Heartbreak "a billion-dollar industry" - Financial Experts

Has your significant other just abandoned you and utterly shattered your belief in love? Well don’t worry, because you could be giving the economy a much-needed boost, say researchers at the Institute for Market Studies.

Yes, according to scientists at the IMS, having your bitch ex-girlfriend leave you for that douche Bradley and then post all those goddamn ‘#love’ selfies that clutter your feed every waking minute making you realise that love is just a lie our parents rub into us to deal with the howling loneliness that is life might be better than you’d think.

“On the surface, having my ex-wife pack my kids into my car and empty our joint bank account before running off to Spain with the dentist she’s been banging for the last three years seems awful,” said chief researcher for the IMS Ivana Kilmisylf. “But actually, when we look at things like Taylor Swift CD sales, exorbitant legal fees stemming from months-long acrimonious divorce cases, and the massive surge in sales of chocolate, alcohol and high-grade antidepressants, it’s much better for the economy than you’d think.”

Heartbreak is now the fourth most profitable human quality, just after love, fearful paranoia, and hatred.

Pictured: artist's depiction of a burgeoning, health economy

”Just think about it,” he added. “Every time someone buys a needlessly expensive gym membership, fancy clothes or a new haircut to try and recover some shred of self-worth from the harrowing loss of their lover, that’s money flowing into the economy.”

And when you factor in sales of double-choc-nut-fudge ice cream, junk ‘comfort’ foods, terrible romantic-comedy DVDs, and all those stupid impulse credit card purchases you made on Amazon to trick yourself into something vaguely resembling happiness, financial experts say heartbreak could potentially equal love as a GDP booster.

“Sure, it might not be anywhere near the global-economy-steroid market-leaders such as hatred, war, fear, and albums by the irritating boybands,” said Financial Times editor Helen Erth, “but, when you think of all the pointless crap you buy after your boyfriend dumps you and makes out with that skank Mandy right in front of you at your favourite nightclub, then we can easily see how heartbreak is pound-for-pound an equally important contender as happiness, joy or love are.”

"In fact, each photo of that piece of shit and his new whore holding hands or kissing with the goddamn sunset in the background could potentially be worth thousands of dollars,' she added. "I know for sure that it's worth exactly the price of a semi-automatic handgun."

And it’s something economists hope will never change.

“You know, sometimes I imagine a world free of suffering - a world of perfect love and harmony, a world where human beings never go through the stresses and trauma of a troubled relationship, and I shudder,” said Erth. “Christ, can you imagine the fiscal losses we’d have to report?”

Blatter and Brazil "won't last, just a fling" - relationship experts

Relationship experts have extended their warnings and concerns to buxom young bombshell Brazil this morning, saying they believe current flame Sepp Blatter "does not have her best interests at heart", and that she should as soon as possible get herself out of what is sure to become a traumatic and abusive relationship.

"Brazil is young, carefree and just mad about Football," said concerned friends and family after they read the report, "and so we can see why she'd be attracted to Blatter - but she's not thinking straight. She doesn't know what she's getting into, what huge ramifications that await her down this dark, miserable and dreary path."

Blatter has reportedly moved into his new love interest's home - but is already showing his dark side.

"She's had to force some of her brothers and sisters to move out and make room for all the strangers Blatter knows, and I think he's making her spend all her money on things for him," said Brazil's close friend and neighbour Ura Guay. "He doesn't care about her. He just wants to ravage her, take, take, take, and then one day, after all the partying and celebration is over, she'll wake up hungover and mired in debt and see that he has left her, the bastard, and is now fawning over some young Italy or England, showering the same empty promises and praise over them even as he slips their wallets and jewellery into his coat pocket."

Pictured: Swiss hunk, badboy, Micheal Caine
impersonator, and Brazil's toxic new
boyfriend, Blatter.

Already past lovers and weeping, struggling exes have added their voices to the controversy, saying that "Blatter is sexy, yes, that's undeniable - every young country wants him" but that "entering a relationship with him was a sure sign of desperation and misery to come."

"I can remember how he acted like I was the only country he cared about," said a teary South Africa, who told a sympathetic media of their abusive relationship. "He made me feel young, proud, like I was actually equal to all those other first-world babes he's been with, stringing me along with all these lies about how I was the envy of all the other countries, how I could be the best in the world - despite my current medical condition, Bafana-bafanaeriosis."

Soon, she said, things turned sour.

