Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Hero teen saves school from disaster

Courageous jock prevents massive mass-shooting by befriending that fucking weird fedora-wearing dipstick Eugene Falentes.

Mourning and heaped praise echo across the halls of Metro bay High school today, after 17-year-old sports star, cafeteria jokester and all-round-beloved senior Chad Chaddings saved his peers from ‘unfathomable tragedy’ by befriending “that weirdo who would probably have slaughtered us all sometime in the next six months”.

Chaddings, who is being hailed as a “true icon of heroism”, bravely averted a mass shooting or serial knifings and suicide at the very least by making friends with the gigantic loser and showing him basic human decency.

Teachers and peers recalled Chaddings’s last moments with tears in their eyes.

“We all knew it had to happen, but we never knew he’d be so brave about it,” said the guy who gives Chad his Maths homework to copy after football practice. “He just walked right up to that mouth-breathing, bespectacled, braces-wearing creep and was like, ‘Hey, Eugene, you wanna hang out after school?’.”

Pictured: that fucking weird kid Eugene.
Goddamn nerd.

Chaddings’s friends say that he was staunch and unflinching in his sacrifice, even when Eugene said yes and excitedly started explaining the rules of that fucking weird boardgame he and those other friendless losers from Grade 11 like to play in their ‘Secret Clubhouse’ in his mom’s basement.

However, learners at the medium-sized high school say they knew this day was coming – that it was only a matter of time until someone had to befriend him.

“This day was inevitable, ever since he first asked Billy Erikson in first grade to trade Pokemon cards, and then asked him if he’d like some of this packed vegan soy-bean lunch, his place low, low down on the social ladder was cemented,” said the school’s History teacher Miss Evensen. “We all knew that, thanks to the rigourous social hierarchy of our school, one day someone would have to bite the bullet and treat him with kindness and compassion so that he didn’t crack and blow us all away with his father’s automatic rifle collection. I just can’t believe this day has come so soon.”

“You know, sometimes I still see Chad’s ghost roaming the schoolhalls,” said long-time friend Huhg Jassohl. “He still wanders these halls, reading - eugh - books and expressing an interest in things like learning.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Jassohl continued.

“I mean, I know the shadow of his former self says stuff like ‘Eugene is just misunderstood’ and ‘Once you get to know someone, you realise how judging a book by its cover is so wrong’ – but hey, that's exactly the kind of thing that kind of a Naruto-watching weeboo piece of uncool scum would say.”

However, with mounting ostracism and public shunning of Chaddings, the school board has now expressed worries that soon it’ll be time to put another student on the altar of offerings.

“Now that Chad is a shunned, tormented dipshit that no one likes because of his obvious rejection of the status quo – you know, basically another Eugene - what’s to stop him shooting up the school?” said Principal Davids.

“I mean, someone’s gonna have to befriend that massive weirdo.”

Ban unhealthy smoking in bars, say disgruntled alcoholics

A countrywide ban on smoking in bars is now a distinct possibility, after the binge-drinking community came together a unanimous front aimed at ending “disgusting, dangerous and unhealthy smoking”.

Weekend bar-goers now say that it’s time they put a stop to the health-destroying and irresponsible risks associated with second-hand smoke.

“The risks of lung cancer, emphysema and other respiratory or pulmonary diseases is just unacceptable, especially in children,” said 48-year-old bargoer Courtiney Chand. “How can we possibly sleep at night when there are potentially hundreds of 15- and 16-year-olds in bars across the country being exposed to the affronting and live-threatening drug that is cigarettes?”

Bar patrons across the nation are now calling for a unilateral ban on smoking in any public bar or late-night drinking hole.

“The smokers are putting us all at unnecessary risk, and endangering the health and lives of everyone around them,” said founder of the antismoking organisation Down-Down With Smoking, Sam Buka. “It’s just ridiculous – you’ve only been in the bar for a few minutes, you’ve only had your first of seven tequila shots, and already you stink of smoke. Lord knows how all those fumes are affecting your health.”

Other drinkers agree.

“It’s so awful – last weekend I absolutely stank of smoke after just a dozen beers,” said 26-year-old Kay Nansoda. “It was so disgusting that while I was driving home on the N2 I just had to pull out my phone and message all my friends telling them how reckless and uncaring about the health and safety of others all these smokers are.”

