Kids get through family and togetherness Christmas bullshit in record time

It was a day of smashed records, after the children of the Henderson family managed to speed through all that family and togetherness crap that comes every Christmas in record-breaking time.

Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records say that the three children – Billy, 7; Jess, 11; and little Tina, 5 – managed to get through all their family’s bullshit yearly traditions (such as the traditional morning tea-and-Christmas-cake in the lounge, the yearly reading out the family Christmas cards, the painstaking process of all opening their stockings one by one, and snapping seemingly countless Family photos) at a blistering pace.

“They’ve absolutely shattered all previous attempts,” said Guinness Records overseer Chris Mazgift. “Within just 17 minutes and 32 seconds, they were all tearing open their gifts and going back to their own rooms to play with their fancy new toys without being bothered by their bloody parents – which is, as we all know, the Real Meaning of Christmas.”

However, the record has been met with controversy, and many previous record holders have loudly voiced their complaints.

“Of course they smashed the record,” said 12-year-old Wayne Ahmanger, “because their goddamn mother doesn’t make them all pull on their boots to go for a ‘fun’ Christmas walk after the big traditional lunch. Some of us have grandparents who make us go to the Christmas morning church service and combined carol evening – and of course, this cuts deeply into the valuable, rare quality time that you would rather be spending with your new Xbox One or Macbook Air 2.”

Despite these complaints, the Henderson kids are hard at work getting ready to defend their record next year.

“Hopefully by then Little Tina would have grown out of her cute phase and won’t have to sing ‘We Wis you a Mewwy Cwismas’ four goddamn times,” said Billy.

“And what's more, we're still crossing fingers that our parents get divorced. That way, we’ll be able to blast through this family togetherness kak in about three minutes – about as long as it will take our mother to pop another Valium or pour another gin or our dad to heat up our christmas can-of-beans lunch in his one-bedroom apartment in town.”

They said I was crazy to try and build a spaceship that runs on toothpaste. They were right

Pursuing your dreams isn’t easy. As any dreamer, any person who has ever followed that arduous and rocky road to your goals and desires knows, in life you meet a lot of obstacles.

Doubters.

Nay-sayers.

People who think that you’re crazy: that your idea will never work, that it’s impossible. And many, many times, with hard work and perseverance, these obstacles can be overcome, these nonbelievers shown up.

This was not one of those times.

Growing up, I had a dream to fly to the moon and stars. When I was just a young boy my father would take me out into the field and we would lie in the cool, soft grass and watch the stars twinkle in the unreachable distance. He would trace out constellations with his finger, giving each one a shape, a name, and I would tell him, “I’m going to go there one day, dad. You’ll see. I’ll build a big spaceship, one that runs on toothpaste, and I’ll fly among the stars.” It sounded crazy: but it was so crazy, that is just might work.

My dad would smile, pat me on the back as only a loving father can, and simply say, “lol are you totally nuts that’ll never work.”

The basic concept is no different from
any other rocket engine. 

As I grew up, the dream grew. I knew that my dad was wrong, even if he was factually correct. Every night I would spend countless hours in the basement, working until daybreak drawing up rough sketches of how this magnificent machine would work. I would show them, I told myself. I would show them all.

Looking back, I realise, boy, toothpaste isn’t really a great combustible substance.

I eventually dropped out of school to work on my invention. “You’re wasting your life!” my physics teacher screamed at me as I walked out the school entrance, slamming the doors on all the negativity and scepticism that was my daily experience. “Seriously, in terms of actual real-life physical possibility, you won’t succeed.”

They doubted me. They thought I was crazy. “It’ll never work,” they said. “Toothpaste is not a reliable, energy-efficient or economically viable fuel,” they told me.
They were right.

“You’re wrong!” I shouted back with a laugh, knowing that one day I’d prove her and all the jeering children and staff at my school wrong by zooming off into outer space, leaving nothing but a long, minty-fresh contrail in my wake. Of course it was only years later, as I sat in the basement looking over my blueprints after my 983rd failed launch, that I realised they were right - but does that really matter?

Is my dream really so far-fetched?
Why should the "medical knowledge" of
"clinical psychiatrists" dissuade us?

And so I worked, day and night. There was no sacrifice I considered too great. A series of failed girlfriends and relationships came and went. I missed my father’s funeral. My brother and I fell out of contact. My dog died. I think I forgot to feed him. I wonder if dogs can eat toothpaste.

But through it all, I’ve learnt a valuable lesson: you have to follow your dreams. Well, that, and also that the cost per ounce versus combustion potential of Colgate makes it an impractical choice of fuel.

Life is full of disappointments and setbacks. It’s chock-a-block packed with so-called “friends” and “family” who think your dreams are impossible, are too big, will never work, are contrary to the very principles of rocket science.

And sometimes you’ve got to cut this negativity from your life.

It’s hard, I know. When I first told my sister, “I have dreams, ambitions; the lizard people watch us - they know all. A new utopia of greenery and prosperity await, in hidden Xanadu-esque caverns buried hundreds of kilometres below Mar’s rocky plains,” well, it wasn’t easy to look her in the eye and summon up the courage to defend my dreams and say, “you’re family, why won’t you support my dreams, it’s probably the brain-leeches the Zerngions injected into you as a foetus seriously you should go for a professional defogulation and invest in aluminium cerebro-brainwave protector.”

Work hard. Believe. Ignore the nay-sayers and scientists.

Because nothing should ever stand between you and your dreams. Not even a straitjacket.

Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Racist shocked at friend’s overt display of liberalism

Friends and family of a Johannesburg man have expressed disgust and shock today, after his embarrassing and brazen display of outright liberalism at a dinner last night.

According to those closest to 26-year-old Jacob Van Rensburg, the liberal-arts student went on a “long and loathsome” rant about equal rights and the so-called ‘unscientific approach to apparently race-based characteristics’.

