Historic protest “actually pretty damn boring”, says protester

Pic by M de Klerk

Disappointment abounds today, after protesters – who turned out in their hundreds expecting to face tear gas, stun grenades and the terrifying history of brutality of the South African Police Service – realised that historic, nation-changing protests are far more peaceful and boring than their media feeds make them seem.

“What’s even the damn point in being here?” said embittered protester Molly Tov, altering her placard to read ‘Ban stun grenades – but come on, just use one so I can see what it’s all about’.

“I’ve seen dozens of hours of video of flashbang grenades, chemical watercannons that drive you crazy with itching, and rubber bullets; I’ve read countless articles outlining the ceaseless street violence, racial tensions, and rampant vandalism. Where is all this stuff? All I've seen today is just a peaceful protest demanding a long-overdue, positive change for the future. I mean, WTF is this kak?”

Protests mill around awkwardly waiting for the first
stun grenade to be thrown like in their
Twitter feeds.
Pic: M de Klerk

Other protesters have agreed.

“A few days ago I was so excited to do my bit: you know, stand against the exploitative capitalist system, maybe march a bit, not have to hand in my Economics essay that’s due later today,” said post-graduate Economics student Reeva Lution. “I turned on the news on TV and all I saw was endless replayed footage and in-studio analysts saying ‘blerrie students looting and destroying campus and spraying blerrie graffiti everywhere’. And then I get here and all it is boring hours of standing peacefully by barricades, turning cars away, calmly explaining our agenda to passers-by. I didn’t even get beaten to a pulp or wrongfully arrested. What kind of protest is this?”

However, some students say they might know the reason for such counter-intuitive events.

“I’m busy dusting off my application for NMMU and UCT,” said second-year Anthropology student, Emma Pee. “That way I can get a decent education AND have better struggle credentials from taking a smoke grenade to the back of the head.”

Whatever the controversy, all protesters can agree that the protest action shows how South Africa is transforming into an enviable nation of peace and progress.

“Let’s just think about what we’ve accomplished this week: the SAPS didn’t murder hundreds of civilians, Blade Nzimande actually fucking did something for a change, and students realised that people protesting to make their fees cheaper isn’t something they should bitch about on Twitter,” said the MIPMustFall movement in a statement this morning.

"Now we just have to get our protest movement to focus on the things that truly hurt and disadvantage all university students: Tuesday's Braised Club Steak in the Dining Hall. That shit needs to fall, ASAP.

School shooting not nearly serious enough to change law, society

The nation is underwhelmed this morning, after a minor mass shooting at a primary school – which left only a meagre 24 children and a mere 6 teachers dead – failed to be grave or shocking enough to inspire legislative and constitutional changes in the nation’s legal structure.

According to eyewitnesses, the shooting only lasted 43 minutes, and failed to claim the lives of anyone younger than the age of 12.

“When we think about the kinds of terror-inspiring, numbing horrors that we’ve encountered and seen plastered bloodily across our TV screens on an almost monthly basis, then clearly this tiny blimp on the mass murder radar just simply isn’t enough to inspire our politicians and countrymen to take the huge selfless leap necessary to create a better, safer society,” said political analyst and school shooting expert Loki Nlode. “If we want to have our country changed for the better, then I just hope the nation’s unstable psychopaths start upping their game, for example by at least taking out a preschool or something.”

Experts now believe that the shooting came in at just number 12 in the Top Shooting Spree Rankings of Q4 2015.

“This shooting, well, it might as well not even have been reported,” said chief investigator Chuu Tsukyl. “I mean, they didn’t even use a calibre bigger than .303, and the killer didn’t even have a racist or misogynistic manifesto that motivated his hate crime. Honestly, I’m not surprised that it was only front-page breaking news on just 34 international news services.”

And editors say it’s a justified choice.

“Right now, with the Syrian bombings and awful political situations unfolding in the Ukraine and Greece, we need something else that’s lighter and less serious on our screens to calm down anxious parents and voters - something like this comparative yawn-fest that utterly fails to shock or horrify our nation's leaders into action” said CNN senior news editor Thysys Justin. “So we’ll keep it blaring on the 24/7 breaking news or developing stories roll for a short while, at least until we run out of frightening stock footage of blaring sirens, flashing blue and red lights, armed policemen and weeping, shell-shocked parents.”

