Shocking new study finds “you’re not even my real dad”

The scientific community is agog today, after breath-taking new research showed undeniable evidence that “you’re not even my real father”.

The commissioned research, which was headed by 17-year-old Rebecca Evansfield and looked deep into the scientific field of Yourdaughterology, found many disturbing correlations and links between data previously thought impossible.

“The research really has swept at least one scientist off his feet,” said Evansfield. “I mean, we found a 75% probability that you’re not the boss of me, which gives rise to the disturbing revelation that it is highly, highly likely that I can do whatever I want”.

And that’s just the beginning, says Evansfield.

“Our findings are as bold as they are startling,” she explained. “Just a few years ago, who would have thought it possible that you can’t tell me what to do anymore, or that there exist a set of very particular theoretical physical models that showed that my being a proper grown up now who doesn't have to listen to you could potentially be more than just a random statistical glitch?”

The findings, however, are fraught with controversy, and are already being contested and criticised by at least one scientist, who - the study suggests - doesn’t deserve to be married to such an amazing woman.

The findings have already been criticised by once-divorced scientist Dr Bardensen.

“Yes, we can agree that there may be an element of truth to the findings,” said 49-year-old senior lab manager at the Centre for Chemical Studies, Michael Bardensen. “Sure, scientists now speculate that this shocking possibility could extend as far as, say, you getting a tattoo on your back, or that it even may have as far-reaching ramifications as your going out whenever you want to, but its whole premise is premature.”

Bardensen stresses that the findings are rash at best.

“The data might suggest that you should be allowed to date that Senior in the football team, or be able go to Tessa’s big house party next Saturday, but I guarantee you that these discoveries are all just a part of the ups and downs of scientific enquiry,” he said. “Already I have found contradictory data that suggests that, actually, you live in my house and don’t pay rent; and previous studies published by I. M. Hyorfahtha et al stress that just wait until your mother hears about this.”

Already Bardensen’s theory has been confirmed by eminent researchers, such as senior researcher for the Home Foundation, Jessica Bardensen nee Evansfield.

“Just wait a few years,” said the counter study in a joint statement this afternoon. “You’ll see that we were right all along.”

We need to ban Gay Marriage right now

Guest writer Johan Van Eksteen presents his most compelling argument against the society-destroying scourge of gay marriage: a cautionary tale we should learn from if we want to stop Satan polluting our beautiful country.

Gay Marriage. It’s a subject that divides us all – unless you’re a man and a man, that is. I’m sure by now we have heard the age-old arguments from the bleeding-heart liberals. And they’re clever arguments, I have to admit. Ingeniously veiled under a shroud of pretence, claiming in carefully constructed, logically sound arguments that it’s a move towards a more truly equal society.

Or so it seems.

But friends, no amount of facts can sway the ugly, dark truth: we’ve been sold a lie, and now it’s time to take it back to the pink, rainbow-velvet curtained store and ask for a full refund.

It destroys the sanctity of marriage

Marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman. I can tell you quite honestly that the sanctity of my first three marriages has been outright ruined by the unions of hundreds of people I’ve never met and will never cross paths with at any stage during the rest of my life.

And please, don’t oh-so-cleverly quote my ex-wives and say I had “multiple affairs” with “that skank from the office”. Gay marriage was legalised years ago – years before any of my marriages, whether we're talking about the first shotgun marriage, the second one that afforded us fantastic tax and housing allowances, or the third one I got because she had a passport that wasn't green. How could I respect my union if its sanctity had been utterly compromised decades before? I fear that my fourth and upcoming marriage (after she leaves her husband so we can be finally be together in public and not just in a cramped, sweaty supplies cupboard) will forever be tarnished. And all because of “the law”.

Gay marriage makes people gay

Remember how in the 1950s in America they banned laws preventing white people and black people getting married, and almost immediately every woman in America married a black man? Well, we’re seeing the same thing today, except with people who have similar genitalia.

Take my son, for example.

Johan Junior used to be just the red-blooded meat-eating rugby-playing bugger any dad would be proud of using as a tool to belittle their co-workers’ children and emasculate every oke in the bar. He was never, ever gay before gay marriage was a thing. In fact, he used to frequently express homophobic slurs and call everyone within earshot a “moffie poof”. When he went into his twenties, he could outdrink everyone, any day of the week. Hell, he could put away booze like a fish in water. Even when he was sitting at home crying in self-loathing while deleting his internet browser history.

Now he tells me he's also gay. I mean, this is what the Gay Agenda wants: to make us all gay. And worse than that, it wants to brainwash us into saying things like "no dad, this is who I've been all along" and "I hated gays because I hated what I was, but now I've come to accept that this is who I am" and even "this is my boyfriend, Steve. Be nice, dad". It likes to pretend that all it wants is a society that doesn't hate people for their sexual orientation, but my friends, we're not going to let the wool be pulled over out eyes (because that sounds like something kinky a gay oke would do).

Why else would I sometimes see John Smit in that rock-climbing shower gel advert and feel certain feelings? Some may say my insecurity in my own sexuality and the subsequent projection of this self-loathing onto people who have nothing to do with me shows me that I maybe have to do some difficult soul-searching - I say that it's the blerrie gay agenda working its fairy dust magicks.

