Trump supporters welcome latest terror attack

"It sucks, but hey, at least we finally have something to justify our bigotry." - Trump supporter.

An area man has today welcomed news of the terrorist bombing in Brussels, Belgium, saying that, although he would hate to use to recent and tragic an event to showboat his own narrow political views, "I told you so."

"I won't lie, my decision to support and follow the views of a thatch-mop-haired lunatic with the reading levels of a six-year-old have been kinda hard to justify recently," he said.

"You know, there was all this factual, hard-founded push-back against so many of his manifesto points - you know, like how the wall is totally unrealistic and would never, ever be paid for by Mexico, or like how fundamentalist sects of Islam don't represent the millions of peace-loving Muslims across the world - but now that there is a tiny shred of evidence to back up my political choice and make it look like I'm not wearing this Vote Trump shirt just because I'm an illiterate asshole, then hell yeah!" he said, a smug, shit-eating grin spreading across his ever-punchable face.

The supporter, 56-year-old Jeremy Dumas, is now just one of thousands of voters who believe that America needs a decisive leader at the helm.

"It is clear now, more than ever, that we need a true leader in charge. Someone who can make the hard decisions," he said. "And we all remember how in Season 4 of The Apprentice he had to choose between letting go of Casey or firing Thomas after their dismal performance in the Blue Team. If anyone should be in charge of the incredible nuanced, geopolitically complex decisions of big government, Trump's the guy."

"Detonating a bomb in the middle of a public area and killing scores of innocent men, women and children while hurting not even a single enemy combatant is evil and twisted," he said, drawing on his nearly three Google tabs of in-depth critical appraisal of Middle-Eastern politics and history to inform his opinion. "I really hope Trump ups the game on Iraq and Afghanistan and bombs the crap out of their mosques. That'll show 'em how wrong it is to indiscriminately kill innocent strangers who aren't in any way linked to the group you hate."

Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of Muslims are distancing themselves from the fundamentalist terror group, ISIS.

"Because of their barbarity, their hatred of others not like them, and their murderous, unquenchable thirst for the blood of innocents, it's not hard to hate ISIS," said the organisation, speaking on behalf of nearly 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide.

"But come on, bombing a European city so close to the final nominations for US president? I think it's safe to say no one could ever put their support behind an organisation that is that militantly stupid and unthinking. No one could ever lend a word of support to a movement that motivated by hatred for other creeds and peoples."

"Unless we're talking about the US presidential election, I guess."

Iraq, Afghanistan announced US “Humanitarian intervention”

Citing the extreme violence and riots in Baltimore in the United States of America, leading political figures of Iraq, Iran, and other Eastern nation states have announced a humanitarian military intervention into the United States.

”It’s awful,” said Fuad Masum, President of Iraq. “When we look at the almost civil war and societal unrest happening in this country, how can we remain inactive? America was the country that brought us democracy. Sure they launched an unfounded revenge war and created an atmosphere ripe for radical extremism, but if we just let them suffer in silence, then which of us are the true monsters?”

”Besides,” he added, “we still have all their tanks and military assault rifles and munitions here. It would be nice to put them to use, or just give them back.”

Other Eastern Leaders have agreed.

“Just look at America. It’s slowly devolving into a brutal police state devoid of respect for basic human dignity and rights. They have martial law and state-enforced curfews in trying to quell huge demonstrations against an allegedly brutal police state. ” said President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyann of the United Arab Emirates. “We have much experience in exactly these things. We can apply our expertise and return the country to its former peace.”

The international aid effort has been met by unhesitating applause by well-known Aid Organisations, such as AfriCare and Red Cross Africa.

“Every time we have riots of civil unrest here, they always express concern and want to step in and help,” said Project head of OxFam Kenya. “These poor, suffering Americans need our help, and it’s up to us to save these destitute, suffering people.”

It’s not all bad news, however, as Islamic extremist organisation ISIS has announced they’re relaxing their efforts.

“We can take a much-deserved break here,” said spokesperson for the group, Joe Hadi. “Besides, it looks like the hedonistic, godless West is destroying itself just fine without us even lifting a finger.”