However, other news services don’t believe this will happen anytime soon.

“Seriously, we have thousands of hours of that kind of disturbing, bloodcurling imagery from just the last six months alone,” said political editor at the BBC, Gunther Kiddsdown. “We’ll probably just cut it off after 6 days of terrifying, around-the-clock bulletins.”

Iraq, Afghanistan announced US “Humanitarian intervention”

Citing the extreme violence and riots in Baltimore in the United States of America, leading political figures of Iraq, Iran, and other Eastern nation states have announced a humanitarian military intervention into the United States.

”It’s awful,” said Fuad Masum, President of Iraq. “When we look at the almost civil war and societal unrest happening in this country, how can we remain inactive? America was the country that brought us democracy. Sure they launched an unfounded revenge war and created an atmosphere ripe for radical extremism, but if we just let them suffer in silence, then which of us are the true monsters?”

”Besides,” he added, “we still have all their tanks and military assault rifles and munitions here. It would be nice to put them to use, or just give them back.”

Other Eastern Leaders have agreed.

“Just look at America. It’s slowly devolving into a brutal police state devoid of respect for basic human dignity and rights. They have martial law and state-enforced curfews in trying to quell huge demonstrations against an allegedly brutal police state. ” said President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyann of the United Arab Emirates. “We have much experience in exactly these things. We can apply our expertise and return the country to its former peace.”

The international aid effort has been met by unhesitating applause by well-known Aid Organisations, such as AfriCare and Red Cross Africa.

“Every time we have riots of civil unrest here, they always express concern and want to step in and help,” said Project head of OxFam Kenya. “These poor, suffering Americans need our help, and it’s up to us to save these destitute, suffering people.”

It’s not all bad news, however, as Islamic extremist organisation ISIS has announced they’re relaxing their efforts.

“We can take a much-deserved break here,” said spokesperson for the group, Joe Hadi. “Besides, it looks like the hedonistic, godless West is destroying itself just fine without us even lifting a finger.”

Facebook user yet to prove he's against xenophobia

Public concern is approaching an all-time high, after another day passed where a Facebook user hasn't changed his cover picture or posted a status denouncing xenophobia and condemning the series of hate crimes that have recently hit South Africa's population.

According to everyone on his friend list 24-year-old Jake Henderson has not changed his profile picture to a picture of a bleeding Africa, taken the effort to condemn the attacks in a lengthy post that contains a hashtag, or even posted a link where other people but him can donate to Aid groups working in the affected areas.

"It's certainly troubling," said a source close to Henderson who agreed to speak to reporters under anonymity. "When I heard about the attacks, the first thing I did was let everyone be sure I was firmly against the butchering of Nigerian immigrants. I mean, without my profile picture being 'xeNOphobia', what's to stop everyone suspecting I might be in favour of burning ten-year-old Malawian children to death? What's to stop my friends and family thinking I'm an insane racist psychopath who secretly revels in the saturation of violent imagery our newsfeeds are experiencing?"

This is not the first time difficult and dark questions have been raised about young Henderson's potentially terrible political motives. According to other facebook users, they've never seen him denounce many other obviously-terrible and universally reviled hate crimes and acts of barbarism.

"Really, I don't know what Jake's deal is," said another member of his friendgroup. "To this day, I've never seen him publically condemn homophobia, racism, or the various examples of ethnic cleansing and genocide that pepper our world's history. How can I be sure he doesn't have a closet full of Nazi regalia if he doesn't let us all know using one single picture that he isn't an antisemitic dick?"

And according to machete-wielding xenophobes on the street, decisions like Henderson's can have dire consequences.

"I walked past this group of friendly, hard working, differently-accented people who live in my area and the first thing I did was check my phone to see how much public outrage there was against xenophobia," said one 21-year-old KZN dweller. "Unless this unknown person living halfway across the world lets me know that he's against the senseless slaughter of innocents, well, how can we possibly expect me not to lynch some lazy job-thieves?"