The Bible says it’s wrong

Lots of people laugh at this one, but it’s right there in the Bible. Right there, between the bit about never cutting your hair and not eating crab or shellfish . No, AFTER the part about being allowed to sell your female relatives into slavery. Yes, there, BEFORE the part justifying genocide. See?

What is more true than the Bible? (Except maybe this column, haha). When has religion ever been wrong about anything? When has the church – or any other religion – done something awful in the name of its faith? Never. The Muslims and Jews might be going to burn in hell for all eternity while I sit at Jesus’s right hand (not in a gay way), but at least we all agree that we’ll definitely see gays there.

Moral Degeneration

Every generation has been going slowly to hell, according to the generation before it – and never has this been more true than right now. Just look at the world right before Gay Marriage was made legal: it was a utopian paradise, a beautiful child’s daydream of heavenly euphoria and ceaseless joy – a world where war was impossible and Moral Decency was internationally prevalent.

And now? We can’t even move for stories about disease, war, famine, death, murder, terrorism and - God, dare I say it - Woolworths running out of salmon. Just a coincidence, a correlation – or statistical causation?

I think we all know the answer to that.

After all this, it’s clear to see that South Africa – and indeed the world – needs a wake-up call. If we want to live in peace, prosperity, and universal tolerance - a wondrous era of Moral Good and Golden Era Values of decency and love, then we need to chase these flippen’ gays out and push them to very brink of society and make it illegal to even hug a man unless it’s the Currie Cup final and the Blou Bulle win.

At the end of the day, the only acceptable same-sex marriage is where a man has the same sex with the same woman for the rest of his life.

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit.

Gays to protest marriage

In a stunning turn of events, the gay community has risen up in protest of heterosexual marriage. The decision comes in the light of much international controversy and unwillingness to make gay marriage legal.

According to Fabio Liss, head of the activism movement Stop Straight Marriage (SSM), there has not been enough critical engagement with the "modern, hyper-glamourised and overidealistic notion" of heterosexual marriage.

"Thousand of studies across the globe all agree that 100% of divorces begin with marriage, and thus are the cause of much misery and consternation," said Liss. "We need to stop this sickness before it spreads any further."

Current media depictions of monogamous civil unions like marriage, he said, are extremely misleading. "People think that you'll ride off into the sunset together, to go and stare lovingly into each others' eyes over a picnic basket at the gardens of Versailles."

This, said Liss, is not true.

"We have seen again and again that marriage is not a wonderful blossoming flower of love," he said.

When asked about the church's constant defence of the "sanctity of marriage", he agrees that they do have a point.

"We know that there are a lot of pure, loving, long-term committed relationships that do come about from marriage, like between Britney Spears and K-Fed, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra... the list goes on and on... but we shouldn't let a few shining examples mislead us from the general rule."

Marriage, he says, is the cause of many of the church's woes.

"Yes, heterosexual marriage does, for the most part, make normal, sane, law-abiding citizens, such as Luis Garavito, Gary Ridgway, and John Wayne Gacy, but it has been well-documented that most gay people are the product of heterosexual parents. If the church wants to stop gays, it should stop them at the source."

According to the SSM, marriage is an unnatural act that should be outlawed.

"No other animal in the entire animal kingdom gets married. It's entirely against the laws of nature."

Many of the SSM's homosexual members were confused as to why the church hated them so much.

"We just don't get it. They like ostentatious dress robes, elaborate ceremonies, wine, choral ensembles with 8-part harmonies and people who can't get abortions, and read a book that is full of strong, loveable men. We're practically the same," said James Thomson.

However, the church and many homophobic fucking idiots of its anti-gay-marriage supporters have been quick to defend themselves from this attack.

"This is just another sick part of the Gay Onslaught," said Cardinal Dean Biship. "It's Gay Marriage that's unnatural, because one of the main purposes of marriage is to produce offspring. How are two gay men going to make another baby to add to the obvious problem of global underpopulation?"

His supporters are totally in agreement.

"It's completely unnatural" said part-time chemical engineer and full-time gay-basher Vulof Hayte, handing out t-shirts made from nylon and synthetic dye and hotdogs produced with chemical preservatives at a recent anti-gay-marriage rally. When asked about the hundreds of natural animal species that can be homosexual, he smiled.

"What do think we're going to ban next? Gay horses. Duh."

Biship also touched on fears that gay marriage will turn everyone gay.

"We saw this in 1967, when the Supreme Court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws were unconstitutional and allowed black people and white people to get married. Studies showed that, after that, almost 59% of normal marriages within five kilometers of the mixed marriage had one or both partners immediately turn black." he said.

Bishop is determined to not let the courts win again.

"We can't do anything about that ruling now, because it's not socially acceptable to hate black people - at least not publically. Thank god it's still open season on gays. Thank god."

The church is awash with other fears, such as that the sun will not come up.

Artist's impression of most major cities after legalisation of gay marriage

"Recent studies have shown the the homophobic sun revolves around marriage as a union. If we let our ground slip, the world will be plunged into eternal freezing darkness."

When asked for hard scientific proof, he LOLed. Hard.

"You clearly don't understand the concept of religion."