Internet commenters unsure which racial epithet to use

'Uncle Tom Sell-out, or arrogant whitey?', ponder debate enthusiasts

Following a comment posted ten minutes ago online concerning the controversial issue of the University of Cape Town's Cecil John Rhodes memorial statue, online commenters, social media activists, and digital bigots on both sides of the debate have told reporters they are still unsure which utterly unnecessary, hurtful racist slur to bash into their well-worn keyboards.

Citing the "ambiguous profile picture" of the Facebook user in question and touching on her "scant profile information", internet users across South Africa are still uncertain whether to reply to her call for a "return to calm and considerate debate free from ridiculous racist slurs, mockery, ad hominem attacks and rhetoric fallacies" with a "STFU you stupid and arrogant white crybaby upholding a legacy of oppression" or a "OMG look at this sellout counterrevolutionary Uncle Tom brainwashed into defending white privilege."

"When you click on the thumbnail of the post next to this peaceful, non-toxic plea to her fellow citizens that we treat each other with the respect and dignity that we all, as human beings, deserve, all we can see is a group shot with four girls of a varying range of skin colours," said 1st-year politics student and fiercely involved social media RhodesMustFall debater, Vlei Mwar.

"So, as of this moment, we can't be sure which form of cyber bullying and utterly disrespectful slander to employ. I mean, at this stage we don't know if she's white or black, so how are we supposed to pick which racially charged epithet to use in scorning her personal, subjective stance on the matter?"

"I mean, we could just call her a 'fucking stupid bitch' who should 'go and educate herself' and 'read a book about the history of this before you bring your dumb comments' - you know, a general, non-racial smear that is easily applied to people of any race, religion or creed online," explained Mwar, "but when it comes to debates as important as this, we think that if we're not going to be considerate, thoughtful and critically engaged in the current discourse, we should at least apply that high-level logic-based rational thinking to our short-sighted, debate-sullying engagements with other people."

However, not all internauts agree, with one side of the camp calling for a calm and respectful waiting period before heaping ridicule and abuse on her and likening her to something that should be universally despised and ostracised.

"We're not mindless animals," said Rashad Homnem. "I mean, why in the world would anyone in this nationally-watched debate sully the importance of mature, respectful discourse with ridiculous things like making over-simplistic comparisons between two unconnected, vastly dissimilar people?'

"Besides," added Homnem, "even if someone doesn't tip us off, what's not being able to call one out of hundreds of people a 'fucking stupid blind moron who should shut the fuck up because you don't know what you're talking about'? I'm pretty sure we can let this one slide."

Muse and Abuse would like to get this debate going by preemptively calling you all massive festering cockworms.

ISIS launches “most successful recruitment videos yet”

Following on from previous successful recruitment strategies and PR tactics, fundamentalist Jihadist group ISIS has today announced the launch of their most successful series of calls to anti-West, anti-Imperialist arms yet.

“All those scary bomb videos and grunts training with ak47s and rolling in the dust, leopard-crawling under barbed wire and past burning tyres, these only go so far,” said head of the pro-Islamic-caliphate movement Thea Rorrist. “If you really want to instil a burning, irrevocable hatred for all things American and its deluded, privileged, detestable citizens, then you have to go that extra mile.”

As such, ISIS is delighted to announce the release of American Idol Season 426 and America’s Got Talent Season 283. It has reportedly been a resounding victory.

“I was watching TV the other day when [the ISIS recruitment videos] came on,” said one American man. “After just four minutes of that pretentious, exploitative ‘it’s my dream’ crap, and all that shallow, deluded narcissism guided by a desire to be worshiped by thousands for being what is actually a talentless shmuck, even I, a God-fearing, rootin’, tootin’ Texan, was denouncing the hedonism of my culture and calling for the death of all American men and women.”

Media analysts agree.

“If we look closely at the hateful, pro-extremist-Islam propaganda, we see tropes designed for maximum effect,” said Television studies lecturer Harold Cress.

“Every four seconds, we are battered with stirring, nationalistic music and endless images of waving American flags. You know, scenes more patriotic than an exploding, bible-clawing, red-white-and-blue Bald Eagle shooting laser beams out of its eyes and ejaculating furiously on a pile of nukes and Chevy trucks emblazoned with the words ‘democracy’, ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’.”