Alas, just like with those photos of emaciated Somali children, or pictures of bald-headed children, until people like Henderson do their part to stop xenophobia, it - just like world hunger, famine and cancer - will continue to ravage our world.

Immigration - the scourge of the whole world

You know what’s ruining this country – no, the entire blerrie world? Immigrants. Guest Writer Johan Van Eksteen tackles this uncomfortable topic, showing us the truth behind something many people are hesitant to talk about frankly and honestly.

Immigration, my friends. Is it just me, or does this problem seem to be getting worse and worse every year? It seems that no matter where you go, you can’t even move without bumping into someone who isn’t from here. With xenophobic attacks so recurrent and regular that Somali shopkeepers could set their fiscal calendars by them, I decided to look at this issue. And let me tell you, it’s a lot more complicated than it at first seems.

Now, immigration has long been a problem in almost all societies. Immigration goes as far back as the unwanted and dirty flood of Jews and Irish and Poles into America in the 19th and 20th centuries. Hell, we could go one step further and say that this scourge was affecting societies even as far back as the Southwards migration of Zulu and Bantu peoples into XhoiSan territories in South Africa in the early AD, or the northwards migration of Homo Habilus and other pre-modern humans nearly 70 000 years ago, or even the ugly, unstoppable wave of society-leeching primordial fish-lizard creatures that crawled unwelcomed and unwanted onto the prehistoric marshes of Pangea hundreds of millions of years ago.

Of course, today the problem is far, far worse, because back then there were no jobs or healthcare to steal.

Yes, friends, it might shock you to hear this, but immigrants are taking our healthcare and our government grants: you know, those things that are supposed to be reserved for South Africans, that our hard-working tax payers shell out for after they’ve finished handing billions of Rands to Zuma for his giant luxury Palacemansioncompound?

I remember a time when I used to think “but surely getting healthcare requires a valid ID and many documents proving your status as a tax-paying citizen? Surely getting the laughably paltry handouts that thousands of below-the-breadline South Africans survive on every month is a bit more difficult than just walking into a SASSA office and putting out your grimy, Zimbabwean hands?” Turns out I was wrong, friends. And that’s scary, because I’m never wrong.

And it doesn’t stop there: our jobs are being thrown out the window and into the laps of Malawian borderjumpers. “But that makes no sense,” I hear you predictably retort, “Johan, wouldn’t most companies be hesitant to give scarce jobs to what you have on many, many occasions, called ‘a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing unskilled thieves who don’t even speak our language’? Surely any employer would want to avoid huge legal ramifications and massive fines for breaking labour laws by making sure to go Proudly South African?” Well, to that I say “that’s the kind of senseless, contradictory society we live in.”

However, the damage goes beyond just the financial: what’s being hurt even more is our national culture and identity. All these immigrants make no effort to fit in, to try and be a part of South African society.

You know, every day I drive from my job at a single-language newspaper back to my home in that gated, all-white, English-Afrikaner closed community in Sandton and I pass these Somali or Zimbo neighbourhoods, these anti-nationalist, unpatriotic attempts to stick to one culture without embracing the beautiful diversity of South Africa. It’s sad and sickening. The put themselves behind these walls and barriers, and don’t even try to mix with everyday South Africans. Hell, they don’t even make an effort to try and learn any of the 11 official languages of South Africa, for example English, or Afrikaans, or, er, one of those other ones. Even the Zulu security guy who mans the barbwire, electrified gate of my suburb comments on it sometimes.

Or at least, I think he does. I don’t speak Zulu.

But what I can’t stand most of all is the pretence they put up, the lies and excuses they tell me to try and make us feel sorry for them. They put up this sad story of running away from hateful or outright murderous political regimes or iron-fisted dictatorships; they give us these sop tales of “brutal police” and “racist officials and harsh, anti-human immigration laws”; they wax lyrical about having left everything – their language, their home, their history, their culture, their families, their entire way of life and identity – just to live in fear and poverty in a country that despises and assaults them just for wanting a better life for them and their children. And why? Well, so that you won’t complain when they take that below-minimum-wage, no-security job that rightfully belongs to people born here!

