I didn’t want third term – Zuma

A contrite and sheepish Zuma shocked reporters at a press conference, after he admitted that his whole first two terms in government were an attempt to make people never vote him back into office and that “he didn’t even want another term anyway”.

“Someone once said that with great power comes great responsibility,” he told gathered reporters who were desperately trying to work out if this was some advanced form of satire or not. “I was thrust into a position where, no matter what I did, no matter what accusations or criminal charges were brought against me, no matter how much money I siphoned off from my people and what ridiculous things I said, I would still be assured the loyal, undying support of thousands of people – even those who were directly being harmed or disadvantaged by my actions. No one should have that kind of power. It’ll destroy your soul.”

Zuma went on to outline how, upon hearing his ascendency to power, he knew he had to save South Africa by getting himself out the pilot’s seat.

“In my first term, I started this long ordeal. After the Arms Deal controversy, the whole rape accusations and ridiculous shower comments denying AIDS, I started diverting millions of Rands into my own private residence in Nkandla all at the taxpayers' expense when everyone in the village around me were still mired in dire, abject poverty, struggling to eat and fine employment… I thought people would be able to see how grossly unqualified and unsuitable I was to run a country. Hell, I called a swimming pool ‘an emergency fire pool’ for godsakes!” he said.

Even this, he said, was not enough.

“Still, they marched and wore the yellow T-shirt and voted,” he said. “And still I was President. After that, I knew drastic action was necessary.”

Zuma told how he immediately increased the size of his Cabinet despite the economic situation of South Africa, and that he also reinstated Angie Motshekga and Bheki Cele.

“I took practically the two biggest mistakes in South Africa today, with their ‘there is no school crisis’ and ‘shoot to kill’ bullshit, and gave them back their old jobs. Surely, now people will realise what's going on?”

Zuma is now hopeful that his path of destruction will eventually teach South Africans to choose a better calibre of leader – but he is increasingly worried it still won’t be enough.

“People ask me, 'iJacob, why can't you just tell people? Why do you have to be a massive dick - not that Brett Murray thinks that - to change voters' minds?' and I tell them, 'sometimes telling a child not to play with pots of boiling water is enough. Sometimes you have to let them burn themselves so that they never repeat that mistake.' To tell the truth, I’m crossing fingers, but it’s not looking good,” he admitted. “Sure, a lot of other parties are making inroads toward securing a larger voting percentage, but at this stage I might have to be President for at least one more term.”

He added, however, that he was committed to ‘reeducating South Africans’.

“You’ll see how serious I am in my second term,” he told reporters. “I can promise you that, by 2020, you’ll be begging me to leave.

Zuma leaves today for Johannesburg to kick off the second month of his Second Term, where he will personally drown a basket of kittens at Nomfezo Orphanage in Soweto.

Next Nkandla to be built entirely out of money

Following the controversial announcements by Jacob Zuma of another State-funded expensive money-hole to be built next to his existing State-funded money-hole, the ANC has today assured South Africans of all kinds (beloved comrades and counterrevolutionary sellouts alike) that this next project would be constructed entirely out of pure money and thus “far, far cheaper than before.”

“We might have gone just a teensy, tiny bit over budget that last time, you know, what with the fire pools and security chicken coops and anti-theft cattle kraals and defense tuckshops,” said head architect Affyieu de Zynflauz, “but this time around we’ll save millions and millions of Rands by just making the whole house out of money.”

He explained

"Before, we had a lot of 'scope creep' and disagreements about budgets and final costs. We'd put aside money for bricks and cement, only to see that it actually cost double. This way, if we want a million rand worth of bricks, it will definitely only cost us a million rand. Plus architect's fee, of course."

He laid out his plans, detailing how each cost-cutting method would save stacks of taxpayers’ rands.

“Gone are the days of bricks and concrete blocks and foundations,” he said. “We’ll just get stacks and stacks for R200 notes and tie them together with elastic bands and use those. There’s a reason why they are called ‘bricks’ of money, don’t you know? And for concrete we won’t use expensive concrete and mortar. We’ll just shred thousand-Rand government bonds into a slurry of molten gold and diamond powder. That will give a strong foundation unlike any other, unmatched in its low, low cost.”

pictured: the bricks to be used on the main bedroom,
which are being kept in the Federal Reserve

For the roofing and fencing, however, de Zynflauz said they were still at their wits end.

“Right now we’re trying to decide between hand-carved slats imported from Italy made out of illegal whale and elephant ivory, or a more traditional and relatively less costly fibrous matting made from pounded Black Rhino horn. Right now, we’re not sure which is cheaper.”

Meanwhile, the country’s economists have praised the decision, saying that they are glad that “some sense has finally kicked in.”

“This is what we have been waiting for,” said Economist Magazine editor Luke Satgraafs. “A leadership that not only learns from its mistakes, but one that has the ability to see how they have been wasting billions of Rands and cutting that needless and wasteful expenditure with measured, reasonable alterations to their building plans.”

Economists now predict that the Super Nkandla will cost only half as much as the last one.

“We’re going to see thousands and thousands of Rands made immediately available for other public projects and infrastructure and also immediately diverted into personal checking accounts and siphoned off to inlaws and nephews loosely tied into the construction company who won the tender,” said Satgraafs. “The GDP, IRI and EXP, as well as a whole other bunch of acronyms, should double, because graphs and numbers.”

However, since the announcement, even President Jacob Zuma himself has stepped forward to assure South Africans that this next project will be much less wasteful.

“I’m even considering having a normal-people toilet installed in one of the thirty-eight guest rooms,” he said in a show of humility and personal connection unseen since his inauguration. “You know, maybe in the one by the pure platinum emergency fire extinguisher Jacuzzi, or in the three-bedroom house where we store emergency air next to the anti-intruder bowling alley and emergency panic shopping mall?”

When asked for clarity, he said, “no, not ‘a normal-people toilet’ as in ‘a reeking cat-hole in the ground that hasn’t been cleaned out for thirty years’. You know, a real, proper flushing one. With a shower next to it… on second thoughts, don’t mention the shower. Zapiro might be reading this.”