Xbox user accidentally destroys all of the Middle East

Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and all of the Middle East have been reduced to a single charred, radioactive and smoking desert devoid of life this weekend, after an Xbox Live user accidentally logged into the United States Military Defence Network server and went onto inflict what he is calling “the greatest high score of all time” against the group of Arab countries.

According to a Commission headed by the Supreme Court and the Senate, 14-year-old Jake Ericson accidentally logged onto the Pentagon’s wireless servers at about 3:14pm yesterday afternoon after he put new hit First Person Shooter game Call of Duty: Ghosts into his console’s disc tray. Ericson then proceeded to load what he thought was a special downloadable Drone Strike mission, which resulted in the deaths of some 42 million people.

“Usually in these games, if you kill a friendly soldier or a civilian – except in that No Russian airport mission controversy, of course – you die,” said the Commission in its final report. “But outside of the game, there was no such limitation placed on Ericson. His pursuit of topping the leaderboard was unhindered.”

Ericson, who has mastered this game over many years and versions of Call of Duty, was reportedly unstoppable.

“When we saw one of our drones go rogue and start this senseless and horrifying slaughter, we tried to shoot it down with counterdrones, missiles, and countermeasures,” said Military spokesman Hope Infyre, “but he just pressed the Right Trigger button to deploy flares and barrel roll.”

In spite of the controversy, however, Infyre said that they had to look at the “silver lining in all of this”.

“This just shows us how warfare is evolving,” he said. “We shouldn’t punish him, but instead learn from him. If we could boil down war to just one drone, think how much that could save us in yearly budget allocations on Defence.”

The Department of Defence has since considered offering Ericson and other COD fans full-time positions training a future generation of warriors, but they say there are still some legal considerations to be ironed out.

“First of all, we’ll need to amend or even possibly rewrite the Geneva Convention and its laws on the rules of engagement,” said the DOD in a statement, “because right now it doesn’t say anything about the ethics, morals or legality of calling everyone around you a bunch of noob faggots and then teabagging their dead corpses after you shoot them in the back.”

Activision and Call of Duty Lead Creative Director part ways

Citing "irreconcilable creative differences", videogames development and publishing giant Activision stunned thousands fans of being called a faggot and a retard and a fuckstain by twelve-year-olds while playing samey first-person shooters online today, after they announced that their head creative executive, production director and lead script writer three-year-old Scott Harrelson had split from the company.

Harrelson, who is showing remarkable improvement in his fine motor skills coordination and excellent efforts in fingerpainting at Fairview Pre-primary, has been the script writer and creative coordinator for a number of Call of Duty games now, and is credited with having thought up "most of the games anyway".

"He was a genius," recalled one graphics designer who worked under the pudgy and yet talented hand of Harrelson. "He would walk into the room and see what we'd done and be like 'more explosions! More car chases! Googoogaga!' before gurgling to himself in contentment and demanding his din-dins. He knew just what our games needed, what kind of cutting-edge, emotional and moving narratives and original gameplay we had to provide to the high-level intellect that we cater for."

However, the unnamed source added that there had always been tensions between the director's genius and the company he worked for .

"I think he was leaps and bounds ahead in terms of creative skills," said Jake Henderson, who reminded us of his wish to remain nameless before we assured him that his name would not appear in print. "They wanted only minor aesthetic changes that they could overhype three months before release date – like the mostly contextually-based and undercapitalised two-level addition of a partner dog, or limited on-rails vehicle levels."

Henderson, whose name we have just realised that we accidentally published, said that this difference led to discontentment and strife in the working place.

"I think Harrelson was starting to get depressed at how childish and puerile, how stagnant the game was becoming," he said. "I mean, killing endless waves of the same ethnicities with slightly different guns each year can only entertain a kid for so long. I think Activision just weren't ready to embrace the profound philosophies of Scott's young, developing mind."

Though Harrelson denies this, he had suggested that he is moving on to find 'more challenging, more mentally-testing' work, like "macaroni crafting" or "putting the coloured blocks into the right holes".

In reaction to the statement, Activision have said that the development studio has not suffered any drastic changes or hurdles, and are working on a new Call of Duty game whose video would be "controversially leaked" just as soon as they had thought of a "single game element [we] can overhype to make it look like much of the game hinges around that original and brand-new idea instead of just small, restricted stretches of individual levels."

IGN and gamespot have given the game, which is set to come out in two years, a perfect score of eighteen out of ten.

"We were going to put their big fat triple-A title cock in our mouths anyway, why not save us all some time?" they said in a post-pre-review interview. "Besides, you're going to buy this goddamn game anyway no matter what we say, so why even bother waiting three years to see if you agree with our opinion?"

The game, which features ROBOTS OH MY GOD AND KEVIN SPACEY zOMG, goes on Record-Breaking-Pre-sale next year before being delayed and then delayed again and then having some elements rushed so they can release just in time for Christmas.