Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

Teenage boy unsure whether to use smiley, heart emoticon

pic: wikimedia commons

Following Friday night’s message from 14-year-old Jane Hadley to 15-year-old Eric Carlson containing not one but two winking smileys, a hug emoticon and a colon and capital ‘D’ combined to make a grinning text face, the young boy is reportedly unsure how to respond, saying there isn’t a smiley or textual emoticon that fits neatly into the category of appropriate responses.

“We’ve been texting for a while now, and she sent me two x’s the other day, so it’s safe to say that things are getting pretty serious,” he said, gesturing to his Blackberry. “But I can’t use a single x, because we’re past that stage, and even the double x is getting a little stale. I just don’t know what to do.”

According to Carlson, a whole range of usual responses is now unsuitable.

“I can’t send her three x’s, because that might be too forward – you know, a little raunchy? – and if I send back a heart emoticon with a wink and a smile she might read into it too much,” he said. “Usually I would just type out a laugh, you know, ‘hahahahaha’ and then send a winking smiley or two back, but I really want this single instant message to make an impact, a real lasting impression, on her.”

Media Message experts have agreed that the young boy is in quite a conundrum, as moving forward into three x’s, or even a combination of ‘x’s and ‘o’s, is “a definitely too saucy”, and that “most normal smileys available to him are too benign and friendly to convey his true feelings about her”.

“As text smileys stand right now, he’s in a difficult spot,” said Reed Zintouet. “How can he tell the girl how he really feels, what he honestly thinks about her, if all he has are smileys that convey a very limited set of emotions?”

Sources close to the teenage boy now report that he is considering what could almost be proper spelling and grammar to show how much he cares for Jane.

“We looked at his phone the other day and saw that he is now using ‘yuo’ instead of ‘u’ and stuff like ‘too’ and ‘to’ and whole words instead of a garble of vowel-less bastard words,” they said to reporters.

Analysts now estimate Eric to be only four and a half months away from actually talking to Jane, and a mere eight months before they have a full conversation.

“If he keeps at this break-neck pace, they’ll be holding hands before his 17th birthday.”

However, there still is no reliable guess as to when they might one day have sex, as queries to this effect were met with stifled giggles and outbursts of laughter when we mentioned the word ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’.

“He said it again!” said Eric’s friend, Jake. “Hahahahaha, ’penis’!”

Bunch of guys protest misandry, "Feminazi agenda"

Today was a marvellous day for anti-feminazi, anti-misandry victims of the endless campaign of hate and intolerance of men perpetrated by women in an oppressive societal matriarchy, said Men’s Rights Activism Group Bros Against Hoes (BAH), after a bunch of guys launched a series of debates discussing their marginalisation in the workplace, rugby field and in society in general.

The debate was launched to counter the “sick lies of the growing liberal Feminazi agenda”, which seeks to destabilise societal harmony and parity by introducing backward and retrogressive legislation ensuring aberrations like “equal pay” and “the right to choose”. According to BAH, this oppressive influence on global media has too long held the reins of the gender debate.

“Just last week they had a massive march and discussion session, with several of their most highly ranking chicks (maybe like a seven out of ten, maybe a high six at least) coming out of the kitchen long enough to jabber on about ‘women are mistreated this’ and ‘women are underpaid that’. What about men, huh?” said BAH head of operations Andrew Genous. “What about our daily suffering?”

According to Genous, no sandwiches were made at the march or discussion seminars.

“We believe that our own debate series has come to the fore just in time,” he said. “Men across the world suffer brutal oppression, and it’s about time we let the limelight expose the true difficulties of being born with a Y chromosome.”

The marches and debate series are poised at a crucial moment in our history, after reports that singer and producer J-Z was allegedly beaten by Solange Knowles (think Beyonce but not famous). "We need to act now," he said. "Every year dozens of men are beaten by their wives, and yet the world and its harps on about the meagre few women who are assaulted by their husbands and boyfriends."

Genous says that the research into the plight of modern men is damning.