These images were enhanced by other hate-mongering tactics.

“Then they add little inserts, like the glaringly knee-jerk emotional shallowness of having an obviously-ineligible four-year-old child singing Home of the Free for the AW-factor, and the talentless douche judges who have even less singing or acting ability than those they scorn and deride, not to mention the sickening product-placement. Really, it makes my machete-hand very twitchy indeed.”

In spite of some controversy over the images, ISIS remains steadfast that these depictions of American culture are far less horrific than than they how the West portrays their particular ideologies.

“Hell, the media might give us a bad rep, but at least we don’t belittle people and destroy their hopes and dreams before we behead them," said Rorrsit. “We like to think we’re a little more respectful than that.”

ISIS would like to thank CNN, BBC and Sky News for giving them an audience of millions of readers, listeners, and viewers on dozens of different channels, formats and social media platforms to spread their messages and videos across the globe.

Nazis protest 'grammar Nazis'

Facebook users and English literature students came under a scathing attack from notorious underground political group the New Nationalist Fascist Party this morning, with group organisers releasing a strongly-worded document against these people, saying their actions as so-called “Grammar Nazis” was giving real Nazis a bad name.

“It’s bad enough that everyone thinks we’re a bunch of bigoted, supremacist jerks,” said NNFP leader Seig Heyel, “but now we have to contend with the world thinking that we’re such small-minded literary snobs that we’ll correct your individual grammar and spelling errors whenever you post something at us on Facebook.”

The group now says that it is taking a stand.

“We just don’t get it,” said Heyel. “Why would you deride and despise someone for something as trivial and skin-deep as their ability to spell ‘you’re’ with an apostrophe and an extra ‘e’, or know the difference between ‘two’, ‘to’, and ‘too’? There are plenty of other perfectly acceptable and literally skin-deep reasons to hate people.”

The secret, he says, is to forget and forgive.

”We all know it’s spelt ‘lynch’ and ‘supremacist’, and that ‘black bastards’ is spelt with no ‘e’s,” he said, “but at the end of the day it’s the message, and not the material, that matters.”

In spite of this sudden counter to keyboard warriors across the internet, not all separatist political factions agree with this sentiment.

“We can totally see where these Grammar Nazis are coming from, but really we shouldn’t be so forgiving,” said Olly Impas of the Photography Stalinists. “Whenever I see someone shooting with the wrong settings, not correctly applying the rule of thirds, or cutting off arms, hands, heads and feet in their shot framing, it makes me want to shoot them, or cut off their arms, hands, heads and feet – just not with my camera.

He added that he would use a gun or a machete.

“Some of these illiterate pricks out there don’t even know what an ironic play on words is .

Others, too, have reacted harshly to the NNFP’s attack.

“These facebook users are totally justified,” said one student. “I mean, if you’re going to hurl bigoted invective and racial slurs you have to be presentable and sound like you know what you’re talking about. Otherwise, why should we take your arguments in favour of a Fourth Reich seriously?

Catholic Church rebukes Scientific Community

Following last month’s discovery by noted astrophysists of cosmic gravitational waves undulating through the fabric of space-time (a discovery that was predicted by Einstein almost half a century ago and one which has profound implications on theories of the origin of the universe), The Catholic Church has rebuked the scientific community, demanding that it “Please stop answering so many bloody questions.”

“It’s getting ridiculous,” said Pope Francis who has a bunch of letters after his name. “Every week, a discovery, an invention, a break-through. Don’t they know curiosity killed the cat?”

Many scientists have struck back at this criticism, however, reminding the public that “the cat must be though to be both dead and alive until observed”.

“It’s simple Schrodinger, really,” they said.

Despite this, many of the faithful and hundreds of defenders of unproven-in-any-way-by-reliable-peer-reviewed-journals-in-respectable-medical-science-publications alternative medicines have flocked to support the Church.

“Gravity, Evolution, The Big Bang… These are all just theories,” said long-time churchgoer Mia Thologie, who went on to add that she “of course totally understands the scientific definition of a theory and how it differs from a hypothesis or mere conjecture or postulation”.

