Oscars prepare to totally screw up film awards once more

Cinemaphiles and audiences across the world are working up a frenzy of excitement once more, as they prepare themselves for the annual Oscar Awards, the glitz of the red carpet, and the inevitable disappointment they’ll feel when the ceremony totally snubs the actors and shows which should definitely have won the trophies.

Now in their 88th year, the Oscars have already etched into the world’s culture an unforgettable rich history of creating prestigious awards and then giving them to some other fucking guy who definitely should have not have won.

“The Oscars are a timeless, truly memorable yearly event,” said historian Phil Mireels. “It has a renowned history of taking timeless, classical examples of cinema that deserve to be praised and lauded and that will be remembered, cherished and watched for decades to come, and totally botching the process of recognising how great they are.”

Mireels explained how, despite their rich history making a massive balls-up of who wins the golden statuettes every single goddamn year, this year is set to be truly unforgettable.

“We’ve had a lot of amazing feats of cinematography, directorship and acting be completely overlooked in the past," he said. "Come on, who could ever forget instant classics like Hitchcock's Psycho or Kubrick's Path of Glory getting shit-canned for movies no one even remembers anymore? How can you not cherish moments like the heart-warming, emotionally moving scene between warring brothers which got completely overlooked by the selection committee in City of God?"

“The only big question that remains this year is which totally fucking arbitrary crap film will be given the award and anger us all just like it does every year,” he said.

And with the Oscar’s rich and full history of outright blatantly wrong winners, speculation is rife as to which deserving actors will be snubbed or completely ignored for an Oscar.

”If we look at the extensive of amazing, breathtakingly talented actors who have been completely jilted and overlooked – names like Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Alan Rickman, Brad Pitt, John Malcovich, Michelle Pfeifer, Bill Murray, and Leonardo DiCaprio – then how can you not be excited to see whose brilliance gets beaten by some shitty patriotic war movie filled with flag-shots, lens flare, and an utterly desaturated colour palette consisting entirely of dark, grim blues and greys?" said Mireels. "I mean, we have such a strong field of contenders that it’s difficult to guess which one will be given a symbolic ‘fuck your achievements’ once more."

Pictured above and above-right: Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe are just two
of the illustrious stars to get snubbed by this goddamn ceremony

”I mean, really, what is an Oscars ceremony without you screaming at your television set ‘What the fuck, how did Leonardo Di Caprio not win AGAIN?’ or ‘How in the name of all that is good and right did Catherine Bigelow steal it from Avatar? HOW?’”

And the fans can’t wait.

“It’s going to be the biggest, best and most infuriating ceremony yet,” said film critic and long-time Oscars lover Isla Vilms. “Especially the biggest award, Film of the Year. There’s already is much speculation over which undeserving piece of shit will be given this prestigious award instead of the film everyone knows should win, just like last year and the several decades before it. My friends and I can’t wait to scream expletives at our TV screens.”

However, Vilms – like many thousands of cinemagoers – remains hopefully that she’ll one day see her opinion validated by a meaningless glitzy awards ceremony.

”I know that it’s just a dumb show and that them not winning does nothing to diminish their accomplishments and skills,” she said. “I just think it would be nice to see my favourite actor get a shiny trinket so that I can feel like my completely meaningless opinion matters in the world.”

Thank you, Eskom

A thank you letter to Eskom, from yours truly.

And here is a link to the story mentioned in the text.

Star-soul: your horoscopes 2014

• Capricorn - as the months past and your zodiac aligns with the ancient Grecian constellations of yore, you’ll have a birthday, turning yet another yet older. This will potentially be followed (or in some rare cases, preceded) by Christmas and then by an Easter, a St Patrick’s Day, and three or four bank holidays. But I mean, what were you expecting? Your star-sign is a goat. If you were something more badass, like maybe a dragon, or a cheetah, or even a honeybadger or something, then maybe it would be a different story. But you're not, and so it isn't. Enjoy the mediocrity, goatboy.

  

• Aries – As the moon wanes away from its strongest position in your zodiac, you’ll be suddenly struck with jealousy that you’re not a badass Taurus or a Virgo, whose monthly horoscopes are always way, way better than yours. As they move into financial success and romantic endeavours, you’ll stay at home and brood on what a lonely, lonely existence you lead, and how suicide, quite frankly, is looking evermore enticing at this point in time.

  

• Virgo - You’ll be told three lies and one truth by a writer. You’ll also have great business success, amazing sex, and a swathe of fantastic opportunities to travel to new and exciting places. You’ll also breathe air.

  

• Cancer – This is not your horoscope. I know you. You’re another star sign, like a Capricorn or something, and you’re going through these, maybe seeing how your friends’ or ex-girlfriends’ starsigns are this month. I mean, are you so mean-spiritedly myopic that you really think your ex's life is hell because a bunch of stars say so? Just read your own starsign, okay? Stop being so shallow.

  

• Gemini – With your strongest star in retrograde, you’ll probably die.