And with bar owners and bartenders standing behind their customers, lawmakers say a municipal bylaw outlawing these deathsticks could be just around the corner.

“We just want to create a safe space for our clients,” said bar owner Cyril Siss. “We want our decades-loyal customers to be able to come to their weekend binges, drink litres of vodka and go home alone with strangers to have unprotected sex, without having to worry about second-hand smoke threatening their health or safety - and that's all we'll settle for: no ifs, ands, or butts.”

We need to ban Gay Marriage right now

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen presents his most compelling argument against the society-destroying scourge of gay marriage: a cautionary tale we should learn from if we want to stop Satan polluting our beautiful country.

Gay Marriage. It’s a subject that divides us all – unless you’re a man and a man, that is. I’m sure by now we have heard the age-old arguments from the bleeding-heart liberals. And they’re clever arguments, I have to admit. Ingeniously veiled under a shroud of pretence, claiming in carefully constructed, logically sound arguments that it’s a move towards a more truly equal society.

Or so it seems.

But friends, no amount of facts can sway the ugly, dark truth: we’ve been sold a lie, and now it’s time to take it back to the pink, rainbow-velvet curtained store and ask for a full refund.

It destroys the sanctity of marriage

Marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman. I can tell you quite honestly that the sanctity of my first three marriages has been outright ruined by the unions of hundreds of people I’ve never met and will never cross paths with at any stage during the rest of my life.

And please, don’t oh-so-cleverly quote my ex-wives and say I had “multiple affairs” with “that skank from the office”. Gay marriage was legalised years ago – years before any of my marriages, whether we're talking about the first shotgun marriage, the second one that afforded us fantastic tax and housing allowances, or the third one I got because she had a passport that wasn't green. How could I respect my union if its sanctity had been utterly compromised decades before? I fear that my fourth and upcoming marriage (after she leaves her husband so we can be finally be together in public and not just in a cramped, sweaty supplies cupboard) will forever be tarnished. And all because of “the law”.

Gay marriage makes people gay

Remember how in the 1950s in America they banned laws preventing white people and black people getting married, and almost immediately every woman in America married a black man? Well, we’re seeing the same thing today, except with people who have similar genitalia.

Take my son, for example.

Johan Junior used to be just the red-blooded meat-eating rugby-playing bugger any dad would be proud of using as a tool to belittle their co-workers’ children and emasculate every oke in the bar. He was never, ever gay before gay marriage was a thing. In fact, he used to frequently express homophobic slurs and call everyone within earshot a “moffie poof”. When he went into his twenties, he could outdrink everyone, any day of the week. Hell, he could put away booze like a fish in water. Even when he was sitting at home crying in self-loathing while deleting his internet browser history.

Now he tells me he's also gay. I mean, this is what the Gay Agenda wants: to make us all gay. And worse than that, it wants to brainwash us into saying things like "no dad, this is who I've been all along" and "I hated gays because I hated what I was, but now I've come to accept that this is who I am" and even "this is my boyfriend, Steve. Be nice, dad". It likes to pretend that all it wants is a society that doesn't hate people for their sexual orientation, but my friends, we're not going to let the wool be pulled over out eyes (because that sounds like something kinky a gay oke would do).

Why else would I sometimes see John Smit in that rock-climbing shower gel advert and feel certain feelings? Some may say my insecurity in my own sexuality and the subsequent projection of this self-loathing onto people who have nothing to do with me shows me that I maybe have to do some difficult soul-searching - I say that it's the blerrie gay agenda working its fairy dust magicks.

The Bible says it’s wrong

Lots of people laugh at this one, but it’s right there in the Bible. Right there, between the bit about never cutting your hair and not eating crab or shellfish . No, AFTER the part about being allowed to sell your female relatives into slavery. Yes, there, BEFORE the part justifying genocide. See?

What is more true than the Bible? (Except maybe this column, haha). When has religion ever been wrong about anything? When has the church – or any other religion – done something awful in the name of its faith? Never. The Muslims and Jews might be going to burn in hell for all eternity while I sit at Jesus’s right hand (not in a gay way), but at least we all agree that we’ll definitely see gays there.