You know, it’s exactly for this reason that I stopped my application to live and work in England or Australia. All I want is to go there, trade in my green passport, and live and work in peace: but how can I move overseas to live on greener pastures when all these bloody immigrants are stealing the jobs that I want, taking the healthcare and government grants that I’ll need when I get there? It’s absurd.

This, my friends is why I congratulate the ANC on at least one thing: that they’ve stood up for South Africans’ rights everywhere. You know, silly organisations like the Human Rights Watch, or so-called Amnesty International, might condemn South Africa’s diplomatic and political stance on human rights atrocities in other African countries, and her harsh, “unjust, retrogressive” immigration laws that miss opportunities to integrate trained professionals such as teachers, scientists and skilled workers into our society to better serve our people, but I say “well done.”

As tempting as it is to enjoy the cheap labour these guys offer (and that cool perk of being able to fire them at will, which forces them to never complain about how little you pay them for fear of you reporting them to the police on trumped up charges of theft) we need to stick to a strong code of national pride and moral integrity, to support - and ardently defend the rights of - those human beings who share a birthplace with us.

After all, how can we possibly have a better South Africa if it’s full of Zimbabweans?

Johan is a guest columnist at Muse and Abuse. Widely renowned for his non-nonsense approach to controversial topics, Johan shines a blinding light of truth on subjects like why white people should vote ANC, why Blackface isn't the real racist problem in SA, and how Black Privilege is an ugly truth that no one wants to admit. He also thinks gay marriage should have been outlawed years ago.
He also doesn't know his editor and employer is Zimbabwean.

New SA Zoo popularity soars

A new zoo has hit the South African big-time, after video footage of a savage battle between the different members of this private enclosure went viral online.

“This zoo has been around forever,” said media analyst Wile D’animo, “but recently its popularity has soared through the roof – all because of a massive and fierce fight between the various specimens in this small space. There was howling. There was yammering. There was hissing and roaring. It was true primal savagery, the likes of which we have never seen before - even in the far calmer, far less bloodthirsty Kruger [National Park].”

Though many experts are baffled by the sudden interest in this beastly, chaotic slice of nature’s true ugliness and disorder, some believe it is due to the sudden remarketing of a brand fraught with misguided preconceptions.

“This particular enclosure is only one of many similar hundreds across the world,” said one zoological specialist. “However, where most iterations of this zoo in other countries are boring, calm, quiet and peaceful zones where battles between the various species inside its walls are short and almost cordial, this one broke the mould. It was chaos. Like staring into the black, abyssal heart of Mother Nature’s dark side.”

The zoo, which is maintained by tax payers’ dollars and is known only as the PoRSA, has captured the public's attention with its wild spats and blood-thirsty struggles between opposing beasts.

"Where else in the animal kingdom can you see the mighty Ayencius Phumelele Stone Sizani locked in mortal struggle against its archnemisis Deeyayus Mmusi Maimane, or embroiled in a life-or-death brawl with Iyeffeffius Malemia Julius?" asked one Youtube commentator who differed from the rest in that they didn't use the footage as the basis for a lengthy thesis arguing smugly in favour of white supremacy. "There is just something about watching these animals fighting over the rotting and slowly festering remains of that favoured prey, Kountree Southus Africensis, the you just can't look away from. It's like nature's car crash."

Other media analysts, however, say that the popularity will be short lived.

“Really, they’ve ravaged all the best parts of what is left of the lifeless, devoured carcass, and now they’re locked in a tooth and claw battle over the last few bones,” said Johnathan von Johnathanson. "It's only a matter of time until something gives."

And though visitors can hope for a sighting of the rare and reclusive Ayencius Zumus Jacob, zoological experts says they shouldn’t get their hopes up.

“There have been many pleas and calls by thousands of visitors and fans of the zoo to have this animal finally make an appearance, you know, actually be visible in this enclosure,” they said, “but they shouldn’t get their hopes up. The King of the Beasts rarely ventures out of his large Private Enclosure, and prefers to remains in his preferred natural habitat of gold and green".