"He started buying all this stuff we don't need - like an upper-middle-class Capetonian in a Woolworths," said South Africa, hugging her knees. "I told him, again and again, that I had health bills, socioeconomic issues, I needed proper housing and to improve my infrastructure. But he was a toxin, addictive and dangerous. He showed me a big, glitzy world, and we went mad, buying massive stadiums, overhauling city busses and all this other stuff."

She wiped away her tears, struggling to contain sobs, of which we got a wonderful 1080p HD close-up.

"And the worst part is, it now all just lies around, unused and gathering dust, a haunting reminded of the mistakes I made. I should have known! There's a reason he looks like a Sith Lord!"

However, experts now predict that the toxic fling will burn out in about a month - perhaps even less.

"He's been harping on to close friends and mates in the bar about how fiiiiiine Qatar is looking, that he just wants to get in there and rip that ass up, take what he can and dump the bitch," said one analyst. "He's sick."

And in related news, a country is increasingly concerned and anxious that it will soon be eligible to host a World Cup. The country appeared on TV this morning, a sorry mess biting its nails and pacing back and forth, to say that it was probably as worried as Planet XL22194 was when it was diagnosed in 2004 by Astrophysicists as "capable of one day supporting the rampant ecological destruction commonly known as 'human life'."

Girl “really starting to abuse” guy’s friendship

A local area man is reportedly at the end of his tether today, after he told reporters that Jessica Heiders, 23, who still hasn’t slept with him despite his kind actions and thoughtful attitude towards her for a number of years now, is starting to abuse his “sincere and honest friendship.”

Eric Jackson says he first met the part-time student and full-time heartless ice queen at a school social between their high schools three years ago. According to Jackon, he was immediately smitten.

“She was as beautiful as an overused comparative metaphor that describes how beautiful something is,” he said. The romantic and spontaneous meet-cute between them, when he tagged along with his mates to meet a bunch of chicks, was definitely true love, he recalls. “She spoke to me and she had a Y chromosome - she was perfect! Plus we like ALL the same things. She likes the Beatles and I like the Beatles. She likes food – holy crap, I looooove food. She loves Taylor Swift, oh my god, I absolutely love pretending that I love Taylor Swift!”

It was only after they ended up at the same university, however, that he knew it was really meant to be.

“I mean, of all the tertiary education institutes to apply for to read for a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, she picks Rhodes University. What are the CHANCES?!?!?!”

Jackson’s hopes, however, were soon dashed, after Heiders started showing her exploitative, manipulative colours.

“Every morning at Res Breakfast for the past three years now I’ve sat with her and chatted about her dreams and her ambitions in life, her deepest fears and anxieties, her struggles with her alcoholic dad and her depressed mom, and also about where she sees herself in ten years not just as a career woman, but as a fully-fledged being in this mixed-up and confusing world,” he said, “and still she hasn’t slept with me. I just don’t get it.”

He added that to date not a single even vaguely sexual action had occurred between them – this even despite him writing about her in his diary on a daily basis, and composing long, multi-stanza poems dedicated to her.

“She can’t see honest and sincere I am, that I would never want to hurt her and how I’m always there for her,” he said to reporters. “Instead she just hooks up with all these other douchebags. Like, guys who play musical instruments or have so-called ‘confidence’ and who waste all their time playing sports and doing gym stuff. I mean, what do they have that I don’t? You know, except self-confidence, anything vaguely classifiable as ‘sex appeal’ or knowledge of how poetry should be written beyond a cliché and monotonous A-A-B-B-C-C flat rhyme scheme?”

Jackson has now told reporters that he is no longer sure whether or not being a true friend with no ulterior motives is a good strategy for having a right proper shag with her.

“I just don’t know anymore,” he said. “Maybe I should start being an arsehole? Like, only pretend to care about her as a person while all time the only thing I want to do is have a cheap shag? That’s what all those other moron douche kings do to her.”

However, many of his friends have strongly defended him, saying that it is not his fault, but that the blame rests entirely on her leading-him-on shoulders.

“All these years of being her shoulder to cry on, the guy who will never betray her, and still she hasn’t even touched his dick. Clearly, the bitch doesn’t understand the concept of romantic feelings towards other people,” they said in a joint statement. “Everyone knows that when you like a person that much then that person is obliged to return those feelings. Simple.”

Starting tomorrow, Fuller is now set to embark on long, snide rants about giving up on love in the face of her heartless and hurtful apathy, before moving on to spouting embittered and ennui-fuelled diatribes of cognitive dissonance later this week, mostly about how he “didn’t even really like her that much anyway.”