Scientific link found between aviation ban and cellphones

The aviation and mobile communications industries are all abuzz today, after scientists found conclusive proof linking cellphone use to aeroplane crashes and disasters.

“We’ve cracked it,” said Ian Turfurince, Senior Researcher at the Academy of Aviation Studies. “People have long been saying that cellphones don’t cause plane crashes, but finally we can categorically say, ‘Actually, they do.’ And the reason for this is something we’d never even considered.”

According to research conducts by the team from AAS, cellphones are banned from planes not because their specific electromagnetic wavelength and emissions cause dangerous interference with aviation equipment and other such sensitive devices, but rather simply because of people’s fucking loud and irritating conversations.

“Think about it,” explained the 600-page research report, “when you’re on a plane, knees braced against your chest, the kid behind you kicking your seat, some blasted baby screaming its stupid head off four rows back, all whilst you struggle to catch half an hour of sleep on your overnighter to London, you’d think nothing could make it worse.”

“But science has shown that, if your neighbour was, in mid-flight, able to crack open his cellphone and blather on about some pointless bullshit, continuously asking ‘can you hear me now? Can you hear me NOW?’, you can imagine that it can, indeed, get much, much worse.”

Researchers now say that planes are a lot more likely to suffer crashes due to the simple fact that pilots can’t take another goddamn second of your inane, pointless blithering.

And pilots agree.

“It’s true,” said flight officer Nina Leven. “I hear people talking in too-loud conversations in restaurants with their business- or romantic partners, and it makes me so glad that, at that moment, I am not responsible for the lives of 96 passengers and a 7-man flight crew. People need to realise their actions have heavy ramifications for those around them: if we were to allow cellphones in-flight and you say something like “no, you hang up” fourteen times in a voice so loud that even the paupers back in economy are able to feel the vomit rise in their throats, there may be unforeseen consequences.”

However, researchers now say that this is just the first step in ensuring aeroplanes are a safer, less irritating environment for all.

“It’s certainly a start, but there’s still much work to do,” said Turfurince. “Now we just need to find a scary, unscientific link between complex aviation equipment and other potential safety hazards on board: such as that guy who keeps farting and acting like it’s not him, screaming babies, and that fat dude who fights tooth and nail to have both armrests for himself.”

Mass media Christmas comes early

The global mass media are singing in jubilation today, after a religiously and racially motivated suicide bombing carried out by two interracial handicapped Ebola-infected pregnant lesbians killed 253 people in a mall during a hurricane last weekend.

Current death estimates now include at least 182 white people, three famous premiere league footballers, eighteen children with adorable family photos and one middling pop star.

“This really is the story of a lifetime,” said Chief News Editor for SkyNews Miss Leigh Dzew. “Just look at it: it ticks all the boxes – sex, death, religion, race, football, pop culture and the weather? I mean, we would have been just happy with such a death toll of white faces – especially when they’re children – but we also get dealt a hand that includes themes of gun control, terrorism, sex and football stars AND celebrities? It’s almost too good to be true!”

“The space for news coverage here is infinite, endless,” said the CEO of SkyNews while trying to hide an enormous money-erection. “We can have on-air debates between violently disagreeing sides. We can open up comments sections. We can cover minute details of each of the victims’ lives. We can go on a no-holds-barred in-depth expose of the killers’ histories, childhoods, favourite brand of breakfast cereal, everything. This is billions of pageviews. It’s innumerable online comments, reaction blogs and reader flamewars. It’s thousands of hours of television. God, just think how much advertising revenue that is!”

Many editors have welcomed the news with huge smiles, saying what it a relief has been – particularly in light of the news dry season they’ve been suffering.

“We’ve had a bit of a tough time these past few weeks,” said editor of the Sunday Times, Tabby Loids. “Sure, we’ve had Boko Haram, Ebola, shooting sprees and Russian missile strikes to keep us busy cranking the arm of our fear machine, but what with Mandela’s death naught but a distant memory and Oscar’s trial now having a reached a premature end, we’ve been grasping at straws. I mean, we have been coping – you know, derailing focus from massive scientific achievements and simultaneously throwing a smoke bomb over the real, invisible issues of an entire scientific industry by having pages-long coverage of an ugly shirt – but it’s been hard.”

Many other news editors agree.

“This is more than we could have dreamed of,” said another. “I mean, I was crossing my fingers for a school bus full of children to be kidnapped or their school shot up by a psychopathic madman, or maybe for a corrupt oil company to cause a massive spill that utterly devastates hundreds of miles of pristine coast line and drives an entire species of marine birdlife into extinction, but this… we’d never thought it would come like this. This is Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Eid, Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Day and all of our birthdays wrapped in one beautiful, rare package.”