Pics (edited): Hyena by Joanne Goldby, Vulture by Jerry Pank, Lion from Rochkind, and Olive Baboon from Nevit Dilmen

Peace, security would “cripple” South African economy

Economic and financial experts have today blasted various religious and political parties’ calls for “peace and non-violence between South Africans and an end to rampant theft, rape and murder rates”, saying that such an outcome would “utterly devastate” the South African economy.

“South Africa does have massive multi-million rand industries like agriculture and mining to buff up its GDP,” said Editor of The Financial Times magazine Ray Zintaxes, “but our biggest industry by far is the multi-billion-rand-a-year industry centred mostly on paranoid white people and combating crime. Without crime, our economy would fall to shambles.”

Many other experts and politicians have agreed with this assessment, saying that the calls for peace and safety for all in South Africa are “too rash, too hasty [and] totally short sighted.”

“If we look at projects like Nkandla, you can easily see how the economy would be affected,” said ANC spokesperson, Chi Fwip. “If Zuma didn’t fear for his life and safety, hundreds of security contractors, many of them my personal friends and family, would be homeless, broke, unemployed and destitute. We need crime now more than ever.”

Fwip added that without the constant fear of murder, rape, robbery, assault, farm killings, mugging, gang violence, grand theft auto and petty larceny, many thousands of South Africans would immediately lose their jobs as policemen, car guards, security guards, night-watchmen, private security company employees and security installation and maintenance professionals.

“It would decimate employment,” said Fwip. “And since ‘decimate’ means ‘to reduce by a tenth’ it would probably decimate it more than once.”

Fwip added that crime was the only source of income for many poor families and crack addicts in South Africa.

“Without crime, we’re taking away their only form of livelihood,” he said. “Every time a robber breaks into a house and stabs or shoots someone, he is creating employment and wealth not just for himself, but also for police officers, doctors, hospitals, funeral directors and grave diggers. You can see how such a call would create a domino-effect of havoc for our economy.”

This not the first bit of controversy to be raised about South African crime, however, as our Police Services, the SAPS, have been criticised and questioned time and time again, with theorists alternately saying South Africa would be a better place without them or defending the SAPS as “misrepresented by a biased, unfair media”.

Academics are now calling for more “thought and discourse” on the issue before making such rash calls.

“This whole problem is more complex than merely ‘oh, please stop raping and killing and stealing’,” said Securityologist at the Beijing University School of Security Studies, Shu Tsatukyl. “Without crime, there would be no police, and without Police around there would be no one left around to stop criminals. It would be hell. Like a South African Catch-22, but with fewer long words.”

Hipster confused for homeless man, arrested, mistreated

The Appeals Court has this morning ordered the South African Police Service (SAPS) to publically apologise and pay damages to 23-year-old blogger, Instagram user, and vinyl aficionado Ray Trou-Huntergrowd, after they confused him for a homeless man and wrongfully arresting him last weekend.

SAPS said in a statement that it was "really sorry about the whole thing" and that "they would never willingly arrest, beat or shoot a hipster."

"Shooting, arresting, beating or discriminating against anyone who isn't actually homeless or destitute or who, say, works in a mine is just against our Code of Conduct," said Chief of Police Sal Vznokrimes. "I mean, I haven't read the it, but I'm pretty sure we have one and I'm also pretty sure that it says that somewhere inside it."

Police say spotting the difference is "almost as hard
as those damn Where's Wally things"
pic- WeKnowMemes

However, he added that it "wasn't really their fault, I mean, come on, anyone would have made that mistake", saying that without the signature tell-tale sign of expensive Apple electronics on them, there was "really no difference between the two kinds of people."

"Seriously," said Vznokrimes, "he had fingerless gloves, ripped and faded jeans, a worn T-shirt that is apparently 'ironic' and a cardigan that your grandfather threw away in 1963 because it was too ratty... how could we really have known?"

Trou-Huntergrowd, however, has defended his dress sense, saying that "those aren't dirty, old rags, but actually high-end vintage retro items of counterculture fashion costing thousands of Rands" and that "dressing like all my friends according to a very specific subcultural stereotype is how I express my individualistic non-conformity to societal norms."

"You'd be surprised how much money it costs to look this poor," he added.

