10 questions that will blow your mind and leave you speechless

1. WHY?

   In the long, long history of questions, has there ever been a question as astonishing, as astounding, as simple and as breath-taking, as 'why'? Why? Just Why? Ask yourself that. The answer might surprise you.

2. WHO?

   When our early ancestors first asked this question, they never knew what they were unleashing on the world. Just the sound of this question is enough to make you stop whatever you're doing and launch into an extensive period of intense introspection and self-scrutiny. 'Who?' you ask, again and again. 'Who'?. But is that silence - or is it the sound of the abyss telling us what we fear most?

3. WHERE?

   When Christopher Columbus uttered these infamous words when he discovered the sun in 1066 BC, who could possibly have guessed the same question would be echoing endlessly in the halls of history? This question - a solid 6th on our list - will probably be asked by our children and our children's children.

4. WHEN?

   Holy crap, just let that sink in. When. WHEN. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeen. When. After a while, it stops sounding like a word that even exists. How can you answer a question that doesn't exist?

5. WHICH?

   Seriously, this question gets us every time. It doesn't matter if someone is asking us to pick between two equally delicious breakfast cereals or seeking clarity as to whether a black-dressed broomstick-saddling woman is a spell-casting harlot belonging to the Dark Lord and Damned Soul-eater Satan and his black shadowy cabal of wicked deceivers testing the faithful and pure. 'Which', now matter the context, is one of the most powerful questions you can ask.

6. WHAT?

   This question, just, wow. We can't even. 'Can't what?' you ask? Exactly, bro. Exactly.

7. CAN YOU EVEN FUCKING COUNT?

   We don't know about the rest of you, but this one really left us gobsmacked. We're not sure if it was the creeping, disturbing realisation that there's an obvious contradiction between the title of this article and its content, the niggling feeling that we've made little numeracy errors in the body of text, or even the dawning horror that even an expensive university education leaves you prone to embarrassing mistakes that not even a child would make, but this question is nonetheless a haunting, haunting quandry.

8. HOW?

   Like, HOW, though? How? Let that sink in for a second. Let us know when you have an answer in the comments below - or we'll be flabbergasted for the remainder of our lives.

9. WHY IS MATTHEW WRITING THIS CLICKBAIT CRAP?

   When Matthew asked himself this, it left him quiet and mopping in his room for ten minutes. Try it for yourself. Just remember that we tried to warn you.

“Why is the teaching assistant white?” and other burning questions

A guest post by Emilia d’Orvey, final-year Collège student*

My dear 3^ième Class of the three Collèges Lycée Générals in Toulouse who have been caught up in this confusing furore, I think it’s about time we addressed the elephant in the room. Well, it’s not an elephant, but he probably rides one to school, so I think the comparison is warranted.

Ever since last week, I think we can all agree that our normal English classes have been utterly upset by the arrival of a confounding guest. A guest who just goes against all expectations. A guest who may or may not be a fraud.

”If he comes from Africa, then why is he white?”

We all have these questions, don’t we? I mean, come on. If he really is from South Africa, then why is he white? Only black people come from Africa, that much is certain. And yes, he may explain to us (in painfully slow and patronising English, often accentuating his accent – I mean, isn’t it really racist to talk to second-language speakers reeeeaaaalllllyyy ssssllloooowwwllyy?) using endless statistics that there *are* white people in South Africa, over 6 million of them, but I think we all know that statistics are a lie. In fact, 75.3245% of statistics are made up on the spot to make your hashed argument seem believable or well-informed.

The assistant. Who is he? Why is he white?
We need answers.

There are other burning questions, too. Meaningful questions that just need to be answered. Does he speak French? I mean, really? Can he say some words in French? And why does he come here? How tall is he? Is he married? Does he have children? Is he really 23 years old? What kinds of animals are there in Souws’Africa? Does he like football? Does he like France? Has he ever touched Nelson Mandela? Until we get these answers, none of us will rest easy.

And if he is supposed to be a Cultural Artifact to be wheeled out at every lesson to be the voice, face, and sole representative of the entirety of South African culture, then why is he trying to complicate things? Already, he is trying to destroy established facts about South Africa that we know to be true. Nelson Mandela ended Apartheid singlehandedly. Animals roam the streets. Crime is terrible everywhere. Worse than this, he now tells us that not all South Africans are the same. 11 official languages? Dozens of different ethnic groups with complex histories and roots stretching back thousands of years across the subcontinent, Africa and the world? What madness is this?

If he really is who he says he is, then I issue this challenge: give us these answers. Hopefully, he will hear this and deliver unto us the knowledge that is necessary for the continuation of our normal lives. He is here for the rest of the school year (he says their schools start in January, run from 7:45am until the late evening, have obligatory sports AND and are divided into separate boy/girl institutes with their own obligatory uniforms!!!). Perhaps, in time, he may deliver these answers. However, my fellow étudiants, I think he may just leave us with even more questions.

Questions like “do you want a cigarette?” when we’re outside the school gates.

*Muse and Abuse would like to thank resident translator Matthew de Klerk for garbling the ultimately superior and far more beautiful language of French and turning it into the ugly, ear-splitting drone of beastial English. Yeah. Thanks a lot.