Oscars prepare to totally screw up film awards once more

Cinemaphiles and audiences across the world are working up a frenzy of excitement once more, as they prepare themselves for the annual Oscar Awards, the glitz of the red carpet, and the inevitable disappointment they’ll feel when the ceremony totally snubs the actors and shows which should definitely have won the trophies.

Now in their 88th year, the Oscars have already etched into the world’s culture an unforgettable rich history of creating prestigious awards and then giving them to some other fucking guy who definitely should have not have won.

“The Oscars are a timeless, truly memorable yearly event,” said historian Phil Mireels. “It has a renowned history of taking timeless, classical examples of cinema that deserve to be praised and lauded and that will be remembered, cherished and watched for decades to come, and totally botching the process of recognising how great they are.”

Mireels explained how, despite their rich history making a massive balls-up of who wins the golden statuettes every single goddamn year, this year is set to be truly unforgettable.

“We’ve had a lot of amazing feats of cinematography, directorship and acting be completely overlooked in the past," he said. "Come on, who could ever forget instant classics like Hitchcock's Psycho or Kubrick's Path of Glory getting shit-canned for movies no one even remembers anymore? How can you not cherish moments like the heart-warming, emotionally moving scene between warring brothers which got completely overlooked by the selection committee in City of God?"

“The only big question that remains this year is which totally fucking arbitrary crap film will be given the award and anger us all just like it does every year,” he said.

And with the Oscar’s rich and full history of outright blatantly wrong winners, speculation is rife as to which deserving actors will be snubbed or completely ignored for an Oscar.

”If we look at the extensive of amazing, breathtakingly talented actors who have been completely jilted and overlooked – names like Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Brad Pitt, John Malcovich, Michelle Pfeifer, Bill Murray, and Leonardo DiCaprio – then how can you not be excited to see whose brilliance gets beaten by some shitty patriotic war movie filled with flag-shots, lens flare, and an utterly desaturated colour palette consisting entirely of dark, grim blues and greys?" said Mireels. "I mean, we have such a strong field of contenders that it’s difficult to guess which one will be given a symbolic ‘fuck your achievements’ once more."

Pictured above and above-right: Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe are just two
of the illustrious stars to get snubbed by this goddamn ceremony

”I mean, really, what is an Oscars ceremony without you screaming at your television set ‘What the fuck, how did Leonardo Di Caprio not win AGAIN?’ or ‘How in the name of all that is good and right did Catherine Bigelow steal it from Avatar? HOW?’”

And the fans can’t wait.

“It’s going to be the biggest, best and most infuriating ceremony yet,” said film critic and long-time Oscars lover Isla Vilms. “Especially the biggest award, Film of the Year. There’s already is much speculation over which undeserving piece of shit will be given this prestigious award instead of the film everyone knows should win, just like last year and the several decades before it. My friends and I can’t wait to scream expletives at our TV screens.”

However, Vilms – like many thousands of cinemagoers – remains hopefully that she’ll one day see her opinion validated by a meaningless glitzy awards ceremony.

”I know that it’s just a dumb show and that them not winning does nothing to diminish their accomplishments and skills,” she said. “I just think it would be nice to see my favourite actor get a shiny trinket so that I can feel like my completely meaningless opinion matters in the world.”

Man bravely captures other man saving child’s life on film

A local man is being hailed as a true hero this morning, after bravely capturing cellphone video footage of another man saving a child’s life.

According to eyewitnesses on the scene, when the 8-year-old Billy Thomson tumbled off the edge of Platform 18 at Kingscrossing Train station, closely followed by another man dashing down into the tracks of the oncoming train to grab the boy, 34-year-old bystander Eric Jackson immediately flew into action.

“I knew time was of the essence,” explained the brave soul modestly. “Precious seconds were ticking away - I had to act quickly. So I immediately whipped out my Samsung and started recording.”

Jackson’s actions have been praised by the Mayor as “an incredible show of quick-witted initiative”.

“Not only did he start recording from the moment little Billy tripped into the path of the roaring 10:41am Express Line, he also had the wits to film in landscape mode, where many would have unthinkingly done that irritating portrait stuff that leaves those big black bars on either side of the screen. I mean, he even went so far as to enable HD, full-res mode, zooming in with a still, unshaking hand to capture every moment of the near-tragedy in perfect clarity.”

Teary-eyed parents have lavished him with their deep and sincere thanks.

“If it weren’t for him, we would never ever be able to relive those special moments on Youtube where our boy’s life was pulled from the very jaws of death,” they said, expressing their undying gratitude. “Without Eric, it’s almost as if our son might as well have died.”

However, Eric remains humble and unassuming.

“I’m no hero. I’m just a guy who was in the right place at the right time, with the right HD-ready smartphone,” he said. “I just did what any other human being would do in such an awful situation.”

“Really, in moments like this, we should really be thanking guy who was instrumental and hands-on this awful close-call," he said. "That’s right: the nameless engineer-hero who made such an excellent camera. Without him… well, I’d hate to think what would have happened. Something awful probably, like a 4-megapixel camera without integrated shake-compensation.”

The guy in the background, who almost ruined Eric’s shot when he flung Timmy up and out of the train tracks, could not be reached for comment.