"Dream of free education finally realised” says protester standing in university ruins

Astounding student victory celebrations light up radioactive crater where university halls and lecture venues once stood

Celebrations are rocking the UCT ruins today, after protesters and students announced the realisation of their dream of free university education for all. According to eyewitnesses on the ground, protesters have been flocking to the desolate lecture buildings and art-stripped residences to celebrate the stunning achievement.

“Finally we will get the education we all fought so hard for,’ said one student speaking from the crumbled smoking ruins of the UCT admin building. “Once upon a time, these halls teemed with students who paid to receive one of the finest educations in the entire continent. Those days are over.”

The student, 19-year-old sociology major Ray Kingball, explained why this single goal was so important.

“Accessible education is something everyone needs,” he explained. “There is nothing we wouldn’t do in our campus protests to realise that dream. Torch busses; demolish the residences; hell, even burn down the library: that’s how serious we are about winning this fight for a quality education for all and a better tomorrow.”

And despite public outcry over their methods, student protest leaders have echoed Kingball’s sentiments.

“Some people say ‘but don't the destruction of valuable resources and infrastructure and the defacement of buildings actively contribute to the already awful education crisis in South Africa’, but they don’t get it,” said student activist and bonfire enthusiast Bernadette Nophies. “Only violence solves these issues – history has shown us that Martin Luther King and Mandela had to destroy everything and enact daily acts of aggression and violence to enact sweeping changes to their country’s oppressive systems.”

“I mean, how could anyone forget the 80s and 90s when all those gay people tore down crosses, burn bibles by the dozen and torched churches so that they could have equal access to marriage?”

“We will not stand this oppressive violent system anymore,” she said, tossing a petrol bomb into the Vice Chancellor’s office. “Violence should be destroyed with extreme prejudice.”

Despite yearly cuts to funding and subsidies, as well as government pressure sto continue yearly growth at 10% per annum, VC’s and university officials are assureing students that the money situation should not even be thought of.

“Yes, everyone’s asking how we’ll ever be able to pay for journal subscriptions, upkeep and maintenance, proposed expansions to meet growing student numbers, wages and salaries for staff and lecturers, and still also give out research grants, bursaries and scholarship opportunities as well as financial assistance, but students shouldn’t worry,” said the new VC in charge, Eric Sanders. “We’ve heaped some fertilizer onto the campus money tree, and the campus money printing press has had its dial turned up to 11, so it should all be good.”

Students have gathered at the Main Admin Block (pictured)
to celebrate their stunning achievement. 

However, students remain opposed to the movement.

“Violence is laaike never the answer, charna,” said TUKS BA Fingerpainting student and rugby spectator Ekvil Moerem, “It doesn’t matter if it’s educations, or paintings, or busts of historically progressive figures – you know, anything what isn’t rugby. What they need to learn is that Nothing will ever be resolved by devolving into violence and destruction.”

And it’s a lesson Moerem believes they will learn.

“Even if we – or the police – need to beat that lesson into them.”

Mass media Christmas comes early

The global mass media are singing in jubilation today, after a religiously and racially motivated suicide bombing carried out by two interracial handicapped Ebola-infected pregnant lesbians killed 253 people in a mall during a hurricane last weekend.

Current death estimates now include at least 182 white people, three famous premiere league footballers, eighteen children with adorable family photos and one middling pop star.

“This really is the story of a lifetime,” said Chief News Editor for SkyNews Miss Leigh Dzew. “Just look at it: it ticks all the boxes – sex, death, religion, race, football, pop culture and the weather? I mean, we would have been just happy with such a death toll of white faces – especially when they’re children – but we also get dealt a hand that includes themes of gun control, terrorism, sex and football stars AND celebrities? It’s almost too good to be true!”

“The space for news coverage here is infinite, endless,” said the CEO of SkyNews while trying to hide an enormous money-erection. “We can have on-air debates between violently disagreeing sides. We can open up comments sections. We can cover minute details of each of the victims’ lives. We can go on a no-holds-barred in-depth expose of the killers’ histories, childhoods, favourite brand of breakfast cereal, everything. This is billions of pageviews. It’s innumerable online comments, reaction blogs and reader flamewars. It’s thousands of hours of television. God, just think how much advertising revenue that is!”

Many editors have welcomed the news with huge smiles, saying what it a relief has been – particularly in light of the news dry season they’ve been suffering.