Editors’ only fears, they now say, is that they have too much on their plate.

“We are an industry of capable of creating a planetwide system of unnecessary panic and baseless fear around a disease 99.999% of all humans will never get (we do this every few years, even though you’re more likely to die choking on this blogsite),” said Loids. “So how are we supposed to deal with such extensive and rich subject matter?”

News analysts now say that this coming coverage could potentially cause mass riots, copycat attacks and global hysteria by perhaps as early as next Friday – a prospect that has editors on the edge of their seats.

“We have to be very careful with this story,” said Lee. “One word out of place, one misplaced fact, one incorrect quotation… and we could miss out on what may be the news event we’ve all been waiting for.”

Pic: Public Domain, from US National Archives (524396 NARA National Archives and Records Administration)

Economy, citizens take massive knock as exams end

South Africa as a whole has been left reeling this morning, as exams ended across the country, with many citizens reporting massive trauma and memory loss, and financial experts saying that the economy might take years to recover.

South Africa ten minutes before losing economic stability.

"The unemployment rate rose drastically this morning," said financial analyst Luke Atstats. "Even taking into account our provisions for degrees we knew would definitely end up with unemployment, the figure is incredibly higher than we first predicted. The country may take years to recover."

The South African economy has been left in shambles due to other massive knocks stemming from this occurrence, too. 

"Entire sectors of the economy, such as our energy drinks industry and our homeopathic study aids and stress-reducer production industries have both been hit by their lowest recorded sales, ever," said Minister of Finance, Miss Spen Daquash.

"However," she continued, "this has been counterbalanced to a certain degree by a marked increase in sales of wine, hard liquor, and late-night pies."

The sales figures speak for themselves (not literally, of course. Because that would mean that an inanimate graph has the ability to reason and state opinions/facts on its own behalf, which would require some higher levels of intelligence, thus opening the door to all kinds of theoretical debates concerning whether or not a chart has a soul. Which it doesn't.)

However, the economy is not the only thing to have suffered a massive knock: peoples' brains have been left scrambled, thanks to this new event.

According to post-exam surveys conducted around the country, many students have been left with massive memory loss and confusion.

"I walked out of my Maths exam, and looked down at the paper," said student Joel N. Hard, "and all of a sudden I couldn't understand a single sigil or sign on the paper. It was like reading gibberish, hieroglyphics, or my doctor's prescriptions."

Other students are reporting similar loss of memory. "I looked through [the paper] afterwards, and now I'm not even sure that "despatialised commonality" and "geosyncrinocity" are real words," said 20-year-old Gohan Toufeil.

Youtube and many other internet sites are also reporting a massive drop in numbers of people spending hours and hours on their sites playing games or repeatedly watching and sharing that hilarious video of that monkey accidentally hitting itself in the nuts with a rock.

"People just aren't bored anymore, Now they have better things to do with their time, and it really has hit us hard. We've had to lay off at least one guy in our offices," said CEO of Youtube, Wayne Stintime. 

However, many parents and lecturers have reacted positively to this sudden event.

"Thank god. If I had to repeat that whole 'ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Great Hall, blah blah, cellphones are switched off, blah blah' I would have killed myself," said Physics lecturer Oliver Newton. "I'm just glad it's all over," he said, before bursting into tears when we told him about aegrotat exams.

"I have no comment," said Dean of Students, Divian ke Vlerk. "Why are you still writing down what I'm saying? Stop it. Stop writing. I mean it. If you don't put that pen down, I'll call security and have you taken out. John, call CPU," she said.

"I'm glad exams are over," said your father with relief. "That means I don't have to pay for so-called 'books' and 'sundry expenses' every weekend. Like I don't know where my money is doing," he said, rolling his eyes. He went on to add that this new phase of life did come with many particular challenges, particularly on how, exactly, he is going to spend all this money that he has now that your ass has to get a real job.

Many students have also reacted positively. 

"I don't care if I can't remember a single thing I studies for. It's all in the past," said Tony Jones, cracking open a beer as if he hadn't been drinking during exams anyway.

Experts, however, have been quick to warn of an impending rise in depression.

"Analysis of historical trends have shown that this burst of elation is only temporary," said lead researcher Alan Yze. "There is always a boom that lasts a few weeks, but suddenly, in mid-December, there is widespread depression and bitter remorse."

Expect to weep bitterly and an existential crisis as you reconsider your choice of career sometime in late December.