Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”
“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”
He explained
"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."
He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.
“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”
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| pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom, which are being kept in the Federal Reserve |
For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.
“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”
Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”
“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”
Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.
“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”
However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.
“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”
When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”
