Son developing nicely into entitled bigot

According to South African parents André and Jannita du Plessis, legal guardians of five-year-old Michael du Plessis, their son is “well on track” to becoming a privileged, entitled little shit with tendencies for casual racism and sexism.

“We’ve been working hard at this for a while now, and so it’s nice to see it all starting to pay off,” they said to gathered press this morning after young Michael said his first bad words about the ANC.

“He called them a bunch of corrupt thieves and liars, and then added that the blerrie country was going to hell,” they said with beaming smiles. “Usually, we have to tell him what to think and what political views to hold, but this he came up with all by himself!”

However, his parents said that they only became aware of the full extent of his progression into a fine young man who thinks the world owes him a favour and that his particular hubristic worldview is unassailable when he pulled out an empty beer can and a pair of braai tongs at breakfast yesterday and asked them, “can I tell you what’s wrong with this blerrie country?”

“Ever since his first words – ‘dada’ and ‘vok die ANC’ – we’ve known he was a natural,” they said, “but this was the cherry on the cake. Or rather, the ’blerrie’ on the hate.”

Since the announcement, his parents say they have ramped up their program to include sexism and homophobia.

“The other day we overheard him telling a friend to stop being such a faggot. When we hear him using such language, we immediately brought him an xBox, the latest Call of Duty game, a chat headset and uncapped high-speed ADSL internet. He now spends almost three hours a day belittling other kids his age and calling their sexuality into question after giving them a thorough teabagging.”

Michael is a natural, apparently, and is now taking his own initiative in his education.

“We were talking to a couple of his friends and they told us that he claims to have had sexual relations with half of their sisters and mothers, which is a nice touch that we didn’t even think about.”

And in related news, the Du Plessis’s daughter Chanté is also making her own rapid progress in becoming a lovely little sex object, with no real opinion, dreams, desires or ambition in life but to be a “nice piece of ass”.

“We make her watch at least eight hours of television a day, with enriching, empowering shows to further her growth, said her parents, “like Real Housewives of Orange Country, Geordie Shore and Mob Wives. Before you know it, we’ll be starring alongside her in our own episode of 16 and Pregnant.

Activision and Call of Duty Lead Creative Director part ways

Citing "irreconcilable creative differences", videogames development and publishing giant Activision stunned thousands fans of being called a faggot and a retard and a fuckstain by twelve-year-olds while playing samey first-person shooters online today, after they announced that their head creative executive, production director and lead script writer three-year-old Scott Harrelson had split from the company.

Harrelson, who is showing remarkable improvement in his fine motor skills coordination and excellent efforts in fingerpainting at Fairview Pre-primary, has been the script writer and creative coordinator for a number of Call of Duty games now, and is credited with having thought up "most of the games anyway".

"He was a genius," recalled one graphics designer who worked under the pudgy and yet talented hand of Harrelson. "He would walk into the room and see what we'd done and be like 'more explosions! More car chases! Googoogaga!' before gurgling to himself in contentment and demanding his din-dins. He knew just what our games needed, what kind of cutting-edge, emotional and moving narratives and original gameplay we had to provide to the high-level intellect that we cater for."

However, the unnamed source added that there had always been tensions between the director's genius and the company he worked for .

"I think he was leaps and bounds ahead in terms of creative skills," said Jake Henderson, who reminded us of his wish to remain nameless before we assured him that his name would not appear in print. "They wanted only minor aesthetic changes that they could overhype three months before release date – like the mostly contextually-based and undercapitalised two-level addition of a partner dog, or limited on-rails vehicle levels."

Henderson, whose name we have just realised that we accidentally published, said that this difference led to discontentment and strife in the working place.

"I think Harrelson was starting to get depressed at how childish and puerile, how stagnant the game was becoming," he said. "I mean, killing endless waves of the same ethnicities with slightly different guns each year can only entertain a kid for so long. I think Activision just weren't ready to embrace the profound philosophies of Scott's young, developing mind."

Though Harrelson denies this, he had suggested that he is moving on to find 'more challenging, more mentally-testing' work, like "macaroni crafting" or "putting the coloured blocks into the right holes".

In reaction to the statement, Activision have said that the development studio has not suffered any drastic changes or hurdles, and are working on a new Call of Duty game whose video would be "controversially leaked" just as soon as they had thought of a "single game element [we] can overhype to make it look like much of the game hinges around that original and brand-new idea instead of just small, restricted stretches of individual levels."

IGN and gamespot have given the game, which is set to come out in two years, a perfect score of eighteen out of ten.

"We were going to put their big fat triple-A title cock in our mouths anyway, why not save us all some time?" they said in a post-pre-review interview. "Besides, you're going to buy this goddamn game anyway no matter what we say, so why even bother waiting three years to see if you agree with our opinion?"

The game, which features ROBOTS OH MY GOD AND KEVIN SPACEY zOMG, goes on Record-Breaking-Pre-sale next year before being delayed and then delayed again and then having some elements rushed so they can release just in time for Christmas.