Hero teen saves school from disaster

Courageous jock prevents massive mass-shooting by befriending that fucking weird fedora-wearing dipstick Eugene Falentes.

Mourning and heaped praise echo across the halls of Metro bay High school today, after 17-year-old sports star, cafeteria jokester and all-round-beloved senior Chad Chaddings saved his peers from ‘unfathomable tragedy’ by befriending “that weirdo who would probably have slaughtered us all sometime in the next six months”.

Chaddings, who is being hailed as a “true icon of heroism”, bravely averted a mass shooting or serial knifings and suicide at the very least by making friends with the gigantic loser and showing him basic human decency.

Teachers and peers recalled Chaddings’s last moments with tears in their eyes.

“We all knew it had to happen, but we never knew he’d be so brave about it,” said the guy who gives Chad his Maths homework to copy after football practice. “He just walked right up to that mouth-breathing, bespectacled, braces-wearing creep and was like, ‘Hey, Eugene, you wanna hang out after school?’.”

Pictured: that fucking weird kid Eugene.
Goddamn nerd.

Chaddings’s friends say that he was staunch and unflinching in his sacrifice, even when Eugene said yes and excitedly started explaining the rules of that fucking weird boardgame he and those other friendless losers from Grade 11 like to play in their ‘Secret Clubhouse’ in his mom’s basement.

However, learners at the medium-sized high school say they knew this day was coming – that it was only a matter of time until someone had to befriend him.

“This day was inevitable, ever since he first asked Billy Erikson in first grade to trade Pokemon cards, and then asked him if he’d like some of this packed vegan soy-bean lunch, his place low, low down on the social ladder was cemented,” said the school’s History teacher Miss Evensen. “We all knew that, thanks to the rigourous social hierarchy of our school, one day someone would have to bite the bullet and treat him with kindness and compassion so that he didn’t crack and blow us all away with his father’s automatic rifle collection. I just can’t believe this day has come so soon.”

“You know, sometimes I still see Chad’s ghost roaming the schoolhalls,” said long-time friend Huhg Jassohl. “He still wanders these halls, reading - eugh - books and expressing an interest in things like learning.”

After taking a moment to compose himself, Jassohl continued.

“I mean, I know the shadow of his former self says stuff like ‘Eugene is just misunderstood’ and ‘Once you get to know someone, you realise how judging a book by its cover is so wrong’ – but hey, that's exactly the kind of thing that kind of a Naruto-watching weeboo piece of uncool scum would say.”

However, with mounting ostracism and public shunning of Chaddings, the school board has now expressed worries that soon it’ll be time to put another student on the altar of offerings.

“Now that Chad is a shunned, tormented dipshit that no one likes because of his obvious rejection of the status quo – you know, basically another Eugene - what’s to stop him shooting up the school?” said Principal Davids.

“I mean, someone’s gonna have to befriend that massive weirdo.”

Man bravely captures other man saving child’s life on film

A local man is being hailed as a true hero this morning, after bravely capturing cellphone video footage of another man saving a child’s life.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, when the 8-year-old Billy Thomson tumbled off the edge of Platform 18 at Kingscrossing Train station, closely followed by another man dashing down into the tracks of the oncoming train to grab the boy, 34-year-old bystander Eric Jackson immediately flew into action.

“I knew time was of the essence,” explained the brave soul modestly. “Precious seconds were ticking away - I had to act quickly. So I immediately whipped out my Samsung and started recording.”

Jackson’s actions have been praised by the Mayor as “an incredible show of quick-witted initiative”.

“Not only did he start recording from the moment little Billy tripped into the path of the roaring 10:41am Express Line, he also had the wits to film in landscape mode, where many would have unthinkingly done that irritating portrait stuff that leaves those big black bars on either side of the screen. I mean, he even went so far as to enable HD, full-res mode, zooming in with a still, unshaking hand to capture every moment of the near-tragedy in perfect clarity.”

Teary-eyed parents have lavished him with their deep and sincere thanks.

“If it weren’t for him, we would never ever be able to relive those special moments on Youtube where our boy’s life was pulled from the very jaws of death,” they said, expressing their undying gratitude. “Without Eric, it’s almost as if our son might as well have died.”

However, Eric remains humble and unassuming.

“I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who was in the right place at the right time, with the right HD-ready smartphone,” he said. “I just did what any other human being would do in such an awful situation.”

“Really, in moments like this, we should really be thanking guy who was instrumental and hands-on this awful close-call," he said. "That’s right: the nameless engineer-hero who made such an excellent camera. Without him… well, I’d hate to think what would have happened. Something awful probably, like a 4-megapixel camera without integrated shake-compensation.”

The guy in the background, who almost ruined Eric’s shot when he flung Timmy up and out of the train tracks, could not be reached for comment.