Kids get through family and togetherness Christmas bullshit in record time

It was a day of smashed records, after the children of the Henderson family managed to speed through all that family and togetherness crap that comes every Christmas in record-breaking time.

Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records say that the three children – Billy, 7; Jess, 11; and little Tina, 5 – managed to get through all their family’s bullshit yearly traditions (such as the traditional morning tea-and-Christmas-cake in the lounge, the yearly reading out the family Christmas cards, the painstaking process of all opening their stockings one by one, and snapping seemingly countless Family photos) at a blistering pace.

“They’ve absolutely shattered all previous attempts,” said Guinness Records overseer Chris Mazgift. “Within just 17 minutes and 32 seconds, they were all tearing open their gifts and going back to their own rooms to play with their fancy new toys without being bothered by their bloody parents – which is, as we all know, the Real Meaning of Christmas.”

However, the record has been met with controversy, and many previous record holders have loudly voiced their complaints.

“Of course they smashed the record,” said 12-year-old Wayne Ahmanger, “because their goddamn mother doesn’t make them all pull on their boots to go for a ‘fun’ Christmas walk after the big traditional lunch. Some of us have grandparents who make us go to the Christmas morning church service and combined carol evening – and of course, this cuts deeply into the valuable, rare quality time that you would rather be spending with your new Xbox One or Macbook Air 2.”

Despite these complaints, the Henderson kids are hard at work getting ready to defend their record next year.

“Hopefully by then Little Tina would have grown out of her cute phase and won’t have to sing ‘We Wis you a Mewwy Cwismas’ four goddamn times,” said Billy.

“And what's more, we're still crossing fingers that our parents get divorced. That way, we’ll be able to blast through this family togetherness kak in about three minutes – about as long as it will take our mother to pop another Valium or pour another gin or our dad to heat up our christmas can-of-beans lunch in his one-bedroom apartment in town.”

Santa Claus charged with trespassing, breaking and entering

Tens of thousands of children and parents have been left in shock and the Christmas season has ground to a halt after police announced the arrest of ages-old bringer of seasonal joy and merriment, Santa Clause.

Police now say that the global gift-delivery boy and poster boy for generosity and Coca-Cola has been charged with over four billion counts of trespassing on private property, breaking and entering, and violating international airspace restrictions and travel laws. Mr Claus also faces possible terrorism charges, having left more than eighteen billion million unmarked and suspicious packages in homes across the world.

He also faces charges of operating an animal-powered category five air vehicle without the requisite licences and registration.

“For a number of years now we’ve been issuing warnings to Mr Claus and his band of outlaws, but every December 25th, like clockwork, we see him ignoring us again and again,” said Lead Commissioner of Interpol Harry Dee Tainsbhadi. “This kind of contempt for the law is unacceptable. So this year we set up a sting operation, and we’ve caught him red handed.”

Parents have expressed resounding happiness at the police’s swift action, condemning Santa "The Sick Fuck" Claus as a “criminal” and “maybe even a paedophile, who knows?”

“Santa puts across this image of him being a jolly, friendly chap who hands out gifts to children from his sleigh – doesn’t that sound creepy to you?” said one concerned parent. “And every year, he sneakily breaks into hundreds of houses with sleeping, innocent children in them. Last year we found stockings hanging at the feet of my children’s beds. The sick bastard was that close to them! Who knows what twisted, perverted things he could have tried?”

However, Public and Federal prosecutors say they are having a tough time pinning the charges on the 400-year-old Father of Christmas, saying that his team of personal lawyers have established a very difficult set of alibis and counter arguments in his defence.

“We’re having difficulty proving the facts of the case to the judge,” said Federal Attorney for the State Amica Skewray. “Like how he was able to commit several thousand possible cases of breaking and entering in countries thousands of miles apart in just a few hours, and how he fit his fat arse down so many tiny chimneys.”

In light of these difficulties, the Prosectution has had to let many thousands of charges slide.

“We were forced to drop four billion charges of theft because, but we just can’t prove how one man ate and drank that many mince pies he ate and glasses of milk and sherry.”

Santa Claus and his team of lawyers are now preparing a last-ditch defense saying that he has been framed, and wrongfully arrested.

“It wasn’t our client who went into those houses and left all those presents,” read their statement to the media, which were delighted because a story like this is basically Christmas come early, “but instead thousands of insidious mothers and fathers whose lies to their children might put an innocent man in jail.”

Prosecuters now say they are working on debunking this claim.

“It’s a very flimsy defense,” they said. “I mean, are you honestly expecting me to believe it was actually my mom and dad who wrapped up all those presents and put it under the tree in the dead of night after taking a bite out of the treats we left and leaving sooty bootprints in the fire’s hearth, and not an elderly Gandalf who travels millions of miles from his North Pole home with his team of elves and reindeer to leave gifts under my tree when I’ve been good all year? Yeah, right. Pull the other one. It has jingle bells on it.”

Picture (edited) of Santa Clause by Jonathan G Meath (in Wikimedia Commons CC license 2.0 share-attribute)