Citizens are in grand-mal seizures of joy this morning, after medical insurance companies announced a partnership aimed at providing “comprehensive coverage for normal people who use - and die in - public hospitals.”
“We all know that the wealthy and well-to-do are totally covered whenever they have a serious incident, but what about poor people queuing up in our ramshackle public hospitals?” said spokesperson for the medical insurance partnership, Charlie Tanquack. “There’s a massive market of hundreds of thousands of South Africans who have these kinds of experiences – and we just want to be there for them and their monthly premiums.”
Tanquack says that, while most medical insurance schemes would just work out some way to drop you as a client as soon as massive bills come in, this new offering would at least cover the cost of dying in an overcrowded hospital ward as you wait for a liver transport that will never come.
“We’re looking to provide comprehensive cover of all your public hospital experiences,” he explained, “whether it’s slowly succumbing to your stab wounds in a broken chair four rows away from the unmanned admissions desk as a bored desk clerk undertakes an uninspired search for your missing hospital records, or finally losing a long and painful struggle in a thin, filthy bed to what is in reality an easily treatable bacterial infection.”
Doctors have since praised the Aid scheme, saying it is guaranteed to cover of all the typical medical errors low-income citizens can expect from the underfunded, overworked public medical professionals who have to cope with inexperienced, badly sourced staff and poorly supported and overcrowded facilities.
“Obviously they can’t just give you good, affordable access to quality medical care that would ensure the safety and health of you and your loved ones,” said head oncologist and senior MD at Groot Schuur Hospital, Dr Skanye Falumps. “No, that would be entirely contrary to the very idea of a Medical Aid. But what they can do is make sure that you’re at least comfortably in your last, otherwise easily preventable and curable moments. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been prescribed Panado and Rennies for a broken back, or been told your AIDS can be cured without the help of Antiretroviral medicine. They’re there for you.”
And in a bold move, Medicaid is proud to announce that they’ll fully support the costs of euthanasia – with no extra cost.
"I think we can agree that paying for that expensive treatment to cure your affliction is totally impossibly,” said Dr Tanquack. “But we’re sure that with this gesture towards our terminally ill clients, we will show you exactly how much you are worth to us.”