“Theories aren’t fact. You want fact? 6000 years old, 7 day creation, talking snakes, strangely-no-longer-missing ribs – these are facts.”

Others have stated similar sentiments.

“The Church is absolutely spot on,” said homeopathic doctor, acutonics expert and crystal healing guru who assimilates scientific jargon and science-y words like “quantum” into his baloney to make it sound legitimate, Robin Hughs. “Just because easily-repeatable experiments with sound methodologies that follow strict, unchanging scientific principles and standards objectively obtain results that prove causation, underlying patterns and the general truth of a hypothesis, doesn’t mean that they’re true.”

The Catholic Church did, however, add that they would be equally happy to negotiate with scientists to come to an agreement.

“Just because we believe in talking snakes, virgin births and that homosexuality is an abomination that should be cured through vigorous whispering to yourself in a building filled with men in dresses, doesn’t mean we aren’t reasonable people,” he said. “We would be just as happy if they stopped asking questions. Either way, we don’t mind.”

Confessions and obsessions: the truth about the Solomon scandal

Ever since it was first started, the Rhodes University SRC facebook page has been the site of many controversies. From the very local Pink Link SRC campaign, to the reportage on the child porn shock (which, I believe, was stupid scare reportage aimed at creating controversy for controversy's sake) the site is a far cry from its intended purpose as

"... a platform provided to the students of Rhodes University to channel healthy discussions and debates on contemporary issues facing studentship, society and youth in general, as well as a forum for students to have direct contact with the SRC and other students within the University. Its aim is to be a positive, helpful aid to all students at Rhodes University." 

 And so, it was with no real surprise that scandal reared its ugly head once more - this time in the form of Michelle Solomon and the hugely (albeit very temporarily so) popular Rhodes Confessions page.

This site, to those of you who were leading a productive life outside of facebook and studying hard for your upcoming exams living under a rock for the past few days, the page allows users (anyone, be they Rhodes students, internet trolls, or Russian Bride websites) to submit their funny, witty, quirky, or troubling Rhodes-related tales, which would be posted for the world to enjoy.

Humble beginnings 

Now, there's nothing new about pages like these. The most noteworthy example of all could be PostSecret.com, but there are tonnes of other university-based ones. The Rhodes page, in fact, came into existence in response to other similar pages already in existence for other universities: there was already a Wits Confessions and UCT Confessions page, this latter one on both facebook and twitter. It was the latest fad: dozens of these things started popping up. They were probably more popular than pokemon cards of our Junior School days.

Not the be outdone, the Rhodes page soared into popularity. The site garnered several hundred posts in mere hours, and blasted over the 7000-likes milestone within a day or two (thought this could be because of exam procrastination; students would like a shit-covered stick if it could draw them away from the horrors of studying for a few hours)

And it's easy to see why: the page (as one post-closure sore-hearted user said) "transcended race, creed, sex, religion" and it was solely aimed at being an anonymous submission of funny stories that Rhodes students could relate to. And relate they did: I never knew that I wasn't the only person who hated the Library revolving door.

And some of the post were (gasp!) mature and thoughful.

 


The posts covered a variety of topics, from friendzones, drinking and partying to studying, relationship problems, and deeply personal fears. Sure, we can't trust all of these as 100% true (anonymity has its downside), but they made us all look at Rhodes and our fellow students in a different light.

For a while there, Rhodes was the envy of over universities. I walk the streets and pathways of campus with general obliviousness at my fellow Rhodents, but after this page came up, I looked at them differently. I saw past the layer of 'Serious Student', and saw the quirky, strange, funny, and troubled students for who they were: human beings with human problems, trying to make sense of this life we call university. 

And then: trouble.

Michelle Solomon is known to many students here at Rhodes. She is an arguably controversial figure who has been at the forefront of previous flamewars, though I thought that she read into things a little too much. To elaborate, there was a laughable article printed in the student newspaper Activate at the time: it was silly, to say the least - an awful piece of writing that deserved scorn and derision, but certainly not accusations of rape denialism.