A traumatised Trou-Huntergrowd told reporters from Muse and Abuse his harrowing tale, saying that he was glad justice could be served.

"I was on my way back home from that little Thai eco-food initiative kitchen that no one else knows, just eating my low-fat, non-dairy, animal-product-free and vegan-friendly soy-lentil pesto with eco-friendly, fair-trade avocado and low-GI, gluten free ciabata, when they [Two officers from the SAPS] stopped me."

"Seeing my meal, they asked me what bin I had dug it out of. When I told them about the tiny Thai joint down Albert street, they told me they'd never heard of it," he said, "which was kind of the whole point. Then they judged my clothes - you know, not like the way I do, ironically - but in a hurtful way without the snarky anti-capitalist class commentary, and told me that loitering and vagrancy was a crime. When I told them I'm actually a food blogger and social media commentator on pertinent socioeconomic issues, as well as a reviewer for local indie garage bands, they sneered and said 'so you *are* unemployed?' and roughly snapped me in cuffs."

Things went from bad to worse at the police station.

"It was awful. They took a mugshot of me and didn't even use a filter. Also, it's only on the Police Internal Database, so I can't share it on my Instagram account. To add insult to injury, the only Hashtag they used was #529391-01-2014, which was in the CASE NUMBER field. How will that confusing hashtag ever trend?"

Trou-Huntergrowd says he is happy with his undisclosed damages package, and now thinks that perhaps his short visit to jail might have been a blessing in disguise.

"Everyone there is so counter-culture, they completely reject this nonsensical society we have to live in with its arbitrary rules and laws. The clothes are so retro chic, but they're also Ironically Penitentiary Couture whilst at the same time critiquing the blase and almost cliche jail fashion sense. The food is actually pretty tasty, and apparently if I make any crafts or ethnically-inspired jewellery, metalwork, craft or licence plates in the Prison Shop, I can make as much as 3 cents an hour for it, which is approximately in the region of 3 cents an hour more than my existing line of Ethnically-inspired jewellery, handmade crafts and license plates make on my website."

He has, however, said that he won't go back.

"I might have gotten a very warped non-grammatically correct definition of what constitutes irony from Alanis Morrisette, but even I could see how my friends would roll their eyes at me," he said. "Besides, being in jail is too mainstream, even for a white South African Male like me."

Muse and Abuse donates laptop, hard drives, passports to local charity

In a surprise move at the Thursday 2O March Milner Street giveaway charity bonanza, held during broad daylight at exactly 1:10pm, Muse and Abuse's chief writer, reporter and Editor Matthew "Not actually that funny" de Klerk donated most of his prized possessions, including keys, a watch, a laptop and three hard disks containing the only backups of his four years of University work, newspaper articles and personal writing, music and photographs, to two men (who clearly wished to remain anonymous) from a Charity for struggling Probably Ex Convicts.

Muse and Abuse now joins over 400 other donors since January of this year who have donated their laptops, wallets, iPods, mobile phones, cash, and other easily-hockable and valuable items to similar charities in Grahamstown. Like Muse and Abuse, many of these donors also stored the charity donations in locked, secured and alarmed houses shortly before the handover.

The recipients of the items were endlessly happy.

"We could not be more pleased," they said probably over a beer gloating to friends at the ease of the charity giveaway. "Even though we probably live in squalor or desperate socioeconomic circumstances that force us to accept such donations."

The Charity Drive, which probably took no more than a few minutes, was joined several minutes later by members of both the Grahamstown South African Police Service and Hi-Tech Security, who called the event, "Business as usual", before adding that there was "an almost zero percent chance" that the satisfied customers would bring the items back for a refund or whatever.

"Students are just so generous and giving in our town," said Captain Howard Ahrwelukin and Sergeant Noah Tardat-Hall.

De Klerk, however, was just glad he could do his part.

"Most people might think me bitter," said the esteemed writer and philanthropist. "Most people would think me angry. Most people would think me disappointed. And in fact, most people would be absolutely fucking correct."

Those looking to make a donation should adopt a laissez-faire attitude toward personal security, or live on Milner Street.

