USA celebrates 47-year anniversary of faking Moon Landing

It’s another giant leap for mankind today, after the National Aeronautical and Space Agency (NASA) and the United States government celebrated its 47th anniversary of the great Moon Landing Hoax of July 1969.

The elaborate hoax (which was filmed in a Hollywood basement and duped millions of viewers on “live” television) involved meticulous planning and required the silencing of hundreds of thousands of key witnesses and involved parties for nearly 50 years. Even today, it has still got all but ‘a few enlightened geniuses in camper trailers across the globe’ totally fooled.

“It’s incredible,” said then project manager for the intricate cinematographic con, Philemon Greenscreen. “Still to this day, millions of people actually believe we went and landed on the moon. You can’t imagine the amount of work it has taken to keep them all in the dark.”

Greenscreen explained the unfathomable complexities of the massive cover-up.

"We had to train thousands of staff and engineers to make plausible rockets and equipment that we tested in front of crowds of thousands of paid actors."

“Since then, we’ve had to keep hundreds of thousands of scientists, tech developers, researchers, politicians, journalists and employees of the state – who were all involved in the moon landing projects – silent on the whole thing,” he explained. “Then there’s the arduous task of keeping all of our trained actors to one script whose details never change even once over several decades. It’s been hard work.”

The difficulty of their work has lead Greenscreen and many other NASA frauds to reflect on their tireless efforts.

“It’s was tough, but we did it,” said camera operator and the genius behind the fake ‘hammer and feather’ scene, Sian Sfukushun. “And we’re lucky, too: you’d think that by now one of the countless state enemies that we’ve had since the Big Fake of ’69 would blown the lid off this whole thing with irrefutable leaked evidence that we threw it all together with Spielberg in a NASA basement.”

“Sometimes I think of the billions of dollars we spent on space travel and the existing technological advancements alongside plausible, tried-and-tested science that was widely available at the time, and it makes me wonder,” she said.

“With Yuri Gagarin and the incremental improvements to space-travel made in the Apollo missions, it probably would have just been cheaper and simpler just to actually go to the Moon.”

Oscars prepare to totally screw up film awards once more

Cinemaphiles and audiences across the world are working up a frenzy of excitement once more, as they prepare themselves for the annual Oscar Awards, the glitz of the red carpet, and the inevitable disappointment they’ll feel when the ceremony totally snubs the actors and shows which should definitely have won the trophies.

Now in their 88th year, the Oscars have already etched into the world’s culture an unforgettable rich history of creating prestigious awards and then giving them to some other fucking guy who definitely should have not have won.

“The Oscars are a timeless, truly memorable yearly event,” said historian Phil Mireels. “It has a renowned history of taking timeless, classical examples of cinema that deserve to be praised and lauded and that will be remembered, cherished and watched for decades to come, and totally botching the process of recognising how great they are.”

Mireels explained how, despite their rich history making a massive balls-up of who wins the golden statuettes every single goddamn year, this year is set to be truly unforgettable.

“We’ve had a lot of amazing feats of cinematography, directorship and acting be completely overlooked in the past," he said. "Come on, who could ever forget instant classics like Hitchcock's Psycho or Kubrick's Path of Glory getting shit-canned for movies no one even remembers anymore? How can you not cherish moments like the heart-warming, emotionally moving scene between warring brothers which got completely overlooked by the selection committee in City of God?"

“The only big question that remains this year is which totally fucking arbitrary crap film will be given the award and anger us all just like it does every year,” he said.

And with the Oscar’s rich and full history of outright blatantly wrong winners, speculation is rife as to which deserving actors will be snubbed or completely ignored for an Oscar.

”If we look at the extensive of amazing, breathtakingly talented actors who have been completely jilted and overlooked – names like Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Brad Pitt, John Malcovich, Michelle Pfeifer, Bill Murray, and Leonardo DiCaprio – then how can you not be excited to see whose brilliance gets beaten by some shitty patriotic war movie filled with flag-shots, lens flare, and an utterly desaturated colour palette consisting entirely of dark, grim blues and greys?" said Mireels. "I mean, we have such a strong field of contenders that it’s difficult to guess which one will be given a symbolic ‘fuck your achievements’ once more."

Pictured above and above-right: Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe are just two
of the illustrious stars to get snubbed by this goddamn ceremony

”I mean, really, what is an Oscars ceremony without you screaming at your television set ‘What the fuck, how did Leonardo Di Caprio not win AGAIN?’ or ‘How in the name of all that is good and right did Catherine Bigelow steal it from Avatar? HOW?’”

And the fans can’t wait.

“It’s going to be the biggest, best and most infuriating ceremony yet,” said film critic and long-time Oscars lover Isla Vilms. “Especially the biggest award, Film of the Year. There’s already is much speculation over which undeserving piece of shit will be given this prestigious award instead of the film everyone knows should win, just like last year and the several decades before it. My friends and I can’t wait to scream expletives at our TV screens.”

However, Vilms – like many thousands of cinemagoers – remains hopefully that she’ll one day see her opinion validated by a meaningless glitzy awards ceremony.

”I know that it’s just a dumb show and that them not winning does nothing to diminish their accomplishments and skills,” she said. “I just think it would be nice to see my favourite actor get a shiny trinket so that I can feel like my completely meaningless opinion matters in the world.”