Moral Degeneration

Every generation has been going slowly to hell, according to the generation before it – and never has this been more true than right now. Just look at the world right before Gay Marriage was made legal: it was a utopian paradise, a beautiful child’s daydream of heavenly euphoria and ceaseless joy – a world where war was impossible and Moral Decency was internationally prevalent.

And now? We can’t even move for stories about disease, war, famine, death, murder, terrorism and - God, dare I say it - Woolworths running out of salmon. Just a coincidence, a correlation – or statistical causation?

I think we all know the answer to that.

After all this, it’s clear to see that South Africa – and indeed the world – needs a wake-up call. If we want to live in peace, prosperity, and universal tolerance - a wondrous era of Moral Good and Golden Era Values of decency and love, then we need to chase these flippen’ gays out and push them to very brink of society and make it illegal to even hug a man unless it’s the Currie Cup final and the Blou Bulle win.

At the end of the day, the only acceptable same-sex marriage is where a man has the same sex with the same woman for the rest of his life.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit.

Gun debate sees massive changes to US schooling

As the gun debate heats up in the United States of America, teachers, principals and students are seeing a huge set of sweeping changes aimed at securing their educational spaces and lessening the chance of future tragedies.

“It’s been a while since the last mass shooting,” said principal of Bay High in Utah, Luke Hanlode. “Really, when you look at the historical statistical data, we’re about three months overdue for the next senseless slaughter of preschool, highschool or university students and their teachers. We must act now.”

And while principals and gun lobbyists agree that banning the sale of fully-automatic firearms and increasing the depth, number and frequency of background checks and firearm safety and proficiency tests would do “absolutely nothing” to lower the likelihood of an incident, they say there is much that schools can do to prevent being the next iteration of World-wide breaking news.

“We already care about our children’s safety, which is why we have things like drug awareness campaigns, road safety classes and self defense courses like Karate and Judo,” said one teacher, “but we need to step it up. We need gun classes in school. Our kids don’t need a blackbelt. They need a bandolier and holster. We could make it fun: just think, Trigger-nometry.”

Publishers and book houses are already hard at work 'remastering' much-beloved classics to teach kids the necessary skills every school-going American child needs.

This is not all, they said.

“The answer is counterintuitive but simple: more guns,” said a spokesperson for the National Rifle Association. “Armed guards in the hallways. Teachers with concealed carry permits. Snipers in the football lights. Automated sentry guns on the CCTV cameras. We need to think of our children’s safety. If we weren’t wasting money on unnecessary Public Health and Obamacare, we would be able to reallocate funds into our always-cut Military Defense budget and arm every child.”

Though teachers have commented on the possible risk of actually being the one who blows all their students away because that little shit Billy in Grade 6 Maths won’t Shut The Fuck Up for ten seconds and never hands in any homework, they agree that it’s a risk they’re willing to take.

“We need to put their interests first,” said Maths teacher. “Even if teaching sometimes makes me think, ‘these psychopaths may have had a point.’”

Companies across the country have jumped on the bandwagon, and are now offering protection aimed at young Jane or Jimmy.

“With our new line of bulletproof children’s clothing and Kevlar-lined sunhats, as well as fun and exciting rebranding on our most popular lines of firearms, not only will you be protecting little Timmy from brain-destroying high-velocity fragmentation, low-caliber projectiles and the deadly Ultra-violet rays of the sun,” said a company statement by military supplier Arma Inc, "but you'll also be bringing yourself just that little bit more peace and comfort."

"Machine-washable and stain resistant, the fibre is a breeze to clean, and its breathable material means your child won’t feel hot and bothered any time, whether he is kicking a ball around with his friends or running for his life through the blood-soaked halls of his once innocent schoolgrounds.”

Only one thing remains certain, however: this debate is not one that has any easy fixes.

“Some people think that just banning guns will sort out the problem, but guns don’t kill people. People do," said one resident, who said that that argument doesn't equally apply to poison or Class 5 illegal narcotics or Biological and Chemical weapons. "You want to ban guns? Well, just look at godless hellholes like Australia and Britain. Do we want to go down that same, socialist road?"