“On average, men are forced to earn 17% more than women, even if they don’t want to, and they are subjected to obligatory easy upward mobility in the workplace, being thrust into positions that they might not necessarily want just because of their gender,” he said. “This snatches men away from their beloved smaller jobs and forces them into so-called ‘prestigious’ corporate positions, often with requisite ‘benefits’ like ‘free dental’ and ‘a company car’. These are just sick euphemisms employed by an uncaring, men-hating corporate world trying to hide their gross injustices. Also, no matter what they wear, men very rarely if ever solicit unwanted sexual advances, and if we do choose to have multiple sexual partners, we are branded with demeaning and insulting labels like ‘stud’ and ‘the man.’ It’s disgusting.”

Genous also added that often the discrimination costs men their jobs and livelihoods.

“Every year, dozens of men are discriminated against unfairly in the workplace – men whose only crime is being able to tell really funny jokes or acting slightly overzealous in their appreciation of the women’s junk. In addition to this, if woman goes into a public place such as a school wearing high-heels, make-up and a tight fitting red dress it’s okay, but if a man does it its ‘perverse’ and ‘a sexual offence’.”

Pro-feminist activists have yet to respond to the allegations, merely stating, “Seriously? I mean, seriously?”

UN to solve "first-world" problems

In a press statement early this morning, the African member-states of the United Nations have announced their decision to move focus from the third world and send aid to start the long process of resolving so-called "first-world" problems.

"All we've had to deal with is hunger and war," said DRC UN Representative Jake Geffries.

"Every day the media bombards us with pictures of traffic jams, internet outages, bad weather, and stories of a guy forgetting to put his microwave higher than the defrost setting before he putting in his two-minute noodles. They've helped us with out problems - it's about time we paid them back," he said.

Images like these have driven thousands of African Nationals to donate to charities such as the Darfur Action Group for Woman Who Accidentally Poke Themselves In The Eye With Their Mascara Brush.

It's a move that has been met with support by the first-world member-states.

"We've been thinking about our impact on places like Darfur Somali, and Rwanda, and many, many other war-torn and poverty- and famine-stricken areas of the world over the last 67 years, and we have come to the conclusion that these places are only slightly less effed than they were when we went in," said UN Secretary General Sendie Nade.

According to Nade, the problems at home have meant that their efforts in other countries have seen little transformation effected.

"The endless aid and piles of money just aren't working, How can we take the splinter out of their eye, when there's a giant log sticking in ours?"

Jessica Maybel, 9, from Nantucket, South Carolina, is just one of the many
who will receive much-needed aid.

According to head of the new movement, Fraish Prespecktif, they plan to create a special taskforce that goes in to deal with the trauma of living in the first-world.

"This new task team will use a special Hashtag alert system on twitter, namely #firstworldproblem, This will allow our agents to pinpoint these gross human rights violations and sweep in on them in real time," he said.

The task force already has a huge stack of documents outlining their plan of action.

"We'll start with making sure that bottles and jars are really, really easy to open, and then work our way into creating a less noisy brand of popcorn to eat during movies, before going on to making sure lecturers don't rub their notes off the blackboard before you've finished taking them down," said Taskforce Coordinator James Peak.

It is a move that has caused thousands of medically-insured, well-fed, decently-housed and comfortable Americans to sigh in relief.

"Every year, thousands of Americans are annoyed by massive social and economic issues," said IT specialist Swetin Smalstuf. "These range from the insidious not being able to tear the cellophane wrapping off their online purchases, to the horrifying having ten cents less than they need for a Flava-Burst Cherry Smoothie."

Even Africans have supported it. "It's about time the UN tackled a problem that they might not take 67 years to fix," said Ugandan Erik Myandando, who actually doesn't live in a hut in the middle of the Serengeti with lions and shit.

However, the UN has their work cut out for them.

"We'll start with the insidious business of child kidnapping that happens year in and year out," said Head Project Manager Tim Burkins. "We hope that, by the end of this year, Angelina Jolie and Madonna will get their kids from normal, American orphanages."