“We’ve had a bit of a tough time these past few weeks,” said editor of the Sunday Times, Tabby Loids. “Sure, we’ve had Boko Haram, Ebola, shooting sprees and Russian missile strikes to keep us busy cranking the arm of our fear machine, but what with Mandela’s death naught but a distant memory and Oscar’s trial now having a reached a premature end, we’ve been grasping at straws. I mean, we have been coping – you know, derailing focus from massive scientific achievements and simultaneously throwing a smoke bomb over the real, invisible issues of an entire scientific industry by having pages-long coverage of an ugly shirt – but it’s been hard.”

Many other news editors agree.

“This is more than we could have dreamed of,” said another. “I mean, I was crossing my fingers for a school bus full of children to be kidnapped or their school shot up by a psychopathic madman, or maybe for a corrupt oil company to cause a massive spill that utterly devastates hundreds of miles of pristine coast line and drives an entire species of marine birdlife into extinction, but this… we’d never thought it would come like this. This is Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Eid, Thanksgiving, Martin Luther King Day and all of our birthdays wrapped in one beautiful, rare package.”

Editors’ only fears, they now say, is that they have too much on their plate.

“We are an industry of capable of creating a planetwide system of unnecessary panic and baseless fear around a disease 99.999% of all humans will never get (we do this every few years, even though you’re more likely to die choking on this blogsite),” said Loids. “So how are we supposed to deal with such extensive and rich subject matter?”

News analysts now say that this coming coverage could potentially cause mass riots, copycat attacks and global hysteria by perhaps as early as next Friday – a prospect that has editors on the edge of their seats.

“We have to be very careful with this story,” said Lee. “One word out of place, one misplaced fact, one incorrect quotation… and we could miss out on what may be the news event we’ve all been waiting for.”

Pic: Public Domain, from US National Archives (524396 NARA National Archives and Records Administration)

Blatter and Brazil "won't last, just a fling" - relationship experts

Relationship experts have extended their warnings and concerns to buxom young bombshell Brazil this morning, saying they believe current flame Sepp Blatter "does not have her best interests at heart", and that she should as soon as possible get herself out of what is sure to become a traumatic and abusive relationship.

"Brazil is young, carefree and just mad about Football," said concerned friends and family after they read the report, "and so we can see why she'd be attracted to Blatter - but she's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she's getting into, what huge ramifications that await her down this dark, miserable and dreary path."

Blatter has reportedly moved into his new love interest's home - but is already showing his dark side.

"She's had to force some of her brothers and sisters to move out and make room for all the strangers Blatter knows, and I think he's making her spend all her money on things for him," said Brazil's close friend and neighbour Ura Guay. "He doesn't care about her. He just wants to ravage her, take, take, take, and then one day, after all the partying and celebration is over, she'll wake up hungover and mired in debt and see that he has left her, the bastard, and is now fawning over some young Italy or England, showering the same empty promises and praise over them even as he slips their wallets and jewellery into his coat pocket."

Pictured: Swiss hunk, badboy, Micheal Caine
impersonator, and Brazil's toxic new
boyfriend, Blatter.

Already past lovers and weeping, struggling exes have added their voices to the controversy, saying that "Blatter is sexy, yes, that's undeniable - every young country wants him" but that "entering a relationship with him was a sure sign of desperation and misery to come."

"I can remember how he acted like I was the only country he cared about," said a teary South Africa, who told a sympathetic media of their abusive relationship. "He made me feel young, proud, like I was actually equal to all those other first-world babes he's been with, stringing me along with all these lies about how I was the envy of all the other countries, how I could be the best in the world - despite my current medical condition, Bafana-bafanaeriosis."

Soon, she said, things turned sour.

"He started buying all this stuff we don't need - like an upper-middle-class Capetonian in a Woolworths," said South Africa, hugging her knees. "I told him, again and again, that I had health bills, socioeconomic issues, I needed proper housing and to improve my infrastructure. But he was a toxin, addictive and dangerous. He showed me a big, glitzy world, and we went mad, buying massive stadiums, overhauling city busses and all this other stuff."

She wiped away her tears, struggling to contain sobs, of which we got a wonderful 1080p HD close-up.

"And the worst part is, it now all just lies around, unused and gathering dust, a haunting reminded of the mistakes I made. I should have known! There's a reason he looks like a Sith Lord!"

However, experts now predict that the toxic fling will burn out in about a month - perhaps even less.

"He's been harping on to close friends and mates in the bar about how fiiiiiine Qatar is looking, that he just wants to get in there and rip that ass up, take what he can and dump the bitch," said one analyst. "He's sick."

And in related news, a country is increasingly concerned and anxious that it will soon be eligible to host a World Cup. The country appeared on TV this morning, a sorry mess biting its nails and pacing back and forth, to say that it was probably as worried as Planet XL22194 was when it was diagnosed in 2004 by Astrophysicists as "capable of one day supporting the rampant ecological destruction commonly known as 'human life'."