South Africa "better place" after SAPS disbanding

South Africa has been declared an all-round better place to live after the disbanding of the South African Police Service.

The disbandment, which follows government decisions after a controversial sting by believed-dissolved Scorpions, has been described as the largest ever assault on organised crime since 1902.

"After things like Jackie Selebi, Bheki Cele, and other dumb or convicted police officials  including the 630 police officers arrested for corruption, rape and murder in 2011, and Marikana and the long list of negatives, we've decided that the best way to make our country safe is to just do away with the police entirely," said Minister of Whatever is the Opposite of Having Police Hugh Rundaharest.

Though the police used to be a respected institution, things started to go bad with Cele.

"We had that whole 'shoot to kill' fiasco," said Rundaharest. "We then replaced this with our lesser known mantra 'to catch a crook, think like a crook'. Why do you think we had someone with seven previous charges of murder investigating Oscar Pistorius?"

According to the SAPS wikipedia page our hard-hitting, award winning investigative journalists, the police have been responsible for much political repression. Also, one in four Johannesburg drivers have been asked for a bribe, and 50% of Jo'burg police officers have asked for a bribe.

The decision has been applauded by thousands of citizens.

"This will save millions in taxpayers' rands," said business owner Ernie Ngpay.

Politicians have been equally pleased. 

"This will open up a lot of funds and taxpayer's rands for more infrastructure development and empowerment policies. Like, for example, the second storey of my house, or the fact that my uncle needs to be as rich as my brother."

The decision has already shown the beneficial impact, with surveys showing that people feel safer.

"Now that we know that they don't have to pretend crime will be stopped, I don't have to live in doubt or hesitancy," said Joburg consultant Givemore Hadvize. "Now I know, for a fact, that when crime hits me, there's nothing I can do, and won't have to needlessly live in hope".

However, controversy has surfaced. 

"Now that the police are on the streets, there are thousands more criminals out there," said one protester, John Pickett.  "They were getting paid to do nothing - they were passive because they didn't need to do as much crime as they normally would have. Now they'll take a more active role in crime, and they have the experience to get away with it."

The government, however, has plans for this.

"Right now, our government has shown what happens when you legalise and control crime," said Minister of the newly formed Department of Legal Crime, Judghan Djury. "People used to rob banks with guns, in the shadows. Now we do with with pen and paper, confirmation and allowance in triplicate, and no immediate harm to citizens. We're much more civilised now."

Criminals can now get member cards, and a quota of monthly crimes every month. Affected citizens can apply for remuneration.

"We have  quota system in place. Uptown residences will get broken into once a month, and thieves will be allowed a maximum value of goods stolen, with monthly subscription fees to the Department of House Breaking and Goods Theft," said project manager Tom Hardy. 

"It's all very controlled and precise. Much like current crime."

"We're misunderstood" - SAPS

The Shoot And Pulverise South Africans Force  (also known as the Safeguard America's Platinum Supply) (SAPS) has this morning released a statement saying that, in light of recent media controversy, they are just misunderstood by a "wicked media".

According to the statement, the police were operating under self-defence, pointing out that new video footage has confirmed that the mostly unarmed protesters were armed with over five guns, were equipped with the latest Close Quarters melee weapons, including highly-advanced sticks and knobkerries, and were also shouting really, really loudly and were "very scary".  Early reports also state that many of the protesters were treated with a special muti to make them impervious to bullets. 

These brutal weapons are the result of over a thousand years of Research and Development.

"Studies that we made up have shown that this muti even more powerful than the bulletproof tactical gear we all wore, It is a well-known fact that the only weak-point in this new, medically-tried-tested-and-proven muti is to shoot them in the back and at close range," said officer Ghetaway Wiffmurdah. 

"It was a very dangerous situation, because there were only 100 of us, and we only had tear-gas, rubber bullets and water cannons. We were forced to whip out our Muti-penetrating rounds," he said.

According to Police reports, weapons like the knobkerrie is one of the latest developments in hand-to-hand combat, and are dangerously effective against bulletproof tactical riot gear. Their brutal efficiency on the battlefield (as viciously demonstrated as recently as 1854) is surpassed only by the deadly nailclippers feared by Federal Marshals on US aeroplanes, and rocks.

