sets of ten because he can’t go past 30.”

“And here,” he said turning to a similar paragraph of lies in the lie factory propaganda The Mail and Guardian, “it says that teachers forged their qualifications and teaching permits to get their jobs. If anything, that makes them overqualified to work in most branches of government.”

Many signs and placards showed off how extra spending
on government schools and education would be wasteful
pic - Joshua Oates

If anything, he concluded, South Africa is in dire need of less education – a promise that the Department of Education has been working tirelessly for years

“We are doing everything we can to make society a better place by eliminating the scourge of education,” said the Department of Education in a statement. “Our pass rate is 30%, we let you fail two subjects, and we have manadatory Life Orientation classes that are basically all about how sex is dangerous and drugs are bad and how you will die if you even think about them. It is only though open-minded, forward-thinking initiative like these – as well as our fitting placement of Angie Motsheka as Minister of Basic Education – that make us what we are.”

Head of the DoE, Kwala Fikayshun agreed.

pic- Joshua Oates

“Right now, we are in the golden age of South Africa,” he said. “We are a world leader in many things. We have the world’s biggest parliament, the world’s richest rich in comparison to our poorest poor, and in terms of education we are beating Angola and Egypt and Honduras! They have all the advantages in the world to beat us in this specific competition, and yet we still outclass them. If we want this legacy of success to continue in years to come, we need to start now.

Those wishing to contribute to the DoE’s plan should forget how to read. Right now, our reporters are doing their bit by forgetting the correct way to go about spelling, grammar and KaoadjfJKbfk29kdhf.

Muse and Abuse would like to thank Joshua Oates of Rhodes University for his photographs of the education protest in Grahamstown

Next Nkandla to be built entirely out of money

Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”

“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”

He explained

"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."

He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.

“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”

pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom,
which are being kept in the Federal Reserve

For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.

“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”

Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”

“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”

Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.

“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”

However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.

“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”

When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”

Government doesn't steal R10 million

In a shocking turn of developments yesterday afternoon, the government didn't steal R10 million.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, the cash was just lying there in an account that official record keepers had totally forgotten about.

"It was earmarked for 'corruption policymaking' or 'education sector development', which was probably why everyone had forgotten it was there," said one man, Ted Manners. 

Since the report, an inquiry has revealed that some 42 MPs and 13 municipality leaders knew about the available millions, but made no discernible move to take it."

Over 55 people knew about this money, and they all didn't touch it," said the inquiry. "As such, this is the greatest step forward in South African politics since '94."

he government has been quick to respond to the matter, saying that it is outraged such a thing could have even been conceived to occur.

"We don't know why or how this happened, but we can assure the people of South Africa that we are doing everything in our power to ensure it doesn't happen again," said government spokesperson Mike Ash.

"We have a very widely-accepted image to uphold, and we want everyone to get the level of governance that they've always voted for."

Government to change ID photo policy

Following social media developments and the advent of instagram, the South African government is implementing a new passport and ID photo policy.

"We use these documents to try and identify you," said the press release. "But actually no one looks anything at all like what they do on facebook and twitter."

When asked for comment, the Minister of Passport Photos and Women said that it's a reasonable move. 

"My son's passport makes him look like an upstanding, contributing member of society. But I know the truth.On facebook and twitter, he's a drunken alcoholic misanthrope who never wears anything but beaters and sunglasses."

The government has since published new guidelines concerning these legal documents.

"Filters, many people in one shot, badly cropped pics, selfies, duckface... these are all preferable to normal, face-on profile shots," it said.

Artist's impression of future ID documents

The document went on to outline the benefits of these.

"Using these pictures in conjunction with facebook and twitter, we believe, will result in higher identification and conviction rates for criminal activity." 

Many people have met the decision with praise, including all your friends, who are glad they won't have to laugh at your ID photos any more.