Swaziland witches protest govt flight restriction

The Swaziland Association for Witchcraft and Wizardry has this morning announced plans for a series of strikes and protest actions against the Swaziland government following its controversial decision to restrict all witches from flying above 150m.

The flight altitude restrictions, which were put into law last week, would fine any lawbreaking masters of muti, the dark arts or black magic R500 000 for going over the newly imposed limit.

"It's backwards and utterly ridiculous to put in such a law. It makes no sense," said Swaziland citizen Matt Henderson, who asked not to be named. "No one would have ever thought that such a law would even be entertained by citizens and lawmakers - I mean, we all know Swazi witches use their brooms to fling potions at houses and perform incantations, not fly."

The Swaziland government, however, is adamant that such a move is necessary.

"We can't have sorcery in plane engines," said Civil Aviation Authority spokeswoman Seess Wichcroft. "The tokoloshe-bringing hazards they pose on ground-level must not be allowed in the skies." He added, however, that witches were still free to fly below this level. "We don't want the people of other countries to think we're backwards, anti-progressive and witchophobic."

However, the law has been extensively critised by the Sangoma and N'anga Association of Southern Africa.

"Many of our members are not evil witches, but are still grouped under this hurtful law. Some of them make a fair amount of their money protecting would-be air travellers from the dangers of modern aviation," said Chairwizard Aldus Bumblemoore. "We also have a ten-year contract to provide muti application processes to all the 747s and A-380s in the Swazi fleet." This, said Bumblemoore, constitutes an illegal reversal of a contractual agreement, as the airlines argue that they no longer need protection.

He went to outline the dangers of this arguement. "You see, they haven't yet passed legislature restircting the operational limits of tokoloshes and evil spirits. Unless we have formal laws and limitations on where these insidious creatures can practice their trickery, passengers are still in danger."

The government declined to comment on the matter, saying that they were still waiting for their bone-throwers and intestine-readers to get back to them with an official response.

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.