 "We are not animals," the police commissioner told the Marikana commission of inquiry when questioned about the sincerity of her apology to the families of the 34 mine workers shot dead by police on August 16 last year during a strike at Lonmin’s Marikana mine.

 Police scientists agree.  

"Further scientific testing has objectively shown that animals cannot, in fact, hold guns of any kind, making her statement absolutely true," said Ben Dintruth, PhD.

 

SAPS have provided lots of photographic evidence that shows their real media image, which has been skewed very negatively indeed.

 

The SAPS have also recently come under fire (no, not literally) with allegations of torture, such as video footage of police forcing a man to roll down the road - allegations they have been quick to deny. 

"It wasn't what it looked like," explained Head spin doctor Preyse Relees. "What you're seeing is merely a new community intiative between police and the community. We help them to get in shape with new, cutting-edge fitness programs, including the 400m road-roll."

The police have similarly defended other controversies, such as the death of Andries Tatane in April 2011.

 "It's a well-known fact that he was a Maths teacher. Investigation officers on the scene discovered Weapons of Math Deduction in his house," said Relees. 

Meanwhile, the ANC has also been criticised for its placement of cronies in the police service - figures who have been accused (or even convicted) of crime.

"That's the point," said ANC spokesperson Nhepho Tism. "Send a crook to catch a crook. If you think like them, half your work is done."

However, the ANC and SAPS officials have been quick to point out that, should anyone be found to have played a part in the recent controversies, the repercussions would be "the most severe that we have given yet."

Official sources say that they would start off with a stern talking-to, with serious offenders getting as much as three slaps on the wrist.

In unrelated new, the South African Department of Clocks and Calenders has advised all South Africans to set their clocks back 30 years.

Magistrates go on strike; police to pick up slack

Magistrates across the country went on strike today, in a class-wide move aimed at increasing their pay, says head of the Union of Magistrates Earnest Rike.

"We've started our Go-Slow this morning," said Rike. "I mean, it's not like we're a public sector or anything and can't go on strike."

However, some judiciary officials that don't exist but we'll just say "judiciary officials" 'cos you'll believe this lovely weasel wording say that the Go-Slow might actually speed up the justice system.

"By actively focusing on going slowly all day, they might accidentally go faster than their usual absent-minded, subconscious level of sloth-in-glue tardiness," said our source.

Thanks to the striking action, the police force and members of the South African Police Service say that they had to have a more involved role in meting out daily justice.

"The government is dealing with the issue," said Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa after he had decided to give enough of a shit to come back from his honeymoon to do what the country has been paying him do since he took office. Political analysts have emphasised the difficulty in deciding exactly who (between the Minister and those he protects) got screwed over more in the two-week period.

"We're going with South Africans," said analyst Loki Natstats. "Just because they didn't get a holiday or drinks before getting properly rogered."

Chief of Police Beetus Ivilian has also weighed in on the strike announcement, saying that the strike coincides with a three-year plan of action in the police ranks.

"We've been getting ready for this official strike for the better part of three years now," said Ivilian. "It's taken a lot of practice and tenacity." 

According to Ivilian, much of the policy documentation was perfected and finalised with no small amount of civilian interaction and involvement - a process that some administrative officials in the police department say was at least on one occasion, "a drag".

"It's only through the efforts of locals and internationals in South Africa, like Emidio Macia and Andries Tatane, that we've gotten to where we are. We've definitely been getting a more hands-on approach to justice and dealing with insidious innocent people, maths teachers, criminals," he said.

SAPS servicemen and women say that they are all-guns for the new policy. 

Criminals have also protested at the decision, stressing their anger at having to spend more time in jail.

"They're telling me that I might have to spend as much as three extra days in prison!" said eight-time-convicted burglar and gang-rape-accused John Member. "Now i'll have to wait until the weekend is over to get back to work."

However, Ministry officials were quick to assure the public that the system will be back up and running in not time. 

"Well be back to our old ways within the week," read the Ministry's statement. "
Before you know it, criminals accused of murder or gang rape will be out on R500 bail."