It was a day of smashed records, after the children of the Henderson family managed to speed through all that family and togetherness crap that comes every Christmas in record-breaking time.
Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records say that the three children – Billy, 7; Jess, 11; and little Tina, 5 – managed to get through all their family’s bullshit yearly traditions (such as the traditional morning tea-and-Christmas-cake in the lounge, the yearly reading out the family Christmas cards, the painstaking process of all opening their stockings one by one, and snapping seemingly countless Family photos) at a blistering pace.
“They’ve absolutely shattered all previous attempts,” said Guinness Records overseer Chris Mazgift. “Within just 17 minutes and 32 seconds, they were all tearing open their gifts and going back to their own rooms to play with their fancy new toys without being bothered by their bloody parents – which is, as we all know, the Real Meaning of Christmas.”
However, the record has been met with controversy, and many previous record holders have loudly voiced their complaints.
“Of course they smashed the record,” said 12-year-old Wayne Ahmanger, “because their goddamn mother doesn’t make them all pull on their boots to go for a ‘fun’ Christmas walk after the big traditional lunch. Some of us have grandparents who make us go to the Christmas morning church service and combined carol evening – and of course, this cuts deeply into the valuable, rare quality time that you would rather be spending with your new Xbox One or Macbook Air 2.”
Despite these complaints, the Henderson kids are hard at work getting ready to defend their record next year.
“Hopefully by then Little Tina would have grown out of her cute phase and won’t have to sing ‘We Wis you a Mewwy Cwismas’ four goddamn times,” said Billy.
“And what's more, we're still crossing fingers that our parents get divorced. That way, we’ll be able to blast through this family togetherness kak in about three minutes – about as long as it will take our mother to pop another Valium or pour another gin or our dad to heat up our christmas can-of-beans lunch in his one-bedroom apartment in town.”