He shook his head and pumped another depleted-uranium pyrophoric armour-piercing high-velocity explosive-tipped thermobaric anti-tank round into his fully automatic shotgun. "I'd rather die. Or, in this particular case, that my children die."

Pic (my edit) composed of Public Domain images and Ak47 by Burnyburnout and Rebel (inserted) from Al Jazeera Creative Commons

Swaziland witches protest govt flight restriction

The Swaziland Association for Witchcraft and Wizardry has this morning announced plans for a series of strikes and protest actions against the Swaziland government following its controversial decision to restrict all witches from flying above 150m.

The flight altitude restrictions, which were put into law last week, would fine any lawbreaking masters of muti, the dark arts or black magic R500 000 for going over the newly imposed limit.

"It's backwards and utterly ridiculous to put in such a law. It makes no sense," said Swaziland citizen Matt Henderson, who asked not to be named. "No one would have ever thought that such a law would even be entertained by citizens and lawmakers - I mean, we all know Swazi witches use their brooms to fling potions at houses and perform incantations, not fly."

The Swaziland government, however, is adamant that such a move is necessary.

"We can't have sorcery in plane engines," said Civil Aviation Authority spokeswoman Seess Wichcroft. "The tokoloshe-bringing hazards they pose on ground-level must not be allowed in the skies." He added, however, that witches were still free to fly below this level. "We don't want the people of other countries to think we're backwards, anti-progressive and witchophobic."

However, the law has been extensively critised by the Sangoma and N'anga Association of Southern Africa.

"Many of our members are not evil witches, but are still grouped under this hurtful law. Some of them make a fair amount of their money protecting would-be air travellers from the dangers of modern aviation," said Chairwizard Aldus Bumblemoore. "We also have a ten-year contract to provide muti application processes to all the 747s and A-380s in the Swazi fleet." This, said Bumblemoore, constitutes an illegal reversal of a contractual agreement, as the airlines argue that they no longer need protection.

He went to outline the dangers of this arguement. "You see, they haven't yet passed legislature restircting the operational limits of tokoloshes and evil spirits. Unless we have formal laws and limitations on where these insidious creatures can practice their trickery, passengers are still in danger."

The government declined to comment on the matter, saying that they were still waiting for their bone-throwers and intestine-readers to get back to them with an official response.

Schools ban "racist, classist" Chess

It has been a fantastic day for equal rights, after schools around the world announced their decision to finally ban the overtly racist and classist piece of offensive intolerance disguised as a board game, Chess.

“Just look at the game,” said Headmaster of Checkerton High School, Chek Mayt, “It’s all about kings and queens forcing the poor proletariat pawns around a board, and about whites fighting blacks to control a limited bit of territory. We’re just glad we can finally throw this Nazi-esque piece of crude pro-supremacy propaganda in the bin.”

Chess, as we all know, was invented by 1623 by Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, who came up with the concept after realising how charred or polished bones of innocent men and women could each be carved into different little figurines for use in board games aimed at whiling away the quiet moments between public executions. Chess was preceded by the far more bigoted Backgammon (a word which derives from the Old Latin, Bacchus Gammonius, meaning “slaughter of innocents”) which involved impaling white and black pieces on different colour spikes, with the winner being the one who can get rid of their particular ethic group the fastest.

Mayt is just one of many Education professionals who stand by the new ban. He added that what made the game even more like a mini Apartheid was how some pieces, like the Bishop, are forced to always remain on their specific coloured area.

“What are we trying to teach our kids? That we are all just expendable, exploited pieces on the board of life, divided up by the colour of our skin and never allowed by society to leave our predefined roles or change our lot in life? What if a rook wants to move in an ‘L’ shape? What if a pawn wants to take a step to the side? What if a king doesn’t want to sacrifice his subjects in a pointless war that has no real purpose or reason except racial hatred and territorial disputes?”

Schools have for a number of years now been trying to slowly marginalise chess out of their hallways through covert operations, but they say that it has not yet proven successful, and that there was finally no other choice than drastic action.

“We used to pay kids to beat up the smaller kids who played this game between AP Maths and Advance Chemistry, calling them ‘nerds’ and ‘dorks’ in the hopes that they would bow to peer pressure and social norms and give up the game, but it’s still played today,” said Mayt. “Extreme measures are necessary. If we want to teach our kids tolerance and acceptance, we have to ban this game and condemn anyone who plays it.”

