Oscars prepare to totally screw up film awards once more

Cinemaphiles and audiences across the world are working up a frenzy of excitement once more, as they prepare themselves for the annual Oscar Awards, the glitz of the red carpet, and the inevitable disappointment they’ll feel when the ceremony totally snubs the actors and shows which should definitely have won the trophies.

Now in their 88th year, the Oscars have already etched into the world’s culture an unforgettable rich history of creating prestigious awards and then giving them to some other fucking guy who definitely should have not have won.

“The Oscars are a timeless, truly memorable yearly event,” said historian Phil Mireels. “It has a renowned history of taking timeless, classical examples of cinema that deserve to be praised and lauded and that will be remembered, cherished and watched for decades to come, and totally botching the process of recognising how great they are.”

Mireels explained how, despite their rich history making a massive balls-up of who wins the golden statuettes every single goddamn year, this year is set to be truly unforgettable.

“We’ve had a lot of amazing feats of cinematography, directorship and acting be completely overlooked in the past," he said. "Come on, who could ever forget instant classics like Hitchcock's Psycho or Kubrick's Path of Glory getting shit-canned for movies no one even remembers anymore? How can you not cherish moments like the heart-warming, emotionally moving scene between warring brothers which got completely overlooked by the selection committee in City of God?"

“The only big question that remains this year is which totally fucking arbitrary crap film will be given the award and anger us all just like it does every year,” he said.

And with the Oscar’s rich and full history of outright blatantly wrong winners, speculation is rife as to which deserving actors will be snubbed or completely ignored for an Oscar.

”If we look at the extensive of amazing, breathtakingly talented actors who have been completely jilted and overlooked – names like Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Brad Pitt, John Malcovich, Michelle Pfeifer, Bill Murray, and Leonardo DiCaprio – then how can you not be excited to see whose brilliance gets beaten by some shitty patriotic war movie filled with flag-shots, lens flare, and an utterly desaturated colour palette consisting entirely of dark, grim blues and greys?" said Mireels. "I mean, we have such a strong field of contenders that it’s difficult to guess which one will be given a symbolic ‘fuck your achievements’ once more."

Pictured above and above-right: Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe are just two
of the illustrious stars to get snubbed by this goddamn ceremony

”I mean, really, what is an Oscars ceremony without you screaming at your television set ‘What the fuck, how did Leonardo Di Caprio not win AGAIN?’ or ‘How in the name of all that is good and right did Catherine Bigelow steal it from Avatar? HOW?’”

And the fans can’t wait.

“It’s going to be the biggest, best and most infuriating ceremony yet,” said film critic and long-time Oscars lover Isla Vilms. “Especially the biggest award, Film of the Year. There’s already is much speculation over which undeserving piece of shit will be given this prestigious award instead of the film everyone knows should win, just like last year and the several decades before it. My friends and I can’t wait to scream expletives at our TV screens.”

However, Vilms – like many thousands of cinemagoers – remains hopefully that she’ll one day see her opinion validated by a meaningless glitzy awards ceremony.

”I know that it’s just a dumb show and that them not winning does nothing to diminish their accomplishments and skills,” she said. “I just think it would be nice to see my favourite actor get a shiny trinket so that I can feel like my completely meaningless opinion matters in the world.”

Singing talent will be a factor this year – Idols SA

Singing talent search television hit South African Idols has shocked the world this morning, after they announced that during the upcoming 14th season of their dream-destroying drama show, talent and musical ability would be actually considered as a factor by the judges.

“We know it’s a huge, bold new step that seems to totally go against what we as a show have stood for this past decade or so, but we think that judging our contestants on singing talent will be just the breath of fresh air this show needs,” said Idols show director Noah Melody. “We’re still going to stick to the other tried and tested, much-loved criteria for singers in our show – for example how ugly or irritating you are, and how dead your parents are or how many AIDS orphans you played guitar with at that charity – but we think this could really spice things up a bit.”

The show's researchers and interview desks have already started scouring the country for the 73 people you’ll actually see on TV standing and singing in front of the judges.

“We think it’s going to be a nice addition,” said junior show researcher Lexi Ploytation. “Just think of how great and controversial the show will be when the judges purposefully drop a better, talented singer and advance some talentless, tone-deaf douche so as to rile up the thousands of screen-bound sheep?”

Though Idols has, in the past, been criticised as a shallow, exploitative and nasty belittlement of human beings and their dreams, the show’s producers and judges have defended it.

“We’re here to help people. Well, person, to be exact. We take that guy or girl from an the entire country's population and turn them into a star,” he said, “we even help them to make that obligatory one-hit crash and burn album they make after winning and subsequently stepping into a life of obsolescence as the country moves onto the next fad star. So what if we utterly demolish the hopes of people we trick into auditioning?”

In spite of the controversy, media pundits have claimed that this year’s show is set to be the biggest yet.

“Hell,” said talent contest media analyst Misty Vhoats, “there might even be three winners this year!