  

• Taurus – A mystery appears. You’ll eat some food, and drink some water, and maybe even work up the effort to go down to the gym and do something on the treadmill, maybe some bench presses. I dunno. This month isn’t too special, bro. I wouldn’t count on being blown away.

  

• Scorpio – As Mercury enters the third house, and your zodiac constellation crosses over the dominant chi and energy lines in the sky, you’ll be struck with the realisation of what a bunch of BS this horoscope stuff really is. As you zodiac shifts across other celestial bodies, new knowledge - in the form of finally being aware of how little confidence you have in your own decisions and life that you need a back-pat from a 100-word bit of encouraging text on page 13 of a 45c tabloid - will be gifted to you.

  

• Libra As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. We're not kidding, we looked this stuff up. The science is sound. It's gonna be a great month.

  

• Pisces - As your sign enters its strongest house, you’ll be met by a string of good fortune and favour, with financial success, romantic prospects and opportunities for self-improvement abounding. This is not the same as the last one, we promise. Totally different sign to the one above, bro. We swear. Scout’s honour.

  

• Leo - the fearsome lion, Leo is most comfortable with calming quiet energies. Unless you aren't. In which case this month will bring a rush of adrenaline unlike any other. Fast cars, drugs, women - it's all yours, just reach out and take it. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case quiet your mind and let the universe take control. This is your life, yes, but you don't have to be responsible for every minute detail. Inhale. Exhale. Live. Be at peace. Unless you're the other kind of Leo, in which case take another line of cocaine and stretch life's ass over the table of adolescent zeal and give it a ride it will never forget. Live young, love freely. The future isn't now, and old age is a train that runs us all down. Be loud. Be proud. Unless, you know, you're the other kind of Leo.

  

• Aquarius - As you read this, you'll realise that you're a 23-year-old man who is making fun of horoscopes by actually writing pretty reasonable horoscopes that many might not realise are satire. Suddenly struck by how exhausting it is to produce this kind of work and have it misunderstand, you'll slowly succumb to fatigue, and probably won't even have the energy to finish this sent

  

• Sagittarius - God, there are twelve of these to write. How do horoscope writers not repeat themselves? I mean, it should be very easy to write universally-applicable descriptions of very people who are all incredibly different, but it isn't. I mean, do you know how much of a creative liar you have to be when you make these? You have to constantly cross-reference yourself to see that you haven't said the same garbage in earlier signs. It's like a 12-sided Rubik's cube. I don't even know what to say. You'll make money, or something.

  

Pics: Wikimedia Commons.

Eskom starts star appreciation week

Stargazers are turning heads skywards this week, after South African national electricity provider Eskom kicked off its new Star Appreciation Week celebrations.

The week, which is aimed at cutting down drastically on light pollution in households across South Africa, will allow residents of South Africa to observe our cosmos unhindered by the pesky lamps, globes, bulbs, heaters and cooking appliances that obscure our view of the heavens.

“We’re so excited,” said head of Eskom Rowling Blakowts. “Now you’ll be able to appreciate the infinite beauty of the stars as they shine down on us without the annoying distractions of cellphone chargers, fridge lights or hot water.”

The move has been met by widespread approval and praise.

“I’m so happy,” said one Jo’burg resident. “Without them [Eskom], you’d never even know these stars were there. For example, did you know that right behind your street lights, if you’re standing on your porch, there is the Magellan nebula? Or that, without the security lights on your garage shining right into your eyes, you could usually see the Goran Cluster?”

“I totally agree,” said another. “Gazing up into the infinite and unknowable expanse of our solar system and the universe beyond, it makes you think of how small and insignificant we really are, and how our troubles, such as days-long power outages or half-month water cuts to our community, are really meaningless in the grand scope of things.”

Since the success of the announcement, Blakowts now says that Eskom has “even bigger, better” plans for similar celebratory weeks.

“When was the last time you bathed in the soft glow of simple candle light? When last did you enjoy the rustic, calming roar of a wood fire, or the peaceful murmur of a paraffin lamp?” he asked. “Well, with our new series of Appreciation Weeks, you’ll be sitting and smiling in nostalgic contentment for months on end.”

The announcements have, however, been met with derision and contempt by Zimbabwean electricity company, ZESA, who said they had been appreciating stars, wood fires and the "deep, inexplicable beauty of utter darkness" long before “it was cool”.

“Typical South Africa, always copying us,” said ZESA superintendent Sir Kitt Braykas. “First the colour of our currency, then our ruinous political agenda and our brutal, gung ho police force, and now this. I guess maybe imitation is the sincerest form of flattery: that we’ve been doing this for so long that we’re the experts. Hell, we’ve even been thinking of making an ‘Electricity Appreciation Ten Seconds’ sometime this year. Maybe after National Police Riot Baton Appreciation Week.”

Readers of Muse and Abuse are recommended to print this and other news articles to appreciate in the romantic low glow of next week.

Pic:ForestWander