Some theorists are now trying to work on a “more tolerant, less ethnically charged version” of the game, but say they have encountered some difficulties.

“We first tried to fix it by changing the colours of the pieces, but even this has proven not enough. We tried yellow and red, but now it just looks like we’re trying to portray Asian and Indian ethnic cleansing.” In spite of these difficulties, these hard-working men and women say they are optimistic that they are on the verge of a “much better game”.

“We’re making a new version in which every piece is a mutli-coloured rainbow pawn – so that we’re all equal and racially sensitive – and a new bunch of rules in which your pieces democratically elect a King, and then you spend the rest of the game exercising passive measures instead of violence, equipping your pieces with placards, marijuana, flowers and an iconic soundtrack to stop the pointless violence of war. Sure, there isn’t a winner or loser, and it’s not at all fun – but isn’t that the best way to teach kids the basic lessons of life?”

The game goes on sale next week, alongside the new anti-capitalist version of a popular board game, Marx-nopoly, in which players equally distribute land and spread their Pass-Go-Collect-200-Dollars income evenly among the masses.

Apple moves to ban all white rectangles

Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled its latest court plans, announced head lawyer for Apple, Sue Hevriehuan.

“Drawing on our latest successes in the courtroom, we’re now focusing our energies on getting any and all appliances that are similar to our range of devices off the market. Basically, we’re looking to ban all white rectangles,” she said in a statement.

White rectangles, such as this, and anything that kind of resembles them may soon be banned altogether.

The ramifications of such a goal are far-reaching, with manufacturers of many different products, from fridges, sandboxes, cars, to other handheld devices and even pencil erasers, voicing their worries.

“It’s distressing. Currently, the system of checking whether someone has ‘copied’ Apple products is to blur your eyes slightly and squint at the offending item. I mean, after twelve beers even my toilet looks like an Apple product. Before long, we’ll be pissing outside like animals,” said CEO of fridge manufacturing company Freezy Eezy, James Coldermaker.

However, Apple’s successes in court have excited many other manufacturers and companies.

“If I had know that having something merely resemble something else is grounds for multi-million dollar settlements, I’d have sued my younger twin brother years ago,” said 32-year-old construction worker Siam Eez.

Others have voiced similar excitement. “I wrote a song two years ago, and then Coldplay wrote a song. I mean, they kinda sound the same, you know, if you really, really listen hard for the few similarities, like they both use words and musical notes, but still. I want my share of stolen revenues,” said Flo Rida, who pretends to be a musician when he isn’t being talentless and overrated.

Even fans of Apple software have lauded the decision.

“I, like, use my, like, iPhone for, like, everything, and, like, Samsung and, like, all those other guys just can’t, like, just copy and, like, expect to, like, get away with it,” said 12-year-old Hasa Ritchdad, who currently holds the Guinness World Record for Most Times Saying The Word “like” In A Single, like, Sentence.

BFA graduate, professional Instagram digital editor and blogger (a.k.a. unemployed) Havno Reeljob aired similar thoughts. “Samsung and those other companies have no originality or creativity and just steal previously established ideas, pretending like it’s new and fresh and fashionable” he said, brushing dust off his grandfather’s tweed jacket and adding a sepia filter to his friend’s photos.

However, Apple’s decision has attracted many counter-lawsuits, with map company Tom Tom and door-makers Willow & Sons submitting claims to the International Copyright Court.

“We were making terribly inaccurate mapping and guidance systems way, way before they royally screwed it up. Sure, they bought some maps from us, but that doesn’t mean they should copy our mediocrity to such a massive extent,” said Tom Tom lead director James McGillis.

Willow & Sons has also started court proceedings against the computing giant.

“We came up with a slide-to-release function on our products about 254 years ago. They can’t just take it and pretend it’s theirs!” said company CEO Doran Lock.

Despite the possible negative outcomes of such a decision, Hevriehuan is certain that their court battle will, in the end, be successful.

“We’re a multi-billion dollar company that tricked millions of people into buying the same phone over and over again. I’m sure we’ll have no trouble winning over a few judges.”

Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment because he was too busy rolling in his grave.