10 questions that will blow your mind and leave you speechless

1. WHY?

   In the long, long history of questions, has there ever been a question as astonishing, as astounding, as simple and as breath-taking, as 'why'? Why? Just Why? Ask yourself that. The answer might surprise you.

2. WHO?

   When our early ancestors first asked this question, they never knew what they were unleashing on the world. Just the sound of this question is enough to make you stop whatever you're doing and launch into an extensive period of intense introspection and self-scrutiny. 'Who?' you ask, again and again. 'Who'?. But is that silence - or is it the sound of the abyss telling us what we fear most?

3. WHERE?

   When Christopher Columbus uttered these infamous words when he discovered the sun in 1066 BC, who could possibly have guessed the same question would be echoing endlessly in the halls of history? This question - a solid 6th on our list - will probably be asked by our children and our children's children.

4. WHEN?

   Holy crap, just let that sink in. When. WHEN. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeen. When. After a while, it stops sounding like a word that even exists. How can you answer a question that doesn't exist?

5. WHICH?

   Seriously, this question gets us every time. It doesn't matter if someone is asking us to pick between two equally delicious breakfast cereals or seeking clarity as to whether a black-dressed broomstick-saddling woman is a spell-casting harlot belonging to the Dark Lord and Damned Soul-eater Satan and his black shadowy cabal of wicked deceivers testing the faithful and pure. 'Which', now matter the context, is one of the most powerful questions you can ask.

6. WHAT?

   This question, just, wow. We can't even. 'Can't what?' you ask? Exactly, bro. Exactly.

7. CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING COUNT?

   We don't know about the rest of you, but this one really left us gobsmacked. We're not sure if it was the creeping, disturbing realisation that there's an obvious contradiction between the title of this article and its content, the niggling feeling that we've made little numeracy errors in the body of text, or even the dawning horror that even an expensive university education leaves you prone to embarrassing mistakes that not even a child would make, but this question is nonetheless a haunting, haunting quandry.

8. HOW?

   Like, HOW, though? How? Let that sink in for a second. Let us know when you have an answer in the comments below - or we'll be flabbergasted for the remainder of our lives.

9. WHY IS MATTHEW WRITING THIS CLICKBAIT CRAP?

   When Matthew asked himself this, it left him quiet and mopping in his room for ten minutes. Try it for yourself. Just remember that we tried to warn you.

Catholic Church rebukes Scientific Community

Following last month’s discovery by noted astrophysists of cosmic gravitational waves undulating through the fabric of space-time (a discovery that was predicted by Einstein almost half a century ago and one which has profound implications on theories of the origin of the universe), The Catholic Church has rebuked the scientific community, demanding that it “Please stop answering so many bloody questions.”

“It’s getting ridiculous,” said Pope Francis who has a bunch of letters after his name. “Every week, a discovery, an invention, a break-through. Don’t they know curiosity killed the cat?”

Many scientists have struck back at this criticism, however, reminding the public that “the cat must be though to be both dead and alive until observed”.

“It’s simple Schrodinger, really,” they said.

Despite this, many of the faithful and hundreds of defenders of unproven-in-any-way-by-reliable-peer-reviewed-journals-in-respectable-medical-science-publications alternative medicines have flocked to support the Church.

“Gravity, Evolution, The Big Bang… These are all just theories,” said long-time churchgoer Mia Thologie, who went on to add that she “of course totally understands the scientific definition of a theory and how it differs from a hypothesis or mere conjecture or postulation”.

“Theories aren’t fact. You want fact? 6000 years old, 7 day creation, talking snakes, strangely-no-longer-missing ribs – these are facts.”

Others have stated similar sentiments.

“The Church is absolutely spot on,” said homeopathic doctor, acutonics expert and crystal healing guru who assimilates scientific jargon and science-y words like “quantum” into his baloney to make it sound legitimate, Robin Hughs. “Just because easily-repeatable experiments with sound methodologies that follow strict, unchanging scientific principles and standards objectively obtain results that prove causation, underlying patterns and the general truth of a hypothesis, doesn’t mean that they’re true.”

The Catholic Church did, however, add that they would be equally happy to negotiate with scientists to come to an agreement.

“Just because we believe in talking snakes, virgin births and that homosexuality is an abomination that should be cured through vigorous whispering to yourself in a building filled with men in dresses, doesn’t mean we aren’t reasonable people,” he said. “We would be just as happy if they stopped asking questions. Either way, we don’t mind.”