UN to solve "first-world" problems

In a press statement early this morning, the African member-states of the United Nations have announced their decision to move focus from the third world and send aid to start the long process of resolving so-called "first-world" problems.

"All we've had to deal with is hunger and war," said DRC UN Representative Jake Geffries.

"Every day the media bombards us with pictures of traffic jams, internet outages, bad weather, and stories of a guy forgetting to put his microwave higher than the defrost setting before he putting in his two-minute noodles. They've helped us with out problems - it's about time we paid them back," he said.

Images like these have driven thousands of African Nationals to donate to charities such as the Darfur Action Group for Woman Who Accidentally Poke Themselves In The Eye With Their Mascara Brush.

It's a move that has been met with support by the first-world member-states.

"We've been thinking about our impact on places like Darfur Somali, and Rwanda, and many, many other war-torn and poverty- and famine-stricken areas of the world over the last 67 years, and we have come to the conclusion that these places are only slightly less effed than they were when we went in," said UN Secretary General Sendie Nade.

According to Nade, the problems at home have meant that their efforts in other countries have seen little transformation effected.

"The endless aid and piles of money just aren't working, How can we take the splinter out of their eye, when there's a giant log sticking in ours?"

Jessica Maybel, 9, from Nantucket, South Carolina, is just one of the many
who will receive much-needed aid.

According to head of the new movement, Fraish Prespecktif, they plan to create a special taskforce that goes in to deal with the trauma of living in the first-world.

"This new task team will use a special Hashtag alert system on twitter, namely #firstworldproblem, This will allow our agents to pinpoint these gross human rights violations and sweep in on them in real time," he said.

The task force already has a huge stack of documents outlining their plan of action.

"We'll start with making sure that bottles and jars are really, really easy to open, and then work our way into creating a less noisy brand of popcorn to eat during movies, before going on to making sure lecturers don't rub their notes off the blackboard before you've finished taking them down," said Taskforce Coordinator James Peak.

It is a move that has caused thousands of medically-insured, well-fed, decently-housed and comfortable Americans to sigh in relief.

"Every year, thousands of Americans are annoyed by massive social and economic issues," said IT specialist Swetin Smalstuf. "These range from the insidious not being able to tear the cellophane wrapping off their online purchases, to the horrifying having ten cents less than they need for a Flava-Burst Cherry Smoothie."

Even Africans have supported it. "It's about time the UN tackled a problem that they might not take 67 years to fix," said Ugandan Erik Myandando, who actually doesn't live in a hut in the middle of the Serengeti with lions and shit.

However, the UN has their work cut out for them.

"We'll start with the insidious business of child kidnapping that happens year in and year out," said Head Project Manager Tim Burkins. "We hope that, by the end of this year, Angelina Jolie and Madonna will get their kids from normal, American orphanages."

United Nations to review ambassadorial selection policy

This week, Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, was made the United Nation's Ambassador of International Tourism, a decision hailed by many as "the smartest ever since Napoleon invaded Russia".

Director of the Ambassadorial Selection Committee, Mr Wong Choyse, says that the decision has come too late."I look back and I think of all the other great leaders we could have put into UN Ambassadorial positions of power, and I'm sad, because they're no longer with us. As Ambassador of Diversity and Ethnic Tolerance, we could have had Adolf Hilter, or Idi Amin."

However, Choyse said that the decision had sparked a wave of reform in the selection committee.
"The board has opened up to consider many other African leaders for suitable positions in the UN. For example, Joseph Kony is being considered for UN Ambassador for Childrens' Rights. We think that the children will react very positively to him, because his name sounds kind of like 'cone', like an ice-cream."

The decision has also led to a surge of applications from leaders around the world.
Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has put forward his name for Ambassador for Gender Equality.
"I believe that I am as qualified to fulfill this role as Mugabe is to fulfill his as Ambassador of Tourism. After all, I'm a man, which means I'm already twice as qualified as any woman."

However, the call has been met with much criticism. Omar Al-Bashir, President of Sudan, was one of the first to raise his voice in protest.

"What has he done that I haven't?," he said, slamming his skull wineglass on his table of bones.
"It's unfair that he should get a title while i'm ignored."

Teodoro Obiang Nguema, President of Equatorial Guinea, has also added his voice to the complaints.
"It's such an affront to my dignity. All I can do is just sit in my palatial mansion with nothing but my billions to soothe my bruised pride."

The ANC Hipster League have reacted by calling the United Nations, "a bunch of outdated, outmoded copycats.
"We have been putting the wrong people into important positions of power before it was cool," said spokesperson Django Gulliver.

However, a source close to the electoral council has told reports that the decision was just a case of "broken telephone." "When the the president was being discussed, one of the elective committee members put forward a possible position, but the Director misheard. It wasn't supposed to 'tourism', but actually the International Ambassador of terrorism," he said.

However, Director Choyse has been quick to debunk those rumours.
"There's no way we would ever consider making anyone Ambassador of Terrorism," he said reproachfully.
"That position has already been filled by Hasan Izz-Al-Din of the Hezbollah, though we've had difficulty getting in contact with him since his minor misunderstanding with the FBI in 2001."