Man in solidarity with French victims apologises for "selfish tweets, statuses"

Citing criticisms that he “doesn’t give a crap about anyone outside of Paris” following his obligatory “#PrayForParis” tweet and Facebook status yesterday, an area man has deeply apologised for his inconsiderate, selfish words of support and solidarity.

The man, 27-year-old accountant Jake Hendersen, approached the media this morning to confirm that he has since started a campaign to be more “equitable and considerate with his supportive tweets”.

“I’ve been reading some of the comments and criticisms of my messages on Facebook and twitter yesterday, and people are right,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about ‘being an ignorant fuck who conveniently doesn’t care about the senseless deaths of people until it’s white people dying’ or my being a ‘completely retarded insensitive Eurocentric moron’ – Obviously, I can’t care about senseless tragedies without displaying equal outrage for all death and tragedy everywhere else.”

"Without hundreds of clarifying tweets, my messages of solidarity and love are totally meaningless and myopic.”

The initial message, which read simply “my heart is with all of France #PrayForFrance”, attracted the ire of thousands of online commenters.

“Jake is an idiot,” said one person who appeared able to communicate only in all-caps. “My hashtag is #FuckFrance because of its heritage of evil and colonialism. Obviously the deaths of innocent people – people who could have been my sister or brother or mother or girlfriend – mean total jack shit to me. Why should I care about them or their grieving families when their government is so evil and twisted, even if those who died might not have voted for the majority political party, or even if they were, say, absolutely opposed to France’s involvement in international warfare or were outspokenly critical of their governments’ hurtful diplomacy with certain nations? Nah, fuck ‘em.”

In light of the controversy, Hendersen has promised to post an exhaustive and comprehensive collection of messages of support and solidarity with every country, city and nation in the world.

“It’ll take a bit of time to Photoshop my Facebook profile photo to have all the flags of the world, and to compose and post the hundreds of thousands of tweets and facebook statuses, but I think it’s totally necessary,” he said. “After all, how can anyone know that awful tragedies like these sadden me and that I care about the lives of those affected by terrorism, murder and war without having the relevant social media posts to prove it?”

It’s an issue not without difficulty.

“Oh, I’ve had some troubles,” he explained. “For example how can I rank all these atrocities and a bombings and killings? Should I listen to my detractors, and consider them all equally bad, even if this opens me up to attacks from the anti-#AllLivesMatter crowd?”

“And if all lives matter and I should care about all deaths equally, then must I make an ISIS flag Facebook profile picture mourning their deaths at the hands of a brutal, war-hungry coalition of Western nations? I’m still mulling these little quandaries over.”

Sources close to Hendersen now say that he is well on the way to proving to his some-600 Facebook friends and thousands of strangers on Twitter that he is against all tragedy.

“Given the sheer number cities, villages, hamlets and small townships in the world, he’ll probably have to post another 250 000 or more tweets to properly show he's in solidarity with all people who are suffering any kind of tragedy or horror,” said an unnamed friend. “But at least he’s halfway through posting the 196 individual transparent-flag-Facebook-profile pictures that show he cares about their struggles, so it’s a great start.”

Just some of the 196 transparent-flag-Profile-pics
that prove Jake really does care about people
dying in other countries.

And with the controversy boiling over, online commenters say it may be time for another support movement to start.

“Jake is being attacked, just as hundreds of #PrayForParis supporters are,” said one commenter. “We need to stand with these people in their time of need – which is why I propose we all Tweet messages of solidarity to those standing in solidarity with the French. #PrayForPeopleWhoPrayForParis.”

Want to know more about this developing story? Well, just log onto Facebook.com and see literally any of your friends’ goddamn statuses and comments.

“Why is the teaching assistant white?” and other burning questions

A guest post by Emilia d’Orvey, final-year Collège student*

My dear 3^ième Class of the three Collèges Lycée Générals in Toulouse who have been caught up in this confusing furore, I think it’s about time we addressed the elephant in the room. Well, it’s not an elephant, but he probably rides one to school, so I think the comparison is warranted.

Ever since last week, I think we can all agree that our normal English classes have been utterly upset by the arrival of a confounding guest. A guest who just goes against all expectations. A guest who may or may not be a fraud.

”If he comes from Africa, then why is he white?”

We all have these questions, don’t we? I mean, come on. If he really is from South Africa, then why is he white? Only black people come from Africa, that much is certain. And yes, he may explain to us (in painfully slow and patronising English, often accentuating his accent – I mean, isn’t it really racist to talk to second-language speakers reeeeaaaalllllyyy ssssllloooowwwllyy?) using endless statistics that there *are* white people in South Africa, over 6 million of them, but I think we all know that statistics are a lie. In fact, 75.3245% of statistics are made up on the spot to make your hashed argument seem believable or well-informed.

The assistant. Who is he? Why is he white?
We need answers.

There are other burning questions, too. Meaningful questions that just need to be answered. Does he speak French? I mean, really? Can he say some words in French? And why does he come here? How tall is he? Is he married? Does he have children? Is he really 23 years old? What kinds of animals are there in Souws’Africa? Does he like football? Does he like France? Has he ever touched Nelson Mandela? Until we get these answers, none of us will rest easy.

And if he is supposed to be a Cultural Artifact to be wheeled out at every lesson to be the voice, face, and sole representative of the entirety of South African culture, then why is he trying to complicate things? Already, he is trying to destroy established facts about South Africa that we know to be true. Nelson Mandela ended Apartheid singlehandedly. Animals roam the streets. Crime is terrible everywhere. Worse than this, he now tells us that not all South Africans are the same. 11 official languages? Dozens of different ethnic groups with complex histories and roots stretching back thousands of years across the subcontinent, Africa and the world? What madness is this?

If he really is who he says he is, then I issue this challenge: give us these answers. Hopefully, he will hear this and deliver unto us the knowledge that is necessary for the continuation of our normal lives. He is here for the rest of the school year (he says their schools start in January, run from 7:45am until the late evening, have obligatory sports AND and are divided into separate boy/girl institutes with their own obligatory uniforms!!!). Perhaps, in time, he may deliver these answers. However, my fellow étudiants, I think he may just leave us with even more questions.

Questions like “do you want a cigarette?” when we’re outside the school gates.

*Muse and Abuse would like to thank resident translator Matthew de Klerk for garbling the ultimately superior and far more beautiful language of French and turning it into the ugly, ear-splitting drone of beastial English. Yeah. Thanks a lot.