Anyway, this time around Solomon wrote an article about the potential dangers of running such a site, saying that the administrators faced a risk of legal proceedings due to the content of their page.This article, drawing on advice from a Media law practitioner, basically outlined the risk of defamation cases. Understandable, to say the least: recent Twitter controversies have shown that silly Tweets can get you in a world of trouble, and the same applies to facebook.

The Rhode Confessions page, much to the ire of children students at Rhodes, then disappeared. 

Artist's impression of Rhodes students' reaction

"It was you!" they screamed in blue murder. "It's all your fault! You had to open your mouth, didn't you?!"

Now, Solomon's stance on the page is no secret: she didn't like it at all. And that's understandable. Some of the posts are puerile, some are hurtful, and a lot of them are quite self-obsessed (and all of them might be totally bulldust, basically): 

 "It's the equivalent of Post Secret for drunk undergrads. It's a jocktastic mess of alcohol, sex and, in one case, a shat in pair of jocks" - Michelle Solomon 

But that is her opinion. Opinion. Hers. Her opinion. OPINION. I don't know if the point is coming across. HER OPINION. An opinion is a subjective belief, feeling or attitude towards an issue based on personal deliberation and consideration.

Also, she thought that the page was truly progressive and well-moderated: 

 "But I just called one of the admins, and they're being pretty awesome about it. Apparently they refuse to post any confessions that could "provoke or hurt" someone, and he went out of his way to mention that they try monitor sexism as closely as they can." - Michelle Solomon

To put all misconceptions aside, she didn't take the page down. She didn't write a letter to Facebook, Inc, or protest in front of the Embassy of the Internet and finally have it forcibly removed. No. Rather, the administrators for the page (spineless moderators who probably pulled out because A- they're afraid of legal action despite none of the other discriminatory-post-filled confessions pages being sued or B - it's exams, and posting this all day constitutes a second job) are the ones who pulled the plug on the much-loved page.

Gone were the quirky, fun-loving students I had smiled at all day. In their place were children. Self-obsessed, infuriated kids who were raging because their favourite play-thing suddenly vanished into thin air.

And then some have the gall to think that the admins were "bullied into silence". They were not. Pure and simple. And sadly, no one seems to get that. Those that do are patronisingly called "mommy".

However, very worrying indeed was the hurtful and sudden militancy that popped up out of nowhere.

To Papama "Go eat a dick" Bacela, I would like to say that I find it very interesting indeed that you openly purport on your facebook profile to follow the Religious View of Christianity. I must have missed the scripture where Jesus told his disciples to eat dick. Maybe there was a mistranslation of "my body, which is given for you"?

Having spoken to Michelle (I'll call her by her first name now, because I don't like being all clinical and objective), she tells me that she received death threats, and this particularly wonderful bit of commentary from one Kevin Koekemoer: "Rape Survivor? Should have been killed." 

Now, Michelle's attitude towards the page has been, at times, a little extreme, making sweeping statements about Rhodes as an insitution and as a whole:

...but this is understandable, because of the sheer small-minded meanness of people and their hateful, hurtful reactions. 

It's shameful that people are given the power to, at any time they wish, access any piece of information or knowledge that is in the human compendium of a millenia of intellectual development, and then we use it in the same fashion as the News24 commenter bigots that we all love to think we're so much superior to. We - supposedly University students - like to think we're forward-thinking, considerate individuals, and yet we're no worse than the trolls we despise.

And yes, for those of you who are missing their Confessions fix: replacement pages have come up to fill the gap. There were three of them jumping into the open space in a matter of hours (here are the three     examples    I could find).

But the spark is gone. At best, these could garner only a few hundred likes. The steam is just not there any more - not because Michelle ruined it for all of us, but because we ruined it ourselves. We saw something that we loved, something that made us feel wonderful and special, and then we let it poison us. I see troubling parallels between the reaction to this and the religious fundamentalism that we see from time to time. Is Michelle Solomon really a Salman Rushdie? Are Confessions a religious doctrine that we have to defend with threats of death and with hateful comments saying that those who oppose it shouldn't be alive?

As Bradley Bense, our SRC Vice President, for Pete's sakes, said, "it makes me sad to have to represent students who act like this."

And I couldn't agree more.