“We were just sitting there, having a nice dinner, enjoying a lovely couple of beers, talking about how these blerrie baboons are destroying the country, and he suddenly just blurts out this vile and twisted monologue about ‘outmoded stereotypes’ and ‘a backwards and overly facile conflation of genetic and socioeconomic factors’,” said Jacob’s father, Adrien Willem Bennie (AWB) Van Rensburg. “I think it goes without saying that we’re all utterly repulsed by this horrific outburst of tolerance and understanding.”

His mother recalled the traumatising evening, fighting back her tears.

“It was such a nice get-together,” she recalled. “His uncles from Orania and our grandfather, who emigrated to Australia in April of 1994, had come down for the holidays. Anyway, we were talking about the crime problem and Eskom and corruption and thievery, when Jakkie just starts yammering on about how racial characteristics have no innate bearing on intelligence. It was so embarrassing! And he was doing it right in front of our white waiter! I think the worst thing was that we couldn’t even chide him on his awful, naïve, worldly views because he was paying for the meal.”

Jacob has since apologised for his “utterly loathesome rant”, saying that he had assumed it was safe to air such unconventional views.

“You know, I’d had a bit too much to drink, a few too many beers, and I thought that I was in a safe, private space – among family and like-minded friends,” he explained contritely. “I apologise for my deeply shameful words, and promise to never again let such lucidity and common sense come between me and my family again.”

His family have since accepted his apology, saying that Jacob ‘seems to be on the right track again.’

“We’re confident he’s realised the error of his ways,” said his father. “I mean, yesterday he dropped the k-bomb when a waiter short-changed us.”

“Now if we could only do something about his stupid stance against homophobia.”

Man bravely captures other man saving child’s life on film

A local man is being hailed as a true hero this morning, after bravely capturing cellphone video footage of another man saving a child’s life.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, when the 8-year-old Billy Thomson tumbled off the edge of Platform 18 at Kingscrossing Train station, closely followed by another man dashing down into the tracks of the oncoming train to grab the boy, 34-year-old bystander Eric Jackson immediately flew into action.

“I knew time was of the essence,” explained the brave soul modestly. “Precious seconds were ticking away - I had to act quickly. So I immediately whipped out my Samsung and started recording.”

Jackson’s actions have been praised by the Mayor as “an incredible show of quick-witted initiative”.

“Not only did he start recording from the moment little Billy tripped into the path of the roaring 10:41am Express Line, he also had the wits to film in landscape mode, where many would have unthinkingly done that irritating portrait stuff that leaves those big black bars on either side of the screen. I mean, he even went so far as to enable HD, full-res mode, zooming in with a still, unshaking hand to capture every moment of the near-tragedy in perfect clarity.”

Teary-eyed parents have lavished him with their deep and sincere thanks.

“If it weren’t for him, we would never ever be able to relive those special moments on Youtube where our boy’s life was pulled from the very jaws of death,” they said, expressing their undying gratitude. “Without Eric, it’s almost as if our son might as well have died.”

However, Eric remains humble and unassuming.

“I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who was in the right place at the right time, with the right HD-ready smartphone,” he said. “I just did what any other human being would do in such an awful situation.”

“Really, in moments like this, we should really be thanking guy who was instrumental and hands-on this awful close-call," he said. "That’s right: the nameless engineer-hero who made such an excellent camera. Without him… well, I’d hate to think what would have happened. Something awful probably, like a 4-megapixel camera without integrated shake-compensation.”

The guy in the background, who almost ruined Eric’s shot when he flung Timmy up and out of the train tracks, could not be reached for comment.

Son developing nicely into entitled bigot

According to South African parents André and Jannita du Plessis, legal guardians of five-year-old Michael du Plessis, their son is “well on track” to becoming a privileged, entitled little shit with tendencies for casual racism and sexism.

“We’ve been working hard at this for a while now, and so it’s nice to see it all starting to pay off,” they said to gathered press this morning after young Michael said his first bad words about the ANC.

“He called them a bunch of corrupt thieves and liars, and then added that the blerrie country was going to hell,” they said with beaming smiles. “Usually, we have to tell him what to think and what political views to hold, but this he came up with all by himself!”

However, his parents said that they only became aware of the full extent of his progression into a fine young man who thinks the world owes him a favour and that his particular hubristic worldview is unassailable when he pulled out an empty beer can and a pair of braai tongs at breakfast yesterday and asked them, “can I tell you what’s wrong with this blerrie country?”

“Ever since his first words – ‘dada’ and ‘vok die ANC’ – we’ve known he was a natural,” they said, “but this was the cherry on the cake. Or rather, the ’blerrie’ on the hate.”

Since the announcement, his parents say they have ramped up their program to include sexism and homophobia.

“The other day we overheard him telling a friend to stop being such a faggot. When we hear him using such language, we immediately brought him an xBox, the latest Call of Duty game, a chat headset and uncapped high-speed ADSL internet. He now spends almost three hours a day belittling other kids his age and calling their sexuality into question after giving them a thorough teabagging.”

Michael is a natural, apparently, and is now taking his own initiative in his education.

“We were talking to a couple of his friends and they told us that he claims to have had sexual relations with half of their sisters and mothers, which is a nice touch that we didn’t even think about.”

And in related news, the Du Plessis’s daughter Chanté is also making her own rapid progress in becoming a lovely little sex object, with no real opinion, dreams, desires or ambition in life but to be a “nice piece of ass”.

“We make her watch at least eight hours of television a day, with enriching, empowering shows to further her growth, said her parents, “like Real Housewives of Orange Country, Geordie Shore and Mob Wives. Before you know it, we’ll be starring alongside her in our own episode of 16 and Pregnant.