New Medical Aid scheme to cover cost of dying in crowded public hospital waiting room

Citizens are in grand-mal seizures of joy this morning, after medical insurance companies announced a partnership aimed at providing “comprehensive coverage for normal people who use - and die in - public hospitals.”

“We all know that the wealthy and well-to-do are totally covered whenever they have a serious incident, but what about poor people queuing up in our ramshackle public hospitals?” said spokesperson for the medical insurance partnership, Charlie Tanquack. “There’s a massive market of hundreds of thousands of South Africans who have these kinds of experiences – and we just want to be there for them and their monthly premiums.”

Tanquack says that, while most medical insurance schemes would just work out some way to drop you as a client as soon as massive bills come in, this new offering would at least cover the cost of dying in an overcrowded hospital ward as you wait for a liver transport that will never come.

“We’re looking to provide comprehensive cover of all your public hospital experiences,” he explained, “whether it’s slowly succumbing to your stab wounds in a broken chair four rows away from the unmanned admissions desk as a bored desk clerk undertakes an uninspired search for your missing hospital records, or finally losing a long and painful struggle in a thin, filthy bed to what is in reality an easily treatable bacterial infection.”

Doctors have since praised the Aid scheme, saying it is guaranteed to cover of all the typical medical errors low-income citizens can expect from the underfunded, overworked public medical professionals who have to cope with inexperienced, badly sourced staff and poorly supported and overcrowded facilities.

“Obviously they can’t just give you good, affordable access to quality medical care that would ensure the safety and health of you and your loved ones,” said head oncologist and senior MD at Groot Schuur Hospital, Dr Skanye Falumps. “No, that would be entirely contrary to the very idea of a Medical Aid. But what they can do is make sure that you’re at least comfortably in your last, otherwise easily preventable and curable moments. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been prescribed Panado and Rennies for a broken back, or been told your AIDS can be cured without the help of Antiretroviral medicine. They’re there for you.”

And in a bold move, Medicaid is proud to announce that they’ll fully support the costs of euthanasia – with no extra cost.

"I think we can agree that paying for that expensive treatment to cure your affliction is totally impossibly,” said Dr Tanquack. “But we’re sure that with this gesture towards our terminally ill clients, we will show you exactly how much you are worth to us.”

Nkandla report now "least read thing on the planet"

Public Protector Thuli Madonsela is to be honoured with a prestigious global award this week, after her highly-anticipated Nkandla Report, entitled "Secure in Comfort", narrowly beat the Ten Commandments, most parts of Academic readings given to University students and 99.5463% of Facebook statuses and Tweets to become the "Least Read Thing Currently On The Planet."

According to Dr Ihg Noars of the Selection Committee for These Kinds of Awards, Madonsela defeated many thousands of other, equally important documents such as Parliamentary Bills, Legislatural Proposals, critical news reports and extensive newspaper reportage to cinch the coveted trophy.

"Everyone is arguing about it, throwing around the phrases 'Nkandla' this and 'report' that and it generally defines the current South African focus in all aspects of our society - social, political, digital and Office-Water-Cooler-ial," he said to gathered reporters who also hadn't read the full report and just skimmed bits and pieces here and there, early this morning, "but who has actually read it? Not even me."

However, Noars was quick to point out that Madonsela had only narrowly beat her closest competitor - the website where the report is available for full download, www.publicprotector.org/library/investigation_report/2013-14/Final%20Report%2019%20March%202014%20.pdf - to snatch up the honour.

"It was flippen' close," he said.

However, the decision to award Madonsela the covetted title has been heatedly protested and refuted by many others, including Apple, Inc. and those people who hand out fliers for Traditional Healers, gold merchants and cheap plumbing services on the sides of roads and pavements outside stores.

"Years and years of well-documented statistical fact show that it is not the Nkandal report, or even the Public Protector website, that is the least read thing on the planet," said Apple executive CEO Hugh Wurriptof, "but our Legal Terms and Agreements and Conditions of Use documents. How many thousands of times have people just clicked 'Accept' without knowing that they've agreed to, when we want, take all their personal data, possetions and internal organs? Literally millions."

In spite of this, thousands of South Africans and ANC Ministers and Members of Parliament have backed Madonsela's claim, saying that she "utterly deserves this award."

"It is literally my job to read this document so that I can serve the public to the best of my ability," said ANC Minister of Blindly Defending an Untenable Position on the ANC's Mass Pilliaging of State Funds Slip Ery-slohps. "I mean, I've shouted at people in Parliament about how the President is blameless and not guilty, and I don't even know what - if anything - he has been accused of."

Madonsela is expected to be conferred this presitigious award next week.

"I'm happy to receive this award," she said to the gathered audience in a statement that no one will ever take the time to fully read, and instead just rely on news sites like this to get the gist of, "but maybe someone can read